And then there's days like this...

I absolutely hate cravings, though I've joked before, I crave worse than a pregnant lady. We have an ice team 'shop' in the student lounge at work. It's a huge diet distraction.

Not All Goals Are Created Equal

Weigh in was this morning, and I'll be honest, I'm a little surprised, mostly as a Cake Batter Flurry was involved, but I am down 2.6 lbs from last week! I am so excited! So far that's roughly 74 lbs lost total, but I'm not done yet. My first goal I ever set in this journey was to hit the 100 lb mark, but it was a TALL order. I thought that'd be reaching the impossible, but I'm closer than I'd ever imagined.

I've always been a believer in setting goals. If you hit it, celebrate! It's an achievement, and you did something you should be proud of! If you don't meet a goal, find out why, what didn't work, and how you can learn from it. Regardless of how big or how small, possible or impossible, set one! Goals don't always have to be big. I NEVER, EVER thought I would hit the 50 lb mark, let alone be possibly hitting the 100 lb mark.

I started small. My first goal ever set was 5%. To lose 5% of my starting body weight, which equaled about 12.5 lbs. From there, it was 10%, or 25 lbs. At 25, I was feeling better, could move more. Hell, I could bend over and tie my shoe without too much trouble! (I cried i was so happy. Seriously.)

Imagine carrying 2 ten pound bags of potatoes, plus 1 five pound bag around the grocery store. How long could you take it before putting them down? Now imagine that 25 being attached to your body. For me, losing 3 sacks of potatoes was huge!

Once the first 25 was off, I focused mainly on 5-10 pound increments, not the oh-my-gosh-I-have-100-pounds-to-lose thought. I'm the person who gets lost (or more appropriately freaked out) over big pictures. First week of each new semester in college, I would lose it over seeing 5 class syllabi and what I'd have to do in 16 weeks. I had a few coming to Jesus moments each first week. Once I settled in and took it one day at a time, I was good. Same with my weight loss journey. I still get caught up in the thought that I'll never hit the 100 lb mark, but I've come this far. Besides, it's for life, not a quick fix!

This journey hasn't been easy, and no, I haven't dropped the weight as fast as I had hoped, but the bumps in the road have helped me grow as person. In looking at the big picture, I've still lost 75 lbs, that being plenty more than my initial goal.

To say I've met my goal would be an understatement. I've met them, but as my goals are met, achieved, and celebrated, more are set. I want to keep going.

Again, this is NOT a quick fix, this is for life. My life, and my will to live a little longer than 75 lbs ago.

As Promised...

I went shopping! Ok, so that's not really a big deal because I didn't come home with anything, but I ALWAYS fear the dressing room no matter how much I've lost. It always seems I tend to try clothes on when I feel the fattest, or else the dressing room mirror makes me fatter magically!

As I said, I didn't bring home these two dresses as the last time I wore a skirt or dress was my wedding day almost 3 years ago. I'm more of a hockey tee, jeans, and flip flops kind of girl. I'm just not comfortable in them without a good pair of Spanx. That's the main reason I don't wear them more often, but I'll get there one day! :)

So without further adieu...

Dressing Thinner

I went to get my haircut a few nights ago, and through my total weight loss journey (and gains), my hairdresser has witnessed everything. The good, the bad, and the horribly ugly of it all.

I’ll give you a little background to the relationship. Where I’m from is a small, rural, Indiana town surrounded by a sea of corn. Population 1,000 on a good day. (I promise there is more than corn in Indiana. Local tourism joke.) Anywho, I go back home to get my haircut, as I just don’t trust many others with my hair. (I also sneak in a visit with my Mom, too!) Farmland is only about a half an hour drive away from where I live, so I usually just tend to make appointments, and after, visit my mom.

