Hearing 'No'

It stinks, I'll admit it. No one wants to hear 'no,' but at times, one must persevere. Press on. Don't look back.

Remember when I submitted my weight loss story to Shape Magazine for consideration of participation in a roundtable discussion with other women who've lost more than 100 pounds? You can read about the initial contact here.

I hadn't typed out or wrote down my feelings regarding a follow up I received because honestly, I wasn't sure how to feel.

Rejection stinks. Even if I've come this far. But I'm not bitter, not mad, not really anything. Now, I'm just kind of feeling, "Oh, well." Onward!

Recently, a few weeks ago (yes, I've been sitting on it for this long), I finally heard an update after a back-and-forth digital conversation with an editor of the magazine, that my weight loss story wasn't chosen for an upcoming roundtable discussion.

I would be lying if I said it didn't take the "wind from my sails." It stinks a bit, and I (unfortunately) let my mind wander to where my hopes were up, one thing I regret and wish I didn't do. But ultimately, that's who I am. I'm a person who hopes for the best possible outcome, while worrying obsessively preparing for the absolute worst. But, in addition, I'm also someone who looks for the positivity in everything, a "silver lining," if you will, regardless of outcome.

Sure, it would've been kind of cool, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Though it stinks, what surprised me in the days following was that I didn't consume myself with negative thoughts or "eating my feelings." In the past, I would've medicated my sorrow with everything sweet, looking for a way to ease the discomfort and rejection, ultimately making things a bit more uncomfortable by way of my waistline. Instead, I channeled what I felt in to my 10K and strength training - allowing me to "burn" my emotions instead of eating them. What a change (and relief) that was!

It felt good. It was a "Non Scale Victory" in my book - one that I'm glad I didn't let rule me for too long.

The outpouring of support after helped as well. Seeing the Facebook posts of support from friends, those that say I've inspired them, that was cool. It was refreshing, and a bit humbling. To those who have, thank you. (I can't ever say that enough!)

But as Mr. K reminded me, I didn't do this for recognition. (Which is very, very true. Something I guess I lost focus on?) And this isn't the end of the world, either. I'm not "depending" on it.

Yeah, it would've been kind of cool to see my story out there, but that's not why I started this journey. I started it for my own health and well-being. To have kids some day. So I live to see 80. So I live to see my niece and nephew grow up, graduate, and raise a family of their own (and hopefully someday - see an unborn child of my own follow those steps, though not right now).

Sure, there have been some side-benefits of my weight loss I hadn't expected: self-esteem, a needed confidence boost, inner- and outer-strength I never thought I had (or would have developed), a bit of kick in the pants mental-toughness (thank you, Mini Marathon), and the fact that I've grown comfortable with who I am while discovering someone "different" under all of those pounds shed. It's bittersweet, this news, but - this too shall pass.

Of course, I'm still dealing with a bit of weight gain, and the timing wasn't exactly the greatest. The weight gain has been somewhat aggravating, but at the same time, I'm starting to see that it may be a "good gain." I'm starting to see muscles. :)

I've recently discovered I have a bicep. I'll spare you the picture of my "guns," but it's fun to see definition show up in a mirror, and that I notice it! I'm kind of getting a little enjoyment out of it, as I've mentioned before, I don't typically notice the weight loss or definition gains, as I see myself everyday. But.... I. Have. A. Bicep. I've also started noticing my obliques are appearing. (Those are both new concepts!)

While I see the weight creeping up on the scale (six pounds in total), my measurements haven't increased (they haven't decreased either), and my pants are still fitting fine (depending on the brand/pair). For me, that's a concept I'm still struggling with accepting, as a number on the scale has defined my journey over physical/muscular gains. It's something I'm working on. Again - work in progress ;)

In addition to strength training, I'm in the next to last week of 10K training. (Woohoo!) Though I'm reaching the point I'm a bit over "training" and having discipline/burnout struggles, I'm excited to see where this 10K will take me. I'm running in the ISC Corporate Challenge again this year for my employer, opting for the 10K run over a 5K run and walk. The ISC Corporate Challenge has also changed venues, one that I've had the lovely pleasure of running twice before, once during my half marathon. (Hint, hint!)

The goals I have for the challenge are simple: enjoy the scenery (duh!), and beat my previous 10K time of 1:11:57 (or 11:18/mile). Easy, right? Meh - we'll see. Both were during cooler "weathered" events, and it might be a bit interesting. What else may be interesting? I'm not sure if the run is before or after (if I'm chosen for the team - still pending) I pit an Indy Car.

