Confessing

I haven’t worked out in almost six weeks. Six freaking weeks…and I can’t stand it any longer.

Just remember, when I say no workout, I mean NOTHING. Not a thing. Hardly any activity and it’s really started to wear on me. This knee thing is a total buzzkill. And I’m a stressy-edgy-mentally-defeated mess; I won’t lie.

I’ve also lost all motivation. I’ve told myself I can’t do this anymore the past few weeks, but with school and other things going on, it’s been hard, and I still haven’t done anything.

Rewind to this weekend: cookies were in house. Cookies in my house are a bad, bad, bad thing. I’m kind of the person with my diet that if it’s out of sight, out of mind, I won’t eat it. I still struggle daily, but I’ve found meal pre-planning is one of the best things I’ve done, and learned how to better myself with during my weight loss journey. What’s even better? After two weeks, it became habit. When I’m tracking breakfast and packing my lunch to this day, dinner is entered ahead of time, (portions and all) and I stick to it. But with cookies in the house and me finding myself in holiday baking-marathon-stupors, crap is in my house. Sweets are in my house. And it’s not looking good.

Bottom line from this weekend? I gained three pounds.

I’m sure you’re asking, “Ash, you’ve lost 110. What the hell does three pounds matter?”

Well, the three pounds don’t. (Ok, who am I kidding? Yes, they do, and it pisses me off seeing the inflated number on the scale.) But I’m sure there is a bit of water weight included in those three pounds. I didn’t eat that many calories over my daily limit. It’s the non-activity.

I’m losing definition in my legs I saw with running consistently, my cardio for going up stairs sucks, and I just feel HUGE. Like, planet Earth, huge. 

Even after 110 pounds lost, I still have those days, but lately they’ve become all-to-frequent. I can’t escape them, but I can do something about them.

Since I am facing surgery, it’d probably be wise to start working out again, getting into the groove so that when I can move and can run again, that motivation is there, and it will be easy. At least I hope. (Duh, Ash. You should’ve thought about that weeks ago.) I’ve got less than three weeks until, and I’m losing ground each day I’m not doing something. I need to keep my leg muscles built to aid in rehab and therapy, which will also help me bounce back MUCH quicker. At least that’s the goal.

Since I haven’t done much, building the motivation and getting into the habit of working out regularly again will take a bit of grit, but I do have a plan! I’m not going to sit here and wallow in my misery while staring at fit people and plans on Pinterest when I could be up doing something. If I want to make a change for the better, I am the only one that can do that.

I’ve created a two-week on-paper journal of each day’s workout to pre-plan with. If it’s out there and already planned for, I tend to stick to it better, much like meal planning. I’ve got a few things I can do that are low impact and won’t affect my knee negatively pre-surgery. I can walk on the treadmill most days without pain, I just can’t run with impact. Also, yoga. I’ve wanted to stretch and become stronger, and Yoga is wonderful and virtually no impact. I’ve also looked into kettlebell or some weight training to tone, which I’ve wanted to do for a while anyway, but whatever I do, it’s got to be better than nothing. Nothing right now sucks!

So, starting Friday or Saturday, I will work to see what I can do to implement low-impact something into my regimen. It’s going to take work, but after two weeks, a new habit will form!

...and the verdict is?

Surgery. December 6. …and that’s okay! I’m actually a little more comfortable with the idea of surgery on my knee that at first thought, which surprises me. I actually think my husband is more concerned about it than I am. ;)

The doctor did a fabulous job explaining all that is to be done, why it’s going to be done, and what he will check for. (More on that later.) The doctor I’m seeing comes highly recommended not only by my chiropractor/referring doc, but family members who have also had surgery performed by him, which has helped with my comfort level. Everyone has said, “Oh, he’s great! You’ll like him!” And so far, I do. 

Going in to the appointment, I was certainly nervous as I really didn’t know what to expect. (I was also a little more than irritated as I didn’t see the doc for two hours, but he made up for it.)

I don’t want my running days to be over faster than they had started, but in order to run again pain-free without causing additional damage, I don’t have a choice. Surgery is the only answer since I’ve torn my Meniscus (cartilage), and cartilage doesn’t heal. It never will.