I’m a home-natured kind of girl. I used to have a dream of being a teacher. As soon as I could get out of college, I wanted to move to downtown Nashville, Tennessee, live in an apartment right next to the river, and teach in an intercity school. Not Farmland, Indiana, to say the least. Looking back, I don’t think it would have worked for long, as I get homesick rather easily. Even now I find myself longing to get back to Farmland, just to walk around the neighborhood where I grew up, or downtown to the general store for nickel candy, and I only live across the county! Anyway, where I grew up, everybody knows everybody. It can be a double edged sword at times, but I wouldn’t want anything less.

I’ve known Judy, my hairdresser for a long time. I went to my Senior Prom with her son, as well as my twin brother and I graduating with him. She’s seen my brother’s family grow from the very beginning, and to this day, my nephew only trusts Judy to cut his hair. (Sound familiar?) She did both my sister-in-law’s hair and mine for our wedding days. In typical beauty shop fashion, she knows what goes on in our lives. I tend to spill more than I should, but that’s beside the point.

She has seen my complete transformation through my weight loss journey. Again, as I said in the beginning, I went from my high school weight, to my “love chub,” to my shrinking frame, all in about 9 years. Yeah, I was happy when I was bigger, until life smacked me in the face with realization of being morbidly obese. (Side note: that phrase still rattles me every time I hear it.)

I guess this brings me to my point. During my hair cut, Judy and I were talking about fashion, the comfortable and uncomfortable, and the troubles we had finding things we liked that fit AND flatter us. I mentioned during the conversation, I always wanted to be that professional office worker in the latest blouse, pencil skirt, belt, heels, dressed stylishly professional. I love the pencil skirt look, but being the motorsports-obsessed hockey fan tomboy, the last time I wore a dress, much less a skirt, was my wedding day almost three years ago! I have a super-cute skirt I purchased a while back, but haven’t been able to bring myself to put it on as I’m more of a t-shirt and baggy pants kind of girl. It also doesn’t help that due to my weight loss, I have the “pouch,” or “apron” as some call it. I absolutely despise it, and I know it’s going to be the LAST thing that comes off! (Of course, right?) It prevents me from looking good in a pencil skirt, and also prevents me from tucking my shirt in when I probably should for a more professional look. Judy’s reply, after discussing our “pouches?” “You need to stop dressing 70 pounds heavier! Go shopping for goodness sake! You can look stylish, still be comfortable, and dress for your new size.”

Now, let me say that, no, I am no longer wearing my size 19 work pants with a belt, hoping that I can pull it off with a shirt that covers the waistline, while I don’t show God and everybody my underoos. I’m now in a 14, with no belt holding my britches up. (Ask some of my former coworkers. It was almost at the point of intervention because I didn’t want to buy new pants.)

So this brings me to a newer, more personal goal: I want to dress “70 pounds lighter.” I want to be that girl that everyone in the office looks to for style advice or the latest fashion (within reason, of course). I may be a tomboy, but I do still like to be girly (sometimes). Afterall, I can only make my hockey tee look business casual for so long and get away with it!

(At some point, due to confidence and self-esteem, I MAY try to gather some courage to post pictures of the new looks. No promises.)

The Mini

My mom thinks I’m half nuts. (That’s debatable, but we won’t go there…)

The Mini, as it’s known to us locals (hehe), is a half marathon/enormous event that takes place in downtown Indy each year. It draws thousands upon thousands to run it or walk it. The route takes you from downtown Indianapolis, out to Indianapolis Motor Speedway, around the track, and back, while taking in several of the best sites the city has to offer.

The Mini has been something that has always been on my bucket list. I think it’s the coolest thing since sliced bread, as being an avid race fan and Hoosier, it’s seen as something that kicks off the best month in all of Indiana (and maybe the world, in my opinion), May.

I’ve always wanted to run the Mini, but never been in any shape to. I’m not saying I’ll run it, as I’m just not a runner, but the call was put out on Facebook by a friend of mine, another avid female motorsports fan, that she wanted someone to do it with her. She has walked it before, with no preparation and quite a bit of soreness, but wants to do it again with training. We’ve both agreed to walk it next May (2013), as it’s my first time. I’ll be honest, I’m scared as hell.