We'll leave the ISC Corporate Challenge at that... For now... ;)

In additition to the ISC Corporate Challenge, I hope to continue my City By Shoes series, this time in Asheville, NC! The hubby and I (my better half, Mr. K!) are planning to travel some time soon to the mountains for our (holy schmoly where did time go?!) 5 year anniversary, and we're both looking for a needed-getaway. Of course I'm planning to pack my running shoes, as the resort we are staying at not only offers a health spa/fitness center that appears to be wonderful, but also a "mountainous" trail for guests. But what I'm most excited about? The city is active-friendly, and there are sidewalks abound all the way in to downtown from our resort! Yay! No road running! (For those runners who may freak reading this, I live in the sticks. Running on a country road is normal. Don't fret!)

...and to help boost my mood (trust me, it has been much-needed), I decided to sign up for the 100 days of Happy Challenge, and you should too! So far, I've made it to Day 2, but what's eerie (or just another message from God?) is that my 100 days ends....on Christmas. How cool is that? You can follow my #100DaysofHappy challenge on my Instagram page: instagram.com/AshleyK199.

If you join in, post your information in the comment section below! I'd love to follow your 100 Days of Happy too! :)

A Battle Within

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling a bit lately when it comes to body image, the number on the scale, and what I see in the mirror. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic about myself, proud of what I've accomplished, days I don't really think about it, and days where I'm still ashamed of the flab/loose skin/stretch marks/cellulite that still exists, negative voices secretly whispering in my mind to rip the mirror off of the wall. I see the fitness models and images I gain inspiration from through Instagram/Twitter/Facebook that help keep the "drive alive" when it comes to getting fitter/better/faster/stronger/leaner each day, but some days it makes me even more ashamed of who I am. Some days I crave to look like a beast; other days I realize I don't want to put that much time in each day at the gym because, to put it bluntly, I have a life. I have husband and a four-legged child I adore and love, a full-time job, a part-time "job," another part-time job, a school life, and somewhere in the middle, a social life too. I love to travel, I love to spend time with family, and I love to be myself. But some days, my thoughts can get lost or convoluted...

To be honest, even if I have lost 110+ lbs., even if I lost a "baby horse," a person, whatever you want to justify it with, I still have days where I find myself feeling awful about the way I look.

...as you may or may not have read in my last post, I started weight training. Though I had thinned out and was able to "run" off quite a bit of weight/mass, I didn't have much muscle tone throughout my upper body and midsection. I wanted to change this so, after the Mini Marathon, I decided to back off my miles to something manageable for me, 8-9 miles/week average, or run at least 3 times a week, 1/2 hour at a time, with two days (at least) of strength training.

So far, strength training has blessed me with what appears to be obliques and a line running between my bicep and deltoid on my upper arm. (Side note: I squealed like a little girl the same as when I found my jawline or collar bone for the first time.) I do monitor my measurements more, but what I've found most difficult to deal with is the fact I've gained back about five pounds according to that pesky number on the scale.

I'm sure you're thinking, "big whoop, Ash. You've lost a metric crap-ton of weight." Well, for me, it's just like buffets. It's a slippery slope; a slope I don't want to have to climb back up. With buffets, or an abundance of food available, I have a hard time managing how much I eat. I'll keep eating until the point of sickness, especially with sweets. If I get around food, my mind honestly turns to mush. I'm like a zombie searching for brains to feast (and I will tackle someone standing between me and cake).
I have a very difficult time saying no, and give in to temptation way too easily.

...and I eat irrationally with emotions during difficult times.

Seeing the number on the screen creep back up has caused me to crack down, taking myself out of a difficult "food" situation, and trying to track every single thing I put in my mouth. And even though I've been focusing on it, with weight training, I've slowly watched my weight creep up the scale still. Now, of course you hear "muscle weighs more than fat." I don't necessarily think that's true. Sure, muscle is much more dense than fat, however one pound of fat is one pound of muscle. It's just a difference in mass & size.

I track calories every day using My Fitness Pal. It's easy, you can scan UPC barcodes for nutrition information, and set goals, whether it's nutrition or exercise levels.

Typically, I limit myself to 1400 calories/day, however I bend here and there every once in a while for a splurge. I try to limit them as much as possible, and eat as "clean" as I can, but I'm only human. Lately though, I feel as if I haven't been eating enough, or that my body is going in to "starvation mode." I've been gaining where I should be losing, in that I haven't been "eating back" calories burnt while running or working out, and only going over my daily calorie limit here and there, in hopes of losing that pesky five pounds I've put back on.

Plateaus can go kick rocks.

After speaking with a few "weight loss"  buddies, friends, and a family member who also is a fantastic Zumba/Spin/Piyo instructor and personal trainer, I've decided to bump up my calories a few, to 1600 a day at least to see where it gets me. Maybe it's that I need to eat more to lose? It is possible afterall, and is a common weight loss myth.

...but just eating more calories doesn't mean you will eat more to lose, you have to eat more of the right things.

 ...and you have to persevere.

:)

C25K Race Recap: Fireworks 5k

As I wrap up Week 6 of C25K, let me first say how incredible it feels to know I've come this far in 6 weeks. Just 6 weeks! I've honestly never really felt as if running was beneficial before, more like a form of torture, however I feel almost as if I can do anything now after the progress I've made. To be honest, I still can't believe I don't hate running, and that I'm actually really, really enjoying it. I've found after rough or emotional days, I want to go out and run; pound pavement until all of the stress or bad feelings go away. It's really amazing what it's done for me.

Now the real reason for this post: I'm officially a 5k survivor...and I can't wait for more! I can proudly sit here and say/type, that yes, I have completed my first ever 5k, nerves and all, and loved every minute of it!

Before the race, I was nervous (see last blog post), but honestly as soon as the gun went off, everything faded and adrenaline took over. Much of the pre-race jitters I had were due to not feeling as if I was cut out for it; my training only took me across some minor hills on country roads, not twist, turns, and major hills that I would experience during this 5k, and also that I haven't done this before. Fear of the unknown is not my friend.

Week 6, Runs 1 and 2 leading up to the 5k actually weren't too bad, which gave me a bit more confidence than I had the night before the race. Run 1 was a bit of a refresher from Week 5, running for 5 minutes, walking for 3 minutes, running for 8 minutes, walking for 3 minutes, then running for 5 minutes, as well as a walking warm up and cool down. I completed Run 1 covering 3.06 miles over 34:56. Run 2 consisted of running for 10 minutes, walking for 3 minutes to recover, the running for another 10, and included a warm up and cool down walk. I completed 2.71 miles for a duration of 33:37, a little slower than Run 1, however it was also hotter. I completely expected that, however I was able to keep a pace of 12:25 min/mi, which I'm perfectly comfortable with.

Run 3 was race day; the Fireworks 5k in Richmond, benefiting the city's fireworks fund for July 4th festivities. I was able to check in early, hang out for a bit, calm (or make worse) my nerves, and take in all happenings. They had several booths set up for the 5k, including those of military branches representing and recruiting, a local fitness center with activities folks could join in on, as well as the gym's cafe making smoothies, homemade granola, and other healthy goodies. I picked up my race packet and chip, headed back to the car to get ready, putting on my number (below) and tie my timing and scoring chip to my shoe. (Side note: As a motorsports junkie, one who's been lucky enough to spend time at tracks with family-friends who race or have raced, I totally felt like a goof at that moment, realizing the chip was, for lack of better terms, my transponder. Seriously, I'm a nerd.)

I was able to meet up with my friend Erin, before the race, who was walking the 5k with several of her friends and coworkers. It was a great comfort knowing someone else at the 5k, along with one of my former coworker's mom, who I ran in to before the start. Erin was a little nervous going into this too, so it helped that we both shared concerns and fears prior to the start of the race, as well as catching up. It definitely helped ease the fears I had, so thank you Erin!

My initial plan was to run the race as best I could, as far as I could, while listening to my body and judging if or when I needed to walk, since I'm technically not finished with the Couch to 5k program. The last thing I wanted to do was injure myself. Or die. ;)

The plan was to run just as I would for Run 3 of Week 6: warm up-walk for 5 minutes, run for 25 minutes, and cool down-walk for 5 minutes, trying to pace myself. At the start, I did walk the first 5 minutes warming up, and I believe that was a plan that worked for the best. Results from the race showed that there were over 550 runners and walkers, and things bunched up pretty quickly at the start. The 5 minute walk was brisk of course, but it allowed me to clear my own space and for several people in our general area to spread out, allowing me to do my own thing. At the end of my 5-minute warm up walk, I yelled over to Erin I'd see her at the finish line, and I was off!

