A Battle Within

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling a bit lately when it comes to body image, the number on the scale, and what I see in the mirror. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic about myself, proud of what I've accomplished, days I don't really think about it, and days where I'm still ashamed of the flab/loose skin/stretch marks/cellulite that still exists, negative voices secretly whispering in my mind to rip the mirror off of the wall. I see the fitness models and images I gain inspiration from through Instagram/Twitter/Facebook that help keep the "drive alive" when it comes to getting fitter/better/faster/stronger/leaner each day, but some days it makes me even more ashamed of who I am. Some days I crave to look like a beast; other days I realize I don't want to put that much time in each day at the gym because, to put it bluntly, I have a life. I have husband and a four-legged child I adore and love, a full-time job, a part-time "job," another part-time job, a school life, and somewhere in the middle, a social life too. I love to travel, I love to spend time with family, and I love to be myself. But some days, my thoughts can get lost or convoluted...

To be honest, even if I have lost 110+ lbs., even if I lost a "baby horse," a person, whatever you want to justify it with, I still have days where I find myself feeling awful about the way I look.

...as you may or may not have read in my last post, I started weight training. Though I had thinned out and was able to "run" off quite a bit of weight/mass, I didn't have much muscle tone throughout my upper body and midsection. I wanted to change this so, after the Mini Marathon, I decided to back off my miles to something manageable for me, 8-9 miles/week average, or run at least 3 times a week, 1/2 hour at a time, with two days (at least) of strength training.

So far, strength training has blessed me with what appears to be obliques and a line running between my bicep and deltoid on my upper arm. (Side note: I squealed like a little girl the same as when I found my jawline or collar bone for the first time.) I do monitor my measurements more, but what I've found most difficult to deal with is the fact I've gained back about five pounds according to that pesky number on the scale.

I'm sure you're thinking, "big whoop, Ash. You've lost a metric crap-ton of weight." Well, for me, it's just like buffets. It's a slippery slope; a slope I don't want to have to climb back up. With buffets, or an abundance of food available, I have a hard time managing how much I eat. I'll keep eating until the point of sickness, especially with sweets. If I get around food, my mind honestly turns to mush. I'm like a zombie searching for brains to feast (and I will tackle someone standing between me and cake).
I have a very difficult time saying no, and give in to temptation way too easily.

...and I eat irrationally with emotions during difficult times.

Seeing the number on the screen creep back up has caused me to crack down, taking myself out of a difficult "food" situation, and trying to track every single thing I put in my mouth. And even though I've been focusing on it, with weight training, I've slowly watched my weight creep up the scale still. Now, of course you hear "muscle weighs more than fat." I don't necessarily think that's true. Sure, muscle is much more dense than fat, however one pound of fat is one pound of muscle. It's just a difference in mass & size.

I track calories every day using My Fitness Pal. It's easy, you can scan UPC barcodes for nutrition information, and set goals, whether it's nutrition or exercise levels.

Typically, I limit myself to 1400 calories/day, however I bend here and there every once in a while for a splurge. I try to limit them as much as possible, and eat as "clean" as I can, but I'm only human. Lately though, I feel as if I haven't been eating enough, or that my body is going in to "starvation mode." I've been gaining where I should be losing, in that I haven't been "eating back" calories burnt while running or working out, and only going over my daily calorie limit here and there, in hopes of losing that pesky five pounds I've put back on.

Plateaus can go kick rocks.

After speaking with a few "weight loss"  buddies, friends, and a family member who also is a fantastic Zumba/Spin/Piyo instructor and personal trainer, I've decided to bump up my calories a few, to 1600 a day at least to see where it gets me. Maybe it's that I need to eat more to lose? It is possible afterall, and is a common weight loss myth.

...but just eating more calories doesn't mean you will eat more to lose, you have to eat more of the right things.

 ...and you have to persevere.

:)

My, My How Time Flies

....where did you go, Summer? I miss you already and you've technically not left us yet?!

I can't believe it's been months since I've last blogged, and I feel awful for it. I'm sorry guys! This is me, waiving "Hi!" I'm still here... ;)

Summer has been super busy, but shall we catch up?