I’ve never prepared for something like this. I know it’s just walking, but its 13.1 miles worth of it! I have walked 5k’s before, and can walk 2 miles at least a night without fatigue. I have a long ways to go, but I think it's the closest shape I've been in for something like this. (That's not saying much, though.)

It’s a goal I have my eyes on. I just pray this doesn’t turn out like my New Year’s resolution, as I’m still 2-3 sizes away from single digit pants with 7 months to go. It’s something I have to put my mind to, but as my mother always reminds me, if I get an idea in my head I can do something, I won’t stop until it’s done.

“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination, and hard work.” – Colin Powell

Emotionally Trainwrecked

Ah, emotions. As humans, they drive us. With me this is no different, especially when it comes to eating.

According to the Mayo Clinic: “Emotional eating is eating as a way to suppress or soothe negative emotions, such as stress, anger, fear, boredom, sadness and loneliness. Both major life events and the hassles of daily life can trigger negative emotions that lead to emotional eating and disrupt your weight-loss efforts.”

Yep, that sounds about right.

My mother always tells me without fail, how much I wear my heart on my sleeve, whether I think I’m hiding my emotions or not. If I’m having a bad day, she can tell. It’s supposedly written all over my face. I might as well wear it on my plate too.

I’ve always been one to take out my emotions with food. It’s the only way I know/knew how to cope. Emotional eating, and bored eating too, is something that helped catapult me to 250 lbs in no time flat. When I’m overwhelmed or stressed, I get into that “I don’t care” mood. I’m like a train that’s jumped the track heading for a platform full of people.

That brings me to yesterday. After a few weeks of no pop, I caved. Twice. With Nutter Butters attached.

I tried to “stop the bleeding” as a friend put it, but I didn’t care. Two nights ago I came home in a foul mood from work. Again, I didn’t care. Went to grab Mexican food that night with my husband and completely jeopardized a whole week of hard work and almost 3 lbs. of weight loss. I came up short and only lost a pound and half. I knew, and I told myself before we left, don’t do it. Don’t go, just eat at home; it would have been cheaper anyway. I knew it was going to be bad. But in my stubborn, half-minded haze, I asked, “who cares?”

So this brings me to some tips. This is probably more for me than it is to you, the reader, but emotional eating is something I desperately need help on, and want to be able to curb the crash during those, “I don’t care” moments.

Below are some helpful tips included in the article, “Emotional Eating: Feeding Your Feelings,” by Heather Hatfield, posted on WebMD.com:

· Recognize emotional eating and learn what triggers this behavior in you.
· Make a list of things to do when you get the urge to eat and you're not hungry, and carry it with you, according to the Tufts Nutrition web site. When you feel overwhelmed, you can put off that desire by doing another enjoyable activity.
· Try taking a walk, calling a friend, playing cards, cleaning your room, doing laundry, or something productive to take your mind off the craving -- even taking a nap, according to the Tufts Nutrition web site.
· When you do get the urge to eat when you're not hungry, find a comfort food that's healthy instead of junk food. "Comfort foods don't need to be unhealthy," says Wansink.
· For some, leaving comfort foods behind when they're dieting can be emotionally difficult. Wansink tells WebMD, "The key is moderation, not elimination." He suggests dividing comfort foods into smaller portions. For instance, if you have a large bag of chips, divide it into smaller containers or baggies and the temptation to eat more than one serving can be avoided.
· When it comes to comfort foods that aren't always healthy, like fattening desserts, Wansink also offers this piece of information: "Your memory of a food peaks after about four bites, so if you only have those bites, a week later you'll recall it as just a good experience than if you polished off the whole thing." So have a few bites of cheesecake, then call it quits, and you'll get equal the pleasure with lower cost.
· Lastly, remember that emotional eating is something that most people do when they're bored, happy, or sad. It might be a bag of chips or a steak, but whatever the food choice, learning how to control it and using moderation are key.