(At the start of my run, and I'm not sure who all was involved as regretfully I didn't look back, I had a group of ladies shout for me, giving me encouragement, yelling "Go Ashley!" Whoever it was, thank you! That really gave me a HUGE boost of confidence, and meant a lot to me!)

The start of my run took me down a hill, a turn to the right, and on to North Dr., the main road along the back part of the park, down to the intersection of Elks Rd. This part of North Dr., after the hill, was primarily flat. Once I got to Elks Rd., they had us turn around and head back, but taking the split to the right at the hill I ran down previously. I hit Mile Marker 1 on North Dr., shortly before the split, at 12:55. At this point, I had started to settle into a bit of a pace, just kind of cruising and taking in the scenery. (The park where the 5k is held is absolutely beautiful (and shaded!), and I wasn't about to not breathe in the outdoors!)

As we rounded the back part of the park, and after the "valley" of North Dr., about half-way between Mile 1 and Mile 2 was Buffalo Hill. Now let me preface this by saying that Buffalo Hill was all I heard about during the pre-race festivities; "Beware Buffalo Hill," among other choice phrases and curses. It was intimidating, as many had said that as you're cruising up the hill, you don't really feel it until you almost hit the top, then you die. I can honestly that's exactly how I felt, and it wasn't really joyful. I didn't once stop to walk the hill, and I think that also gave me a bit of a boost afterwards, but half-way up, I certainly started to feel it. Luckily after Buffalo Hill, we saw both a small downward slope, Mile Marker 2, and a water station. Well played. (My body and thirst thanks you for that, race officials.) Mile 2, I ran in 11:59, but unfortunately at this point I started to feel some ankle pain in both ankles. I'm still not sure from what, or if maybe I was just stomping too hard from excitement?

At the 2 1/2 mile-ish point, we wound our way out onto US Highway 40 along the sidewalk. If at anytime I could've felt self-conscious, now was it. Since we weren't running ON US 40, it wasn't closed down for the race, and naturally people driving by into Richmond started gawking. Slightly awkward, but I wasn't on the highway for long, as we turned back to the left and into the main entrance of the park, along the waterfall-lined drive, towards the band shell and Glen Miller Park Lake (complete with geese staring at us... Insert my, "Stop looking at me, swan," movie quote here. I hope you got that.)

After rounding the pond, approaching the 3.1 mile start/finish line, you wind back to the right, and up a hill. UP. Convenient, right? Especially when I should be running out of gas, so-to-speak. I'm honestly still not sure where this burst of energy came from, whether it be adrenaline, excitement, relief I'm ALMOST done, or what, but I started hauling the mail in a dead sprint towards the finish line.

My goal was to complete the 5k sub-40, and I honestly was a little bummed crossing the line at 40:02 (more on that in a sec), but I was so completely relieved, because I just ran 2.75-ish miles. Solid. Complete.  

Without. 

Freaking. 

Stopping.

(No EMTs were needed, or collapsing and requiring CPR.)

I'm pretty much still on Cloud 9 at this point. The only issues I have today is a slight left hip pain and sore left back muscle, however I feel really good! I didn't get a chance to stretch after the race, so it may be from that, but I plan to stretch really good tonight, and keep working the stiffness out of my hip. My left ankle was also a little sore this morning, however as the day progressed, I haven't had any issues and the soreness is gone. We will definitely see how I feel during tomorrow's run.

All in all, I'm thrilled that I took the opportunity to run the Fireworks 5k, and I really can't wait until the next one! The terrain was a little rough, something I wasn't used to, as again, what I've trained on isn't anything but flat, however for what the race consisted of, I'm ecstatic! So much so, I'm giving serious thought to running a 5k Thursday, July 4, nearby, however I'm starting to lean towards sitting it out, especially with my hip and ankle soreness. That call will probably come that morning.

Now, back to my finishing time. As an airhead (I have my moments...), you know how the time clock starts when the race begins? Yes, I crossed at 40:02, and yes the image from Runtastic below says 40:22, (I forgot to stop my timing after the race, more concerned with getting the chip off of my shoe and turned in) but your time doesn't start until you cross the mat, hence the scoring chip (or transponder, teehee).

My official race time? 39:10.

I did finish sub-40 :)