Seeing everyone else run, enjoying the cooler temperatures, and missing out on 5k’s I had previously planned for, it’s played with my mind. I’ll be honest; the past five weeks have been really difficult (i.e. hell) for me ever since I injured myself. I see where athletes say that sitting on the sidelines is one of the hardest things to do when they’re injured or recovering. It sucks. I’ve been grumpier and edgier than I have been than while I’ve ran, and I haven’t been able to do much of anything. Stairs hurt, walking excessively hurts, twisting/dancing/pivoting hurts. But some days are better than others. Yeah, I know, I can take pain meds, I get that. I guess you could say I’m being a bit of a martyr however I’m the type to just, “suck it up” when it’s really not that bad. This pain is only dull, but not something I couldn’t deal with.

 

(My knees via X-Ray. The doctor is pretty happy with the way they look. I imagined at that moment, "Hey, nice knees!" Worst...pickup line...ever. Gentlemen, don't use it. ...random, I know.)

During the appointment, I had X-rays completed to check the structures of my knees to make sure everything looks in place, in addition to the previous MRI, and that there weren’t any possible fractures or issues. (Yes, those are my knees. My torn cartilage is in the outside left knee, or right on the above picture, that’s affected.)

The doctor said, ‘everything will be super easy and I expect you running again in 4-6 weeks after the surgery since you’re in shape.”

“…you’re in shape.” That’s the first thing I heard. And internally, I laughed. Like full-on rolling-on-the-floor-dying laugh.

“HUH?! What?! Noooooooo….. Hahahaha! Pshhh, I’m not in shape. What are you talking about?”

Remember that blog post I made about changing my thinking? How I have to adjust to not thinking “75 lbs heavier?” (…now 110+, but who’s counting?)  You can read about that here. It’s the same with how I’m in shape now.

Wow… I’m in shape? I certainly don’t feel like it.

He mentioned with how built my leg muscles are still (he can see that in the MRI), as well as my age and the overall health that I am in, recovery will be a breeze. He even wants me off of crutches the next day. Oof.

Anyway, the second thing I heard in that statement, (after I had to catch my breath from internally laughing so hard) FOUR TO SIX WEEKS and I’ll be running again! My first thought was, “Oh, thank God for my husband,” and then it was, “Oh, thank God!” (And I’m really thanking Him at this point, because going into this all and not knowing what was happening, that I was just having pain, I didn’t know if I would run again. Silly Ashley, it can be fixed!)

What happens (or at least in my case) with torn cartilage - there is literally a tear. What is torn is rolling up, causing pain in my knee due to it catching underneath. It’s not laying in place as it should be. It sounds a lot worse than it really is, but I’ve been limping some on bad days. The good news? The surgery is only a 20 minute procedure. The doctor will go in and shave off/remove what’s torn while scoping my knee to check to make sure everything else is intact and okay.  

(Artist's still out on the rendering, but at least the doctor explains it in terms, or pictures, I can understand. That's supposed to be the cartilage in my knee.)

The dark spot above is kind of what’s torn and will be removed in my knee. After all is said and done, I’ll still have cartilage to pad the knee of impact, and once the soreness wears off and starts to heal, back to running. (A-freaking-men.)

The doctor is somewhat concerned, however, with wear and tear on my knees, mostly due to years of being heavier, not impact from running. The scope is there to check to make sure that wear on the actual bone is still okay. He seems to think at most my knees may be that of a 40-year-old’s more so than late-20’s due to the pressure I was placing on my knees from the extra weight I was carrying around. 

(Humorous side note: The doctor was trying to beat around the bush about me “being heavier,” and was being sensitive towards “those days,” and it made me chuckle. I know some folks are a little more sensitive about “heavier days,” but I’m not. I just basically said, “Yes, I was heavier. But I chose to lead a new lifestyle, one that through this change, I can be healthy and hopefully live for more years to come. It happened, but it’s time to move on!” You can read about why I came to the decision here in my very first blog post.)

As I said previously, recovery is four to six weeks, and I’ll be running again once he clears me, WHICH IS AWESOME. What’s even more awesome? I’ll pretty much be walking (somewhat pain free) the day after surgery. There may be some soreness and swelling for up to six weeks after, but he fully expects me to be off of crutches within that first day after, and back to work on Monday. How cool is that?! (Of course, that’s if everything goes according to plan. …and that’s what I’m praying for.)

The doctor made mentioned he performed the same surgery on one of his colleagues in the office, and ultimately, he ran a half-marathon three weeks later. (Disclaimer: I WILL NOT RUN A HALF THREE WEEKS LATER.) I will not even run outside, much less resume the amount of mileage I was normally running each week three weeks later. My plan is to basically start from the beginning of Couch to 5k via treadmill to gauge where I am at physically post-surgery. I know I have lost some fitness in the previous weeks of inactivity, so I will have to build that back up with time. And I will also track the 10% rule. (I learned my lesson folks.)

But not all is lost… 

I’ve decided once everything is back to normal, and I resume running again, that I will shoot to complete the Indianapolis Mini Marathon in May, one item that still remains on my bucket list. I didn’t say I will run the entire 13ish miles, more like run/walk, but the ultimate goal is to complete the half.

I want to. For me. To show myself I can do something I set my mind to, even with stumbling blocks amongst the path, it can be done if I put my mind to it.

It will happen. It may not happen at the pace or activity level my competitive spirit wants it to be, but I will complete it.

So that’s my goal. Now to just get through surgery...

Waiting Game

Ever just have that Jeopardy theme pop into your head when you’re awaiting something? No? Just me? Gotcha.

Anywho; I received a phone call for a referral. I’m getting an MRI on my knee tomorrow, and I couldn’t be more nervous. 

I’m pretty sure it’s an open-sided one, as I’m not the greatest with tight spaces. (Luckily, it’s only my knee, and I’m praying that they just put me in up to my waist. Nothing more. I can’t do the whole arms-glued-to-my-side thing. 

The MRI is hoping to show whether or not I tore cartilage, though judging by my limp down stairs last night and the pain I have today (after thinking, “I got this,”), how bad the said tear could be, or if it’s something entirely different. I’m hoping it’s nothing too major, as I really don’t want to have surgery, but at this point, something needs to be done, even if it’s the MRI to make sure what’s what is what’s what.

UGH.

I’m honestly ready for this to just be over, even if the journey to recovery is just beginning. 

I honestly hate not being able to run. After attempting it the other night and having almost instant pain after taking off, I’ve been a ball of nerves, and quite frankly, just plain pissed off. I’m competitive by nature, and I was just starting to catch my stride, but I pushed myself too far, something I tend to do often thinking I’m Superwoman. I didn’t follow the 10% rule, but I know now, that hopefully when this is over, I know better for next time, if I get that chance.

I haven’t had much activity, if any, over the past four weeks. I haven’t really checked out any low-impact options. I’m hoping to check out kettlebells this weekend as a toning opportunity, a result from a family member who’s mentioned she loves using them recently. I’ve also thought about getting back into yoga, something to help stretch and strengthen with as well as distress doing.

I’ve got to do something because being stationary is driving me mad. I’m just afraid I will aggravate my knee even more, especially after limping around most of the day today.

Tomorrow’s test will tell, though I won’t know anything for maybe another week or so. I’m just hoping this doesn’t sideline me too long, though I consider myself a runner listed on IR.

Runner. Yeah, I am injured and currently not “running,” but I kind of like the sound of it! That wouldn’t have happened over a year ago :)

Until then, I’ll push on. My goal for this next week is to feel out something new or something that I haven’t done in a while. I also want to check out the gym at my college, as they have a stationary bike, rowing machine, and elliptical available, that I can easily walk to after work each night. All are low impact alternatives, something that I need to build up cardio again.

My fingers are crossed that this doesn’t derail my plans for the Mini next year, as that’s my biggest fear, but I’m trying to look at it glass half-full: Not derail, but delay. Just a minor speed bump in the grand scheme of things.

Until then… Push on. :)

Disappointment

Well, I tried.

(I'm about to get brutally honest. You've been warned.)

I'm still in somewhat of an "emotional" state because I'm so ticked off. Running happened, for only 1/10 of a mile. What. A. Joke.

I started with a 5 minute warm up walk as planned, with no pain to speak of, while wearing a knee brace. I felt absolutely fine walking, and it actually felt great...until I took off to run...

I felt fine, for about the first :30. After that, I started to get that familiar pain again in the outside region of my left knee. I did what I was told, to stop the moment I started to feel any pain or discomfort. I am fine now, as I have no pain just sitting here, however I'm so ticked off and so upset that I don't even feel it was worth the effort.

