Ready to Ring in 2014

Last year, to kick off 2013, I set a resolution of hitting my weight loss goal of 100 pounds, while entering my healthy weight range for the first time since who knows when. It certainly still doesn’t feel as if I’ve arrived at my “destination” of healthiness. Hell, I still feel I eat like garbage, or that I could be doing more than what I currently am regarding working out, cardio or strength training. But the only thing I can really think of is, “Wow. I finally stuck to a resolution. How ‘bout that?”

I’m honestly always at a loss for resolutions. I hate setting them. I never stick to them. (Except for last year’s, but who really does?) There’s always the, “I’m going to work out more. Go to the Gym. Eat better,” resolution, but I’m already living that as best I can. I could’ve gone with the, “I’ll go to more hockey games,” but my husband shot that down. I thought about being more “carefree” but who am I kidding? I wouldn’t be me without worry.

Mr. K and I were discussing what we thought our resolutions could be for 2014, just random conversation during the 45 minute drive home from Christmas celebrations with my family. After about five minutes of giggling, serious tones, and several, “Are you really going to stick with that?!,” I thought to myself, “I want to be happier with  myself.” So I ran it by him. He adamantly agreed.

I’ll be honest, even after losing 110 pounds, I haven’t been able to actually look at myself in the mirror and feel satisfied or happy with what I see. Mr. K hears it all the time, especially in the past few days after gluttonous feasts on Christmas goodies (and tooooooooooo many cookies to count). I haven’t felt exactly my best, and with surgery and not being able to run or really workout (my words, I could’ve worked out but I used it as an excuse), really put me down for the past few months. I try not to focus on the negative, but I still find it hard, especially on days I feel “fat.” (And lately, that’s been more than not.)

I don’t know where the negative thinking really comes from. Is it negative feelings caused by emotional scars from past experiences? Am I just not confident enough with who I am? (That’s improved drastically in my twenties, though. I used to NEVER go up and talk to anyone I didn’t know. Now? Hell, no problem! I’m one of the friendliest and approachable girls you’ll meet!) But I only ever want to feel good about myself, and if that means letting go of negative thoughts, the past, whatever, I’ll do it. In 2014.

So that’s my goal, my resolution. New year, new outlook.

Just as I was thinking and browsing Facebook on my lunch hour today, Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat., and also one of my favorite Twitter/Facebook/all around rock star friends, posted this bit from Mind, Body, Green, and I think really hammers home what I’m hoping to accomplish with my resolution for 2014. (You have impeccable timing, Dacia!) Here are a few highlights I personally want to improve upon most:

ü  2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

ü  3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

Anyone that knows me, knows this may be the hardest. Thanks to Mr. K, I’m known as “The Planner.”

ü  5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

Bahahahahahaha! Ok. Better.

ü  8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

ü  10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

And the two I feel are most important overall:

ü  19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

ü  20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!

…and speaking of celebrations, this morning’s physical therapy session went amazingly well, with my PTA saying, “You won’t be here long.” Testing the waters and pushing my luck at four weeks post-op, I asked, “When do you think I can attempt to run?” …and she said…I quote, “You can run whenever you’re comfortable. Just take it easy, and know that you may be sore. Ice and Ibuprofen are still your closest friends.”

Wait. What? I CAN RUN AGAIN???

Of course, I definitely plan to take it easy. I can’t go out and run three miles flat with no problem. There will be problems if I even attempt it. I haven’t ran since mid-October and we’re approaching January.

So what’s my plan?

Currently, it’s cold. I don’t like cold weather and unless it’s 45 degrees with no wind but plenty of sun, I won’t run outside. I do have the dreadmill, and that’s where I plan to start, beginning Couch to 5k completely over. From scratch. Week 1 of 9. I am hoping that I can stay on pace so that come February, I can start in for half training, using a run/walk plan a Twitter friend passed on to me. At this point, I don’t know or even expect to be able to run the entire Indy Mini, I’ll need to walk some, but I just want to complete it. That’s what’s on my bucket list and at the end of 13.1 miles, just crossing the finish line will be sweet enough. Thinking about it gives me goosebumps, and if I want to run the entire thing, there is always May 2015. Or the Air Force Half, or the Flying Pig, both in Ohio in Fall 2014. We’ll see.

For right now, I’m just focused on completing Couch to 5k again, getting myself back in running shape to around 9+ miles per week average. From there, who knows?

The sky’s the limit. I know. I still can’t fathom losing the equivalent of a person, let alone running one mile, or even three, in one sitting. But I’ve done it. So now, I’m setting sights on 2014, and pray that it’s even better than 2013. If it is, I won’t know how to act!

Thank you for continuing to read my posts, as well as giving me support! It means the world to me! So, Happy New Year! I hope that 2014 brings you many blessings! :)

Post-Surgery Update (3 Weeks late...)

Well, I survived surgery, and I'm surviving in the midst of recovery. (Bonus: I also survived Finals week post-surgery with two A's, and I didn't kill anyone in the process. Oh, thank you Lord!)

We're going in to Week 3 post-surgery and things are progressing, you could say, after knee surgery. We're not progressing as quickly as I'd hoped, but if I had my way, I would have been running on the treadmill the day after surgery. Not exactly realistic, (I get that) but I'm getting there.

Week 1 saw much frustration for me, and I wasn't exactly my happiest I've been. I couldn't walk normally until about the Friday after surgery (and thank goodness I did; meeting new folks and attending a motorsports tradeshow wasn't exactly business-like if I had been limping around). Physical therapy, began two days after surgery, has had its ups and downs. The first appointment brought me tears and frustration, thoughts of never being able to walk "normal" again, let alone actually running. I didn't hurt (I never actually did hurt), as everyone still asks me if I'm in pain. No, it was more stiffness; lack of movement, or as I liked to refer to it as "dragging a peg leg around." Measurement and comparisons of range of motion were aggravating, however it set a goal for me to meet; something I could work on and gain back. Hope wasn't exactly lost.

It was explained to me at my first PT appointment, that a normal person's knee should bend at around 120 degrees, my right bending 145 (overachiever, I know). My left, the one in which I had the scope and meniscus repaired, only bent at 94 degrees two days after surgery. With prescribed exercises though, by the second appointment,  I was bending at 118 degrees, much improvement from the appointment before.

During Week 1, I also had my follow up post-op appointment with the surgeon. Things looked so good that I was officially released from their care that day, and that I could resume "any activity as I saw fit." Hmph. Hooray! But that was a bit of a loaded statement...

Week 2 saw many improvements, including being able to walk "normally" again. I attended one of the biggest motorsport trade shows the Friday after surgery, and managed rather well during, however the day after, after being on my feet for more than eight hours, wasn't exactly the greatest, and resumed limping again. Add in ice and rest, I was walking again normally within two days. Yeah for progress!

I'm currently in Week 3, and things have started to progress much better! I'm still a little swollen and sore around the incision sites, but I finally have my range of motion back to the full extent. I've started slight weight-bearing exercises, while also starting a scar massage each night to break up any scar tissue that began to form. In physical therapy, I've been reintroduced to the elliptical and bike, hoping to build on aerobics again. I was also told I could run again this past Sunday, just not pushing it too far for too long, dependent upon how I felt Saturday after using the equipment. I decided against it, as I didn't want to put myself too far, potentially reinjuring whatever could've been fixed (even if the doctor said I couldn't damage anything further). I just don't feel like I'm quite ready.

Diet-wise, things took a nosedive this past weekend, as we celebrated Christmas with my grandparents and family. My Oma constantly has sweets and cookies abound, and let's just say I could've easily ate my weight in cookies. Actually, it was more like, I did. I've tried to clean things up again this week, but Christmas isn't easy on my waistline or diet. I know I'll get back into a routine very soon, however it's still hard, especially since I give in to food-temptations really, really easily. This too shall pass, right? Feedback. It's "feedback." But even with "feedback," I'm frustrated with myself, however I know I can't be perfect. I wasn't for three and a half years, but still lost the weight with time.

I am hoping (read: praying desperately) I can run again soon, as I feel time is starting to get away from me regarding training for the Mini, my first half-marathon. At this point, for me it's going to be walk, run, or crawl to finish, however I want to be smart about it and try to run as much as I can before, but not killing myself in the process. I plan to start Couch to 5K all over again, and that will take about 9 weeks if I don't progress any quicker than when I first started running. I really should be running 12 total miles per week by February to start training comfortably for the Mini, however February is 2 months away, and I feel I won't be able to get through C25K quick enough, especially since I haven't reintroduced running to my recently-repaired knee. I know it will take time, but I've said before I'm not the most patient person. The doctor said I could start running again in 4-6 weeks, and if I feel up to it, it sounds like it will happen soon. I plan to actually cross-train and start adding in weights again, as I did right before my surgery, while running. That should help regarding muscle development and getting me back in to running shape quicker. At least I hope...

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay positive. As many have said, "You'll have good days and bad, but just be patient." I've definitely had both, but so far more good that bad, which is highly positive! Patience isn't my strength, but I'm learning, though.

I want to wish Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat., all of the best of luck in her recovery as well, as she bounces back from (a much more invasive) surgery. She's been such an inspiration for me, as well as becoming someone I'm lucky to call a friend. I wish you all of the best, my dear! You'll be rockin' it again in no time flat, and I'm so proud of you in all that you've accomplished!

I also want to give a huge thank you to both my husband Brandon, and my momma Jill. They've been my sounding board through all of this, and have definitely heard me at my worst while lifting me up to be my best. Without them, I wouldn't be where I'm at in my journey, and definitely wouldn't have made it through surgery and this far into recovery without their support. I also want to thank Brandon for making me a hair appointment just two days after surgery so that I could have my hair washed and styled before we went to lunch (aka:when I first saw daylight again). Getting me out of the house, as cold and snowy as it was, was definitely the boost I needed to get me through those first few days. (And I felt like a new woman by just having my hair washed and styled.) It's the little things he does for me that makes me so thankful and grateful I have him.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! I hope it's fun and food-filled while spending lots of time with friends and family!

More updates to come soon... :)

So When Can I Run Again?!

If you couldn't tell by the title, the surgery went so much better than I had expected!

And the snowstorm lost! (Remember when I said the weatherman called for 14 inches and we only get two? That happened.)

Mr. K and I got up around 4:15am, set to leave at 5, giving us over an hour and half should it be needed to get to the hospital typically just 40 minutes away. We made it by 6, beating the ambulatory care staff.

(Side note: While waiting for to get taken back to get prepped for surgery, there was a great article hanging in the waiting room about my doctor inventing a partial knee replacement alternative to the traditional. Little did I know, he was a pitcher during collegiate days, turning down an MLB contract with the Kansas City Royals to pursue medicine. I'm very thrilled he chose medicine, but he's a pretty cool dude. And one hell of a doctor.)

As soon as we got checked in, they took me back to get changed, interrogated asked me all kinds of questions, which knee they're operating on, do you have any questions, medical history, could you be pregnant, and on and on. The surgical nurse then came in, asked a few more questions, followed shortly by my anesthesiologist (who was sarcastic and hilarious for 6am, even as nervous as I was about him). He asked a few questions, kind of gave me a run down of his procedure, what he will do, (which then proceeded to freak me out a little more), and then joked he could give me a shot to quell any fears I may have. He said, "You'll be feeling fine in no time. You'll get 10 hours of sleep in about 20 minutes. We good?"

After waiting for confirmation Dr. R was in the parking lot (slick roads were an issue and they certainly didn't want to put me out and the doc not show), the show was on the road. As they took me back, they introduced themselves (even if I don't remember them), asked a few more questions, slid me over to the operating table, then asked me why I was here. After I proceeded to tell them, "I ran too much," my weight loss journey came up.

The last thing I remember is telling the anesthesiologist I lost my weight 100% by diet and exercise, no surgery, and joking about Charles Barkley and the, "Eat like a man," campaign from Weight Watchers. We laughed, and the next thing I remember is waking up in recovery with the, "I forgot to tell him about MyFitnessPal," train of thought rolling through my head. Oops.

I literally didn't even see Dr. R. I had to ask my husband if he was even there. I cracked up laughing thinking, "How do I know he was the one who operated on me?" to which Mr. K replied, "I talked to him. He was there. Promise. He really did it."

As crazy as it seems, everything has gone amazingly well since. (Almost too well if you ask me.) Mr. K spoke with Dr. R post-surgery, saying everything had gone to plan, removed the tear, took some pictures, and sutured me up. What makes me feel so much better though, is knowing that my knees are "of my age." Dr. R had mentioned to Mr. K that despite carrying so much extra weight over a longer period of time, my knees are in great shape for my age, and that he was rather surprised by the condition. (Phew....)

But now the fun begins...

(TMI alert...)

I can't shower until tomorrow. It's driving me crazy, and I do feel gross. The bandages are starting to itch. Instructions say not to remove my bandages for three days, however Dr. R did say I can tomorrow. I'll be allowed to shower, removing any bandages I have, covering up the incisions, do my thing, then wrap everything back up. I'm currently bandaged from thigh to toe on my left leg, with a huge bulge at my knee. I've been curious, wanting to see what the incision looks like, though every time I go to look, Mr. K swats my hand. My knee is quite swollen as expected (poking it just to see), however I've propped it up, kept it iced, and tried to limit myself.

I was able to leave the house this morning and return to some typical Saturday-normalcy, as Mr. K made an appointment for me to get my hair washed and styled before taking me to lunch. IT FELT GREAT. (Even if I looked like someone who belonged on 'People of WalMart.') I also got through the grocery store, though by the end of it, I could tell my knee was horribly swollen. I found that limit... And I honestly hate limits.

I am trying to limit myself, however I have have had ZERO pain, and only had to use crutches once, leaving the hospital. I've put weight on my leg since, only having a weird squish sound every once in a while if I bend it a certain way. )By the way, I really hope that's normal...)

My follow up post-surgery appointment is scheduled for first thing Monday morning, followed by physical therapy that afternoon. I'm not sure how much will be required, though with the lack of pain I've had, I'm confident, ready to start running laps (though I know I have a ways to go).

I can honestly say I don't understand why I freaked out so much before, especially knowing now how well everything went. I can't wait to get physical therapy started, and to get on my merry way and start to run again. It really feels good knowing the light is at the end of the tunnel.

Just My Luck

Dear Mother Nature,

Why on God's green (or soon to be white) Earth did you decided to schedule a snowstorm during my surgery? I'm not too thrilled. I know we have a love/hate relationship when it comes to your gloomy and grey winters, but could you cut it out? Let us compromise: How about you just dump what is supposed to be tomorrow, on us in January? I'll even let you double it? If you keep this up, I have a feeling we can't be friends much longer...

Sincerely,

Ash

____________________________________________________________________

(Ok, but seriously...that's just my luck. I'm not even kidding. And people are spazzing around here. French Toast Warning!)

I always joke I make the worst hockey fan. I hate winter. Well, not completely, but I would hate it completely if hockey season wasn't in winter.

Tomorrow's the (scheduled) day for knee surgery and depending upon who you ask, we're basically getting smacked with 2-9" of snow starting tonight, ending sometime tomorrow evening. I'm rather miffed. I just want to get through this surgery and start to heal. Get over my nerves, get knocked out, wake up, and be on my merry (but gimpy) way. To run again.

The hospital called earlier this morning stating we still are on for tomorrow, I should be at present no later than 6:30am, and a bunch of other fun stuff like no eating or drinking anything after midnight. (Side note: Yes, I will die of starvation.) Surgery is scheduled for 7:30am (a 1/2 hour earlier than the first scheduled 8am), just in time for what could shape up to be a rather craptastic Indiana-winter day.

(As if I wasn't freaked out enough about the surgery, of course Momma Nature had to flex her muscles.)

I'm trying really hard not to freak out, however I'm not the easiest when it comes to things like this. I don't like not being in control, even though I know I have one of the best (and highly, highly recommended) doctors in the area performing my surgery, and well, you can't control the weather. The storm will happen regardless. The surgery will only take 20 minutes (if that), and I know it will take me longer to conk out before and wake up after than the actual procedure. But I'm still uneasy...

I've done my research (thank God for Google), as well as surgery prep, doing my homework of watching animated videos of what is to be performed. It's easy peasy, and I was fine until the anesthesia portion mentioned 'death.' Now before you say it, yes, I know it's a risk and they're basically just covering their asses. But 'out of sight, out of mind,' is something I thrive on. If I don't know about it or realize it, it's probably for the better, especially when I'm rapidly turning into Anxiety Girl (my alter ego).

(Totally me. Just ask anyone who really knows me.)

Then came my favorite question when being interrogated asked about medical history pre-surgery this morning: "Do you have a DNR order (Do Not Resuscitate) or Living Will?"

Sigh. Just stop already. Let me sign the waivers and just get it over with.

Again: I know it's totally a routine procedure, and I'm pretty sure Dr. R could do it with his eyes closed. This is a total cakewalk for him, however the fact that I'm not in control, or I have to be knocked for a loop and eventually unconscious still gets my nerves going...

I'm really trying hard not to freak out. Suck it up, Ash. You can't run without it, and it's not like you've been here before. Well, sort of.

Also, the lovely French Toast Warning isn't helping me in the slightest. (Whoever coined that phrase, you're a genius. Had a good giggle this morning over it.) For those who aren't sure what I mean by French Toast Warning, you know when everyone goes out and buys bread, milk, and eggs before a winter storm? What will you make? French Toast? There ya go...

So, here's hoping all goes well/scheduled. I'm still waiting to hear final totals for snow, but of course living in Indiana, every Hoosier knows 14+ inches of snow means two, and 2+ inches of snow means 14. It can change on a whim, just as anything can with life. (Older Ash is still trying to learn to let go what younger Ash wants to hang on to.) I'll try really hard to quit freaking out. Promise, folks.

Bottom line: I want to run again. The only way to do that, is to just do it.

(So suck it up, Anxiety Girl! The Indy Mini training won't happen without it!) ;)