In the same article, Jane Jakubczak a Registered Dietician at the University of Maryland, is quoted stating that “75% of overeating is caused by emotions, so dealing with emotions appropriately is important.” Obviously my emotional eating is a work in progress. A major work in progress. I never really understood the point of tracking your hunger during the day, along with the food you eat, but it makes sense. Hopefully these tips can assist you as much as I hope. We aren’t perfect, and I certainly know this is one area I want to focus on.

“Concentrate all of your thoughts upon the work at hand. The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus.” –Alexander Graham Bell

The Shrinking Woman

When I started in April of 2010, I would have never of dreamed I would get this far, not by a long shot. My first goal was to just get 50 lbs off of me, to get back to 200. It seemed so daunting. I’d been there, never thought I’d get over it, but wanted to get back to it. It’s the weight I held when I met my now-husband.

But I can proudly say, I’ve blown past 50! I’m up to 70 now, with 30 to go. I want to hit that 100 lb mark so bad, but have lost my way in some aspects, and am running after the wagon. (See previous posts.) I do have to admit though; I’ve been cracking down, disciplining myself. I’ve started to move more, like I used to, and that seems to help. Official weigh in is on Wednesday mornings, but I like what I’ve seen both yesterday and this morning from this past week’s achievements.

But this post isn’t about the numbers, it’s about inches, and then some. A family member/personal fitness guru/Zumba Queen (I still miss your classes, Lisa!), once told me, “Even if the numbers aren’t there, check your inches. You may not lose numbers that week, but you will see inches come off.” Boy is that true!

I know that with weight loss, you shrink. Duh! But where you lose inches can be some of the weirdest places, and I’m seriously not kidding. For instance, I’ve always had fat fingers. I think my class ring from senior year is a 9 1/2. When I got married, my ring was sized at 9 3/4. Recently, I had to get my ring re-sized to an 8. AN 8!!! (Never in my right mind did I think my fingers would ever be an 8!) And I will be honest; I think I’m going to have to get it re-sized again, soon. I didn’t want to get it resized half way through, to wait until I’ve shed what I wanted to, but I couldn’t take it any longer.

I’ve also found my ankles and wrists have shrunk. I used to not be able to wear ankle bracelets, or had to make sure to find the type that had extenders attached. I ended up donating a pair of cowboy boots I could perhaps wear now, as they wouldn’t zip up around my ankles of calves. (I’m regretting that decision, as I loved those boots and never in my life thought I’d be back to the point I could wear them again. Hindsight is always 20/20.)

This brings me to the too-much-information portion of this post. Just a little warning, as I’m not sure I can put this really any more delicately. When I say everything shrinks, EVERYTHING shrinks. I’m at the point I’m going to have to replace my skivvies… again, and I’m okay with it! (My drawers are saggin’ and I’m always up for shopping!) ;)

Regardless of whether it’s TMI (Too Much Information) or not, it’s an amazing feeling to find clothes that fit again. If you recall my very first blog post, part of my turning point was not able to find anything cute to wear to work, and it really ate away at my confidence and self-esteem. I left in tears that night, and it was time I did something.

I’m nowhere near where I want to maintain, but at this point, I can’t complain. I’m healthier than I have been in at least 6 years (and even at a lighter weight before, my diet was downright awful). It’s been a huge life change that I’m sure I haven’t realized the full impact of just yet.

This whole journey has opened up so many figurative doors (and windows to climb out of, if needed); it’s building my self-esteem and confidence back up from a somewhat depleted state, it’s helped me run and play with my niece and nephew with no problems of keeping up, but most importantly, it’s helping me find me. In all of the gains, the slip ups, the “feedback,” there are also losses, non-scale victories, and triumph. It’s a really rewarding experience. I just have to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize.