A Battle Within

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling a bit lately when it comes to body image, the number on the scale, and what I see in the mirror. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic about myself, proud of what I've accomplished, days I don't really think about it, and days where I'm still ashamed of the flab/loose skin/stretch marks/cellulite that still exists, negative voices secretly whispering in my mind to rip the mirror off of the wall. I see the fitness models and images I gain inspiration from through Instagram/Twitter/Facebook that help keep the "drive alive" when it comes to getting fitter/better/faster/stronger/leaner each day, but some days it makes me even more ashamed of who I am. Some days I crave to look like a beast; other days I realize I don't want to put that much time in each day at the gym because, to put it bluntly, I have a life. I have husband and a four-legged child I adore and love, a full-time job, a part-time "job," another part-time job, a school life, and somewhere in the middle, a social life too. I love to travel, I love to spend time with family, and I love to be myself. But some days, my thoughts can get lost or convoluted...

To be honest, even if I have lost 110+ lbs., even if I lost a "baby horse," a person, whatever you want to justify it with, I still have days where I find myself feeling awful about the way I look.

...as you may or may not have read in my last post, I started weight training. Though I had thinned out and was able to "run" off quite a bit of weight/mass, I didn't have much muscle tone throughout my upper body and midsection. I wanted to change this so, after the Mini Marathon, I decided to back off my miles to something manageable for me, 8-9 miles/week average, or run at least 3 times a week, 1/2 hour at a time, with two days (at least) of strength training.

So far, strength training has blessed me with what appears to be obliques and a line running between my bicep and deltoid on my upper arm. (Side note: I squealed like a little girl the same as when I found my jawline or collar bone for the first time.) I do monitor my measurements more, but what I've found most difficult to deal with is the fact I've gained back about five pounds according to that pesky number on the scale.

I'm sure you're thinking, "big whoop, Ash. You've lost a metric crap-ton of weight." Well, for me, it's just like buffets. It's a slippery slope; a slope I don't want to have to climb back up. With buffets, or an abundance of food available, I have a hard time managing how much I eat. I'll keep eating until the point of sickness, especially with sweets. If I get around food, my mind honestly turns to mush. I'm like a zombie searching for brains to feast (and I will tackle someone standing between me and cake).
I have a very difficult time saying no, and give in to temptation way too easily.

...and I eat irrationally with emotions during difficult times.

Seeing the number on the screen creep back up has caused me to crack down, taking myself out of a difficult "food" situation, and trying to track every single thing I put in my mouth. And even though I've been focusing on it, with weight training, I've slowly watched my weight creep up the scale still. Now, of course you hear "muscle weighs more than fat." I don't necessarily think that's true. Sure, muscle is much more dense than fat, however one pound of fat is one pound of muscle. It's just a difference in mass & size.

I track calories every day using My Fitness Pal. It's easy, you can scan UPC barcodes for nutrition information, and set goals, whether it's nutrition or exercise levels.

Typically, I limit myself to 1400 calories/day, however I bend here and there every once in a while for a splurge. I try to limit them as much as possible, and eat as "clean" as I can, but I'm only human. Lately though, I feel as if I haven't been eating enough, or that my body is going in to "starvation mode." I've been gaining where I should be losing, in that I haven't been "eating back" calories burnt while running or working out, and only going over my daily calorie limit here and there, in hopes of losing that pesky five pounds I've put back on.

Plateaus can go kick rocks.

After speaking with a few "weight loss"  buddies, friends, and a family member who also is a fantastic Zumba/Spin/Piyo instructor and personal trainer, I've decided to bump up my calories a few, to 1600 a day at least to see where it gets me. Maybe it's that I need to eat more to lose? It is possible afterall, and is a common weight loss myth.

...but just eating more calories doesn't mean you will eat more to lose, you have to eat more of the right things.

 ...and you have to persevere.

:)

Currently...

I've been stalking reading Dacia's blog 'My Roots to Grow' again, and she's giving me another awesome idea for a blog post! I love her post Currently, borrowed from another blog I've started reading, Fit and Free with Emily.

So here it goes!

Thinking

It's finally May, my favorite month of the year to be a Hoosier. The Indianapolis 500 is a holiday much like Christmas in the motorsports world, and it's almost here! I've been watching the sports coverage on local news outlets obsessively, following the drivers I love and cheer for on Twitter, Instragram, and others, showcasing our wonderful state capitol, and the love of such a historic event they have, as much as I do.

For as long as I can remember, I've been mesmerized by my Opa's stories of the "good ole days" of Mario, A.J., Al and several others from the days he worked at Indianapolis Motor Speedway, skipping out on work at a local grocery store as a butcher to compete in the annual chili cook off with Ma Unser or spending long days and longer nights hanging around the garage area while the world's best race car drivers compete for the Borg Warner trophy and a kiss of the bricks. He's the reason I'm such a huge racing enthusiast.

Also, the weather has finally turned, and I'm finally able to get back to the dirt track. Bring on summer!

Feeling

Relieved. My Spring semester is over, and I survived Statistics with an A (along with an A+ in Business & Society). I still have my 4.0 GPA. Highly thankful for that!

Watching

The NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs, of course! However, I've slacked a bit since Washington is tumultuous, and the Columbus Blue Jackets were eliminated by the Pittsburgh Penguins... but what a series that was!

Excited

...for my upcoming trip to the east coast! It won't technically be my first visit there, however a layover in the Newark, NJ airport doesn't count, so it'll be my first "overnight" stay, and I plan to take full advantage of the four days I have in Boston, Mass. I alluded to not being in Indiana for the first time since I can remember during Memorial/Race weekend for the Indianapolis 500, and Boston is where I will be! I'm heading out to spend a few days within downtown Boston, then taking the train west of the city to visit a special friend. I can't wait to see you Robin!

Side note: In talking with a coworker who grew up in the city, I shared my amazement that I could take a "water taxi" from the ferry dock at Boston Logan across the harbor to Long Wharf as opposed to the T, or subway for us out-of-towners. It'd give me a welcoming view of the Boston skyline, and I opted for this, as I felt it was a great introduction to the city! He proceeded to give me a look of amazement before busting out laughing. All I could think to say was, "we don't have boat taxis in Indiana, much less a subway system."

Missing

Thunder & Lightning, as my Opa preciously refers to my two favorite hoodlums. I'm really missing my niece and nephew and I can't wait to see them again soon. They always know how to make their aunt laugh!

In talking with my mom on the phone last night, she shared with me she waited for my nephew to get off of the bus from school the other day, and while they were swinging in the backyard, he out of the blue asked how I was:

"Mamaw Jill, how's Aunt Ashley?"

"She's doing really good buddy, her and Uncle (Mr. K)."

"Well, that's good."

"Do you remember seeing all of those runners on the TV last weekend?"

"Yes, Mamaw Jill, I do."

"Your Aunt Ashley was there. She ran that day with ALL of those other runners!"

"What was her number?!"

"Your Aunt Ashley's number was 26446." "Wow, Mamaw Jill, that's so cool!" (This made me cry while smiling. I miss that boy!)

Reading

...a book that finally isn't considered "required reading material." Thank goodness for summer break! I just sat down to start Janet Guthrie's biography:

Wondering

What tomorrow will bring! I plan to run for the first time since the half marathon, as I decided to just take a week off to recover, especially after the stomach flu/Satan's wrath of a recovery I had, and that it lingered for a few days this week. I'll be running a local 5k to benefit a local horse stable that offers therapeutic riding and lessons.

Working

It's that time of year again at my in-law's farm, and Mr. K has been hard at work preparing the fields for #Plant14. This year, we're drilling soybeans (again, I think...), and the field has been tilled, weeds sprayed, and now we wait a week until the actual "drilling" begins. It's not much land compared to some local farmers, but I see how much Mr. K enjoys himself when he's on the tractor. I also love riding along when I get the chance, either on the fenderwell of the Farmall while tilling, or scrunched up in the cab while planting. I didn't grow up on a farm, but yet in a small town where agriculture is still a huge part of life for many. I was a proud 4-H'er, my twin showing hogs while in high school and helping with them, but I have such a huge appreciation for what farmers do. It's their livelihood. Simple as this: We farm. You eat. And I appreciate Mr. K and my father-in-law's patience when I ask the dumbest questions ;)

Stressed

...when am I not? Next section...

Proud

I'm so proud of my "Mini Me," my niece Kaylyn. My niece is on this Earth all because of a lifesaving heart surgery at four days old under the care of Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis. The days after she was born were some of the longest days of my life, not knowing how she was or how she would be affected later in life by a congenital heart defect. At first, it was something we thought could've been fixed somewhere during the first six months of her life (no biggie). That didn't exactly happen, but because of that surgery, and her awesome cardiologist and his team, I get to see her grow in to the young woman she's rapidly becoming. Quickly. (And I don't like that!) This week, she had her yearly check up, and she's all-clear! The doctor is ecstatic with her progress, and I'm so dang proud of her. (...and proud that she's picking up on my love of motorsports. My corruption is working!)

