Disappointment

Well, I tried.

(I'm about to get brutally honest. You've been warned.)

I'm still in somewhat of an "emotional" state because I'm so ticked off. Running happened, for only 1/10 of a mile. What. A. Joke.

I started with a 5 minute warm up walk as planned, with no pain to speak of, while wearing a knee brace. I felt absolutely fine walking, and it actually felt great...until I took off to run...

I felt fine, for about the first :30. After that, I started to get that familiar pain again in the outside region of my left knee. I did what I was told, to stop the moment I started to feel any pain or discomfort. I am fine now, as I have no pain just sitting here, however I'm so ticked off and so upset that I don't even feel it was worth the effort.

I go back Wednesday for a follow up and I'll talk options with my doctor. I'm sure it'll be suggested that since I still have pain four weeks later (of normal rest), that I buck up for a MRI to see what's going on. X-Rays won't show torn cartilage, only bone, therefor an MRI is needed, and will probably be ordered regardless if referred to a specialist.

Of course that also scares me. Scares me of the possibilities of what's to come; what that test will hold. I'm not sure if it means I HAVE TO HAVE surgery to repair the tear (if it's even a tear), as we won't know if it's minor or major, however I almost don't want to know the answer. I already can't run without pain, the fact that surgery may be looming over my ahead at still-in-my-20's isn't something I want to think about right now.

I'll be honest, I feel like a part of me has been taken away, and I never thought that'd be possible starting this journey. I never thought I'd grow to love running as much as I did, and it really hurts to have the preferred form of cardio taken away from me. Of course there are other options for cardio that I'm willing to explore, either biking, swimming, or something else, however I hate the fact I can't lace up my shoes and head outside when I'm having a bad day, or needing some simple stress relief and fresh air. This also puts plans on hold for the upcoming Turkey Chase 7k, Frostbite 5k, training for my first half, and of course my bucket-listed Indianapolis Mini Marathon.

All is on hold until I figure out what's going on.

I hate this. I feel like a total failure (even if this injury resulted from overuse and my own stupidity). I really, really, really hate this feeling of overall suckiness, (yes, I know that's not a word; I really don't care at this point) and that I can't set out to complete what I started.

I know this too shall pass, and I'm sure I'll find something to substitute with. I pray to every deity known to man I can tame this beast with just therapy and rest, and hope that I can eliminate surgery as the only option. We will see. Until then, I'll try to keep my diet as healthy and clean as possible, and try to find a lesser impact sub for what I can do for now.

It still doesn't take away that passion I had, however I have to cope as best as I can at this point.

I'll try to heed my own advice and stay positive, but for right now, it's not looking too glass-half-full.