Being Candid

Recently I was asked to do a newer/updated side-by-side picture of my weight loss progress by a friend. I've reached the point of 105 pounds+ lost, and it actually has been a while since I've done a picture comparison, so what the heck, right? I try to hang on to the most recent update, just for those days where I'm just not feeling the most positive; something I can look at to see where I've come from in the past 3-ish years and hopefully lift me up.

(I'll be honest, I'm really not a fan of "selfies," those pictures you take of yourself in the mirror with your iPhone. But that's all I had of my most recent progress, a selfie from before a friend's wedding. Said picture below...)

But in searching for an "old" picture and the uploading it to Twitter for friends to see, I felt a little uneasy and actually quite sad. I can't really explain what feelings I felt while staring at the "bigger" me on the left side. I actually wanted to breakdown and cry. (I'm tearing up writing this. Why? I really am not sure.)

I have so many emotions going through me while looking at the picture.

Some of it is happiness. Yes, I'm very happy that I'm finally "healthy," as I know I wasn't then. Hindsight really is 20/20. It's also that feeling of accomplishment, that I really took on Goliath and won (and no, there is NOT a pun hidden in that), but that's something I usually don't focus too much on. It's mostly that I actually am truly healthy. And happier now, too.

But what I felt seemed to be overwhelming grief. More of, "how did I really let myself go that much." "I really can't believe I actually left the house looking like that." "Did I really look like that, and what did people think? What did people say about me?" "Why didn't anyone say anything?"

It absolutely frustrates me that I even still have these feelings, as I know good and well I'm just dwelling on the past. It's time to move on, really. My husband ALWAYS told me that no matter what size I was or what size I become, he will always still love me. For that, I am truly grateful, and for his unwavering support as well.

Recently, my mom admitted she truly was concerned for my health back then. She never did push the issue as some had in my life. She never even said a word to me about size or food. She was definitely there to listen though, as I cried on her shoulder if I needed it. I am kind of glad that she didn't say anything, especially looking back, as I had my own internal demons and self esteem issues to battle before I ever could start.

(For those that do not know, my mom has always been one of my biggest supporters in everything I've done. Giving her the world would not be thanks enough. Truly.)

My mom always told me that when the time was right, when it was right for me, I could do it so long as I put my mind to it. This journey alone could never sustain itself based upon what others felt was right. Only I could have done it when I was motivated, but most importantly, when I was ready.

I do look back and feel that same overwhelming sadness I had right before I started my journey. The sadness of looking in the mirror and hating what I saw, going to the store and walking out empty handed, and the overwhelming feeling of just "sucking" at life all the time. It's the sadness that finally made me snap and make the decision to start. I hate that I still feel this way sometimes, that I won't ever be good enough even after dropping 105 pounds, but I can truly say that I'm better off than where I was 3 years ago. And do I feel better? Physically, yes. Mentally? Most days.

This journey has taught me so much more than just how to eat, stretch after a run, (or to not eat before a run to avoid having a "meltdown" in the middle of the road). It's taught me that I'm strong, that I am resilient, that I can be disciplined, (that I can avoid the temptation of birthday cake if I have to, that a slice of birthday cake "once in a while" will NOT kill me so long as I don't eat the whole cake), but most importantly (to me), that if I can set my mind to it, I can do anything I set out to achieve. I've found that no matter what you look like: big/small/short/tall, you are in control of your overall happiness. If you don't like something or if you are unhappy, you can change it! It may take time, but it truly is worth it. (Because life itself is just too short!)

So, yes, while I do still get those pesky negative thoughts about my body or the way I look and may not be comfortable, I try to focus on the positive. There's no sense in dwelling on it if it's just going to make you unhappy, right?

(P.S. Smile once in a while. You owe it to yourself!) :)

Updates :)

It's that time of year again when school takes over my life. No longer am I buried in fun-read books, blogs, and mindless reality TV shows, but required reading material presented by respective professors. UGH. School has kind of taken me away from blogging, so I apologize for a bit of a delay in updates of running and fun things.

Unfortunately, I made the super-tough decision of postponing 10k training. I'm really not happy about it, as I really started to make some progress, however the plan I followed was just not working out with my school schedule. The training plan I had been using required me to run/cross train 5 days a week, when I had only ran 3, which work perfect for the days I had class after work. The day I was up from 4:30am until 11:30pm absolutely killed me and killed my motivation for 10K training. I honestly cursed it all weekend when I couldn't "catch up" on sleep, and the last thing I want to do is get burnt out from training. I didn't want it to ruin my newly found love of running. So for now I'm postponing training, but I am in no way giving up running. I love it too much not to. (Again: 6 months ago, those words would have never been uttered out of my mouth. Crazy, I know.)

I signed up for the ISC Corporate Challenge (more info here) to run the 5k for my company. Reviewing the route this week has me absolutely giddy, as I was lucky enough to run this area of Indianapolis when I stayed overnight downtown for a concert a month or so ago. It's along the White River/Canal area of Indy as well as IUPUI, which has a beautiful campus. But, I'm quite nervous. As I signed up for the Challenge, I didn't exactly realize what type of event it was, as the event was only open to our Downtown/Indy campus locations previously; this year it was opened to all regions and employees throughout the state. Also, I didn't realize it was "competitive," meaning we gain points for how we finish. (I.E. Someone has to finish last, and it'll probably be me.)

Regardless of how I finish, I will updates on Twitter throughout the event (September 28), and you can follow along over on Twitter. I'm a shutterbug, so expect plenty of photos! You've been warned...

Overall, I'm really looking forward to it. It gives me a chance to see one of my friends who now works at another region, a friend who has really pushed me and cheered me on during my weight loss and running journeys. She is participating the 5k Walk, and I might join her as a cool down opportunity after running. We also plan to share lunch downtown, gelato after included, so I might need that extra 3 miles. ;)


While vising Toledo a few weeks back, I did decide to complete a 5k that was nearby. Through the power of Google, I found a 5k benefiting an organization that supports those with Developmental Disabilities in the Northern Ohio area. It was actually kind of neat signing up and putting my address on the event form, as it caught the eye of the volunteer registering me. She asked how I heard about the 5k, and all I could say was Google. Of course I didn't travel for the purpose of the 5k, as we were in the area for a close friend's wedding, but I figured, "Why the heck not?!" The registration fee went to a great cause, and the swag wasn't too bad either! I had a lot of fun running amongst strangers, and since it was so cool out first thing in the morning, I actually set a new pace record at under 11 minutes! For. All. 3. Miles.

That was definitely a neat accomplishment. I can easily say cooler weather definitely suits this runner. The only con to the event was that the road we ran on wasn't closed. We did deal with some traffic but not too much, and most drivers were respectable during the event. We actually ran near the Wabash Cannonball trail, unfortunately not on it though. Hopefully next time I find myself in Toledo, I will have the opportunity to run the trail, as it looked absolutely beautiful!

Overall, September has been a crazy-busy month, and now that I get to throw studying and projects with school in there, it's going to get much busier. I do still plan to run 3 times a week, and will hopefully have a race recap up in the near future for the ISC Corporate Challenge. I'm still sad about not being able to fit the 10k Training in at this time, but school won't last forever (even if it feels that way)! I still have my eyes on the prize for the Indianapolis Mini Marathon next May.

Wordless Wednesday: Run Or Dye Race Recap

Enjoy. I sure did! (But then again, I was in heaven at Indy Motor Speedway, anyway...)