Being Candid

Recently I was asked to do a newer/updated side-by-side picture of my weight loss progress by a friend. I've reached the point of 105 pounds+ lost, and it actually has been a while since I've done a picture comparison, so what the heck, right? I try to hang on to the most recent update, just for those days where I'm just not feeling the most positive; something I can look at to see where I've come from in the past 3-ish years and hopefully lift me up.

(I'll be honest, I'm really not a fan of "selfies," those pictures you take of yourself in the mirror with your iPhone. But that's all I had of my most recent progress, a selfie from before a friend's wedding. Said picture below...)

But in searching for an "old" picture and the uploading it to Twitter for friends to see, I felt a little uneasy and actually quite sad. I can't really explain what feelings I felt while staring at the "bigger" me on the left side. I actually wanted to breakdown and cry. (I'm tearing up writing this. Why? I really am not sure.)

I have so many emotions going through me while looking at the picture.

Some of it is happiness. Yes, I'm very happy that I'm finally "healthy," as I know I wasn't then. Hindsight really is 20/20. It's also that feeling of accomplishment, that I really took on Goliath and won (and no, there is NOT a pun hidden in that), but that's something I usually don't focus too much on. It's mostly that I actually am truly healthy. And happier now, too.

But what I felt seemed to be overwhelming grief. More of, "how did I really let myself go that much." "I really can't believe I actually left the house looking like that." "Did I really look like that, and what did people think? What did people say about me?" "Why didn't anyone say anything?"

It absolutely frustrates me that I even still have these feelings, as I know good and well I'm just dwelling on the past. It's time to move on, really. My husband ALWAYS told me that no matter what size I was or what size I become, he will always still love me. For that, I am truly grateful, and for his unwavering support as well.

Recently, my mom admitted she truly was concerned for my health back then. She never did push the issue as some had in my life. She never even said a word to me about size or food. She was definitely there to listen though, as I cried on her shoulder if I needed it. I am kind of glad that she didn't say anything, especially looking back, as I had my own internal demons and self esteem issues to battle before I ever could start.

(For those that do not know, my mom has always been one of my biggest supporters in everything I've done. Giving her the world would not be thanks enough. Truly.)

My mom always told me that when the time was right, when it was right for me, I could do it so long as I put my mind to it. This journey alone could never sustain itself based upon what others felt was right. Only I could have done it when I was motivated, but most importantly, when I was ready.

I do look back and feel that same overwhelming sadness I had right before I started my journey. The sadness of looking in the mirror and hating what I saw, going to the store and walking out empty handed, and the overwhelming feeling of just "sucking" at life all the time. It's the sadness that finally made me snap and make the decision to start. I hate that I still feel this way sometimes, that I won't ever be good enough even after dropping 105 pounds, but I can truly say that I'm better off than where I was 3 years ago. And do I feel better? Physically, yes. Mentally? Most days.

This journey has taught me so much more than just how to eat, stretch after a run, (or to not eat before a run to avoid having a "meltdown" in the middle of the road). It's taught me that I'm strong, that I am resilient, that I can be disciplined, (that I can avoid the temptation of birthday cake if I have to, that a slice of birthday cake "once in a while" will NOT kill me so long as I don't eat the whole cake), but most importantly (to me), that if I can set my mind to it, I can do anything I set out to achieve. I've found that no matter what you look like: big/small/short/tall, you are in control of your overall happiness. If you don't like something or if you are unhappy, you can change it! It may take time, but it truly is worth it. (Because life itself is just too short!)

So, yes, while I do still get those pesky negative thoughts about my body or the way I look and may not be comfortable, I try to focus on the positive. There's no sense in dwelling on it if it's just going to make you unhappy, right?

(P.S. Smile once in a while. You owe it to yourself!) :)