I go back Wednesday for a follow up and I'll talk options with my doctor. I'm sure it'll be suggested that since I still have pain four weeks later (of normal rest), that I buck up for a MRI to see what's going on. X-Rays won't show torn cartilage, only bone, therefor an MRI is needed, and will probably be ordered regardless if referred to a specialist.

Of course that also scares me. Scares me of the possibilities of what's to come; what that test will hold. I'm not sure if it means I HAVE TO HAVE surgery to repair the tear (if it's even a tear), as we won't know if it's minor or major, however I almost don't want to know the answer. I already can't run without pain, the fact that surgery may be looming over my ahead at still-in-my-20's isn't something I want to think about right now.

I'll be honest, I feel like a part of me has been taken away, and I never thought that'd be possible starting this journey. I never thought I'd grow to love running as much as I did, and it really hurts to have the preferred form of cardio taken away from me. Of course there are other options for cardio that I'm willing to explore, either biking, swimming, or something else, however I hate the fact I can't lace up my shoes and head outside when I'm having a bad day, or needing some simple stress relief and fresh air. This also puts plans on hold for the upcoming Turkey Chase 7k, Frostbite 5k, training for my first half, and of course my bucket-listed Indianapolis Mini Marathon.

All is on hold until I figure out what's going on.

I hate this. I feel like a total failure (even if this injury resulted from overuse and my own stupidity). I really, really, really hate this feeling of overall suckiness, (yes, I know that's not a word; I really don't care at this point) and that I can't set out to complete what I started.

I know this too shall pass, and I'm sure I'll find something to substitute with. I pray to every deity known to man I can tame this beast with just therapy and rest, and hope that I can eliminate surgery as the only option. We will see. Until then, I'll try to keep my diet as healthy and clean as possible, and try to find a lesser impact sub for what I can do for now.

It still doesn't take away that passion I had, however I have to cope as best as I can at this point.

I'll try to heed my own advice and stay positive, but for right now, it's not looking too glass-half-full.

Those Words I’ve Waited to Hear

“Well, we’ll give it a go! I’m clearing you for now, but for Monday. No activity over the weekend, but give it a shot Monday night; see how you feel”

 

I can’t begin to describe how sweet it was hearing those words. I almost wanted to cry. (And I’m not even kidding!)

 

WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO! I’M CLEARED TO RUN!

 

(Well, sort of.)

 

I didn’t have any pain all of last week in my knee, up until my physical therapy appointment on Friday. I did feel a little discomfort on Friday, however on a pain scale of 1-10, it was more of a 1. Nuisance. Pain in my tush, thorn in my side. It was just, “there.”

 

So, today’s Monday; the real test, if you will. I was sternly told only to run a mile and a half, based upon my previous mileage before I had knee issues. I’m allowed to walk warming up, run a mile and a half, and walk to cool down, stretching REALLY, REALLY GOOD afterwards.  (I do tend to be a bit stubborn; I pushed myself too far, and to be honest it’s probably why I ended up with an injury.)

 

We aren’t really sure what is wrong at this point, (or what was wrong, I hope) as an MRI is SUPER expensive with the medical insurance I have and to get a better look at my knee, we won’t know for sure without it. The doctor seemed to think in the beginning it was tendonitis, however with some trouble last week and continued pain I had at that point, he thought it could be torn cartilage on the outside. I cried after asking stupidly if it would heal. It’s cartilage; it won’t heal, Ash. Depending upon the tear, I could function normally, with potential pain depending upon the activity. It could hinder future running, but if I take it easy, and follow the 10% rule (I didn’t before), I should be ok. Depending upon the tear, of course. If it’s more of a major tear, and I might be able to tell a little better during tonight’s run, I may need surgery (in the extreme case).

 

So we’ll see. Tonight’s plan is the treadmill: 5 minute walking warm up, mile and a half run, and 5 minute cool down, followed by some stretching. I may also add in some resistance band work, but if I’m falling of the treadmill, that probably won’t happen.

 

I am keeping my fingers crossed though, and staying positive. Of course I can't run right out of the gate at a 10:30 pace like I used to, so tonight, it’s all about taking it easy. I do have a follow up doc appointment Wednesday night, so from there, if all goes well, I can start running regularly again.

 

There are a few upcoming 5k’s I will miss unfortunately, however the goal is to be back up and running (get it?) by December 5. That’s the Frostbite 5k here locally, and I’d love to run it.

 

(Stay positive, Ash.)

Say a prayer, folks!