To answer some folks' questions, yes I'm still running! No, not as much as I did when training for the Indy Mini Marathon, but I am still running. Currently, I've began to train for a 10K race, representing my employer at the ISC Corporate Challenge again this year, only stepping it up a notch. (Side note: I also signed up for the pit stop challenge. #becauseracecar) They've switched venues from IUPUI to Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and my fingers are crossed I'll be able to kiss some bricks for a third (yes, third) time. We'll see! But I needed a goal anyway, as I've recently started losing sight, or just plain getting lazy. I'm currently running an average of 8 to 9 miles per week, three times a week, which is just enough to make me happy and "run off the day," (if I'm feeling it. Enter laziness. No bueno).
 

"Running off the day" is great. Except this day. It was disgusting.

I've started toning and lifting weights, or at least continued it. (Be gone, jiggle!) I am in LUUUUURVE with PopSugar's workouts, either by using kettlebells, dumbells, or just the ol' fashioned body weight. So far, my arms are starting to show definition and I think I have obliques? I am still frustrated with stubborn belly fat, and the saddlebags I can't seem to eradicate, but as I always say, I'm a work in progress. This couldn't be more true with strength training.

In addition to both running and strength training, I've saddled up on the bicycle again, logging miles through cross training. I once read that runners are the most injured, yet still going, athletes out there.  The bike has been able to give some aches and pains I had after the half marathon a break, and a chance to recover. In biking, I've rediscovered my hatred for wind.

I lived to tell about this ride.

Switching gears, Boston was absolutely incredible, despite my displeasure with a certain airline. Thanks to said airline, I missed the majority of my planned sightseeing, and the opportunity to continue my "City By Shoes" series. I saw the "city by shoes," however it was with my grey Converse, not my black and pink Brooks Ghost 6 like I had hoped. Argh. But here are a few of my highlights:

MiniAsh tagged along. Here we are, waiting impatiently to take off from Dayton.

This is me, delayed in Dulles, VA.

I survived navigating the "T." This country girl rocked Friday's commute!

Quack!

Acorn Street: The most photographic street in Boston.

From the Green Monstah.

I can't wait to get back to the city. I fell in love with Fenway and the Red Sox (sorry, Mr. K!), witnessed whales playing, feeding, and breaching (a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this landlocked-by-corn farm-girl), and ate some of the best (grilled) seafood I've had...ever. But the most important and memorable experience was catching up with my friend Robin - one of my greatest supporters in my weightloss journey, the reason I'm finally comfortable enough to "act like a girl" and buy dresses (and prefer shopping for them), and someone I miss. We shared the delectable Mike's Pastry goodies in honor of her belated birthday, and her and her hubby took me to a gorgeous arboretum and farm nearby their home. It was absolutely wonderful, and again, I can't thank her enough for "taking me in" for the weekend. I honestly can't wait to get back and see her.

This summer, I also completed an internship that I truly "lived the dream." Motorsports, and hockey are both something I'm strongly passionate about, and I had an amazing opportunity to observe and learn processes, procedures, and "behind the scenes" work that goes in to a sport I hope to some day work in. We'll see, but you never know where dreams could take you... I've discovered that with this weight loss journey.

 
My niece/mini-me turned five. She is also officially a Kindergartener. She's still a fighter, and still one of my biggest inspirations, and has truly taught me what it means to be a warrior. She can stop growing up now.

Can you handle the cuteness here?

...and with that, come August 25, I'll go back in to "education hibernation mode." I hope to continue blogging more even though my semesterly duties will pick up, and I've been working on a blog that I think will be quite a bit of fun! It just takes some time, research, and for me to sit down and just "get 'er done."

I'll also be traveling this Fall; at least one more trip is planned with Mr. K come October. We'll be celebrate our five year anniversary, and we both thought we needed to get out of town for a bit. I'm super, super excited to plan our vacation, and where we're going, but I'm not going to reveal anything just yet! I hope to have a "City (or resort?) By Shoes," adventure again, though I promise this one is going to hurt. I've ran hills, but not these hills.