Wanting

Ice Cream. Ugh.

Wishing

...I could call up my mother in law to wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

This week has been incredibly hard on Mr. K and I, as my mother in law would've celebrated both her birthday and Mother's Day this week. Instead, we reflected, celebrated the time we had with her, and shed many tears. This weekend is going to be brutal, and I only wish I could just pop over to the farm while Mr. K's in the field, to hang out with her in the kitchen. But I can't.

Eating

...waaaaaaaay too many damn sweets. I've been on a bit of a Pinterest tear, and my sweet tooth has been craving overtime. It's something that's always a work in progress to tone down, but I'm going in to next week with the goal of limiting my sugar intake. It's really getting out of control.

Drinking

Mucho water. Ever since the Mini Marathon/Stomach Flu/Satan's Recovery Wrath, I've been super thirsty, and I've been drinking plenty of needed water. Also, trying to curb cravings, but clearly we see how that's working...

Loving

Brantley Gilbert. Sorry Mr. K! I've recently found myself on the verge of obsession with songs off of his soon to be released album, including "My Baby's Guns and Roses," and this one:

"...that girl from Indiana sure was pretty..."

Friend Makin' Monday (FMM)....on Friday :)

...because that's how I roll?

Kidding!

It's been one of those weeks for me, and I'm just now catching up on my friends' blog posts! When I say it's been one of those weeks, it's a week I'd never wish on anyone, at any time. Period.

Since I am catching up, specifically with my lovely friend Dacia's blog, over at My Roots to Grow, I decided to have a little fun/get-to-know-me type of post. Yes, yes, I do realize it is Friday, clearly not Monday, but what the heck, right?

YOLO?

(Had to. ;) I HATE the term YOLO.)

Anywho, here are the rules! I'm a newb, but after discovering Dacia's post, I believe I'll have a little fun with this! I answer some questions that are posted over at losingweightandhavingfun.com, add my link to my blog in her comments section, and make new friends! (Is that right? Total rookie over here.)

Anywho, here we go!

1. Introduce yourself in under 10 words.

Wife. Farm girl. Hoosier. Traveler. Adventurer. Newb runner. (Ok, that's two.) Fanatic of Speed. (Ok, that's three.)

2. How did you find Friend Makin' Mondays?

From my awesome friend Dacia, over at My Roots to Grow, and figured: why the heck not? :)

3. Have you ever met any of your blog readers?

That depends... Those who have mentioned they read it? Yes! Do I have others I don't know about? Probably. (Or if you're new, welcome! Hi!)

4. How many states have you visited?

Oh boy... let's see: Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, 'bama, Georgia, Florida, Missouri (St. Louis is it...), Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Maryland, Virginia.... (This is me...struggling...) I think that's it? Mostly Midwestern stuff...

I'm hoping to branch out and travel some more this summer, specifically with the racing circuit. (Ya know, that fanatic of speed thing?) 

5. What did you have for lunch yesterday?

• (Homemade) almond butter sandwich

• Sweet mini peppers

• Sugar snap peas

• Light Greek yogurt - Key Lime

• Apple

Proof, with my Mini's checking in:

6. How many different places have you lived in?

Three. Colorado (when I was little). Indiana time's two. (Raised a Boilermaker, now a Hoosier. That makes Mr. K happy. Sigh.)

7. What’s your favorite color?

Depends on my mood... I love anything aqua/turquoise/teal, kind of a bright red fan (I love the Washington Capitals after all), like purple, some greens, but I am NOT a fan of too much pink. It's too girlie for my taste.

8. Do you have any pets?

My husband (Mr. K) and I have Kelly, our four-legged-Rottweiler-child. She may be big and she may have a mean bark, but don't let her fool you. She's a big, spoiled, baby.

9. What would your ideal job be?

I'm actually working towards said "dream/ideal job", while landing a pretty awesome internship opportunity this summer that works with my full-time job. I want to work in motorsports, putting my creativity to work, either in Public Relations or Marketing, whether it is for a specific team, company, or sponsor.

10. Do you have any tattoos?

Nope. But I haven't ruled out the possibility of getting one. I just haven't found the perfect one, yet!

Blogger's Note: I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Thanks for reading!