A Battle Within

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling a bit lately when it comes to body image, the number on the scale, and what I see in the mirror. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic about myself, proud of what I've accomplished, days I don't really think about it, and days where I'm still ashamed of the flab/loose skin/stretch marks/cellulite that still exists, negative voices secretly whispering in my mind to rip the mirror off of the wall. I see the fitness models and images I gain inspiration from through Instagram/Twitter/Facebook that help keep the "drive alive" when it comes to getting fitter/better/faster/stronger/leaner each day, but some days it makes me even more ashamed of who I am. Some days I crave to look like a beast; other days I realize I don't want to put that much time in each day at the gym because, to put it bluntly, I have a life. I have husband and a four-legged child I adore and love, a full-time job, a part-time "job," another part-time job, a school life, and somewhere in the middle, a social life too. I love to travel, I love to spend time with family, and I love to be myself. But some days, my thoughts can get lost or convoluted...

To be honest, even if I have lost 110+ lbs., even if I lost a "baby horse," a person, whatever you want to justify it with, I still have days where I find myself feeling awful about the way I look.

...as you may or may not have read in my last post, I started weight training. Though I had thinned out and was able to "run" off quite a bit of weight/mass, I didn't have much muscle tone throughout my upper body and midsection. I wanted to change this so, after the Mini Marathon, I decided to back off my miles to something manageable for me, 8-9 miles/week average, or run at least 3 times a week, 1/2 hour at a time, with two days (at least) of strength training.

So far, strength training has blessed me with what appears to be obliques and a line running between my bicep and deltoid on my upper arm. (Side note: I squealed like a little girl the same as when I found my jawline or collar bone for the first time.) I do monitor my measurements more, but what I've found most difficult to deal with is the fact I've gained back about five pounds according to that pesky number on the scale.

I'm sure you're thinking, "big whoop, Ash. You've lost a metric crap-ton of weight." Well, for me, it's just like buffets. It's a slippery slope; a slope I don't want to have to climb back up. With buffets, or an abundance of food available, I have a hard time managing how much I eat. I'll keep eating until the point of sickness, especially with sweets. If I get around food, my mind honestly turns to mush. I'm like a zombie searching for brains to feast (and I will tackle someone standing between me and cake).
I have a very difficult time saying no, and give in to temptation way too easily.

...and I eat irrationally with emotions during difficult times.

Seeing the number on the screen creep back up has caused me to crack down, taking myself out of a difficult "food" situation, and trying to track every single thing I put in my mouth. And even though I've been focusing on it, with weight training, I've slowly watched my weight creep up the scale still. Now, of course you hear "muscle weighs more than fat." I don't necessarily think that's true. Sure, muscle is much more dense than fat, however one pound of fat is one pound of muscle. It's just a difference in mass & size.

I track calories every day using My Fitness Pal. It's easy, you can scan UPC barcodes for nutrition information, and set goals, whether it's nutrition or exercise levels.

Typically, I limit myself to 1400 calories/day, however I bend here and there every once in a while for a splurge. I try to limit them as much as possible, and eat as "clean" as I can, but I'm only human. Lately though, I feel as if I haven't been eating enough, or that my body is going in to "starvation mode." I've been gaining where I should be losing, in that I haven't been "eating back" calories burnt while running or working out, and only going over my daily calorie limit here and there, in hopes of losing that pesky five pounds I've put back on.

Plateaus can go kick rocks.

After speaking with a few "weight loss"  buddies, friends, and a family member who also is a fantastic Zumba/Spin/Piyo instructor and personal trainer, I've decided to bump up my calories a few, to 1600 a day at least to see where it gets me. Maybe it's that I need to eat more to lose? It is possible afterall, and is a common weight loss myth.

...but just eating more calories doesn't mean you will eat more to lose, you have to eat more of the right things.

 ...and you have to persevere.

:)

I'm Only Human

I've fallen off the wagon.

Actually? It hit a bump, threw me off, backed up, and ran over me.

What can I say? I've ate like total sh*t lately. I've tried to clean it up, but I feel miserable. And guilty.

I really have tried, with good intention, but ya know that little thing I always mention about my stress eating? Times it by a zillion in the past few weeks.

I feel horrible. I feel disgusting. I'm stressed, emotional, and a total wreck, and I've ate like it too.

Not only have I used the excuse that "I'll be running tomorrow/tonight/next week/God knows when so have at it sister," today we laid my mother in law to rest after an incredibly stressful three weeks; three weeks I hope to never repeat again in my life.

So how bad has my eating got? Try six cookies for dinner Sunday night to the point I had a bellyache and couldn't sleep. What did I eat tonight, when all intents were to make a huge/yummy/leftover-veggie salad? A slice of banana bread and a split blueberry muffin with loads of honey butter.

I keep saying, "tomorrow is a new day," but for some reason, I don't believe myself. I've cheated myself, not only with food and calories, but I've made myself feel this way; the guilt, shame, and embarrassment because I've "let myself go." (Granted, I know it's only been three weeks, but come on. It's a slippery slope, folks.)

Yes, I've gained weight. Has it been much? No. Just 1.6 pounds, but I feel miserable. I can just tell the difference.

So my goal for this next week? Clean it up.

I'm not saying no more sweets, just sweets in moderation (not inhaling at the site of goodies). I'm a firm believe that moderation is okay; you absolutely cannot deprive yourself because it just makes it worse. I want to be able to have one or two sweet treats a week, but limit myself, as I know I feel much, much better when I'm eating better (in addition to running and working out).

I feel better about myself when I feel healthy. Since feeling better about myself was my resolution for 2014, I want to focus on it again. Get away from the crap, if you will.

In addition to all of the craziness Mr. K and I've faced in the past few weeks, one positive note is that I've kept with my half marathon training, as it's been a way for me to let go and de-stress. I've kept on schedule, and things are starting to take shape. I'm actually doing it! Ha! Who knew?!

I have officially ordered my second pair of running shoes, going with Brooks Ghost 6 again (which I love!), after finding out I should have replaced them a loooooong time ago. No wonder I've had calf soreness? #facepalm

While testing out new shoes (I also love the Newton Gravity's!) by running up and down the sidewalk like a madwoman running through town, I also picked up some nutrition to start giving it a shot. I'm at the point to where my long runs are now six miles or more lasting longer than an hour, and after running and bonking during 5 miles last week, it's time to start testing out what I like, what makes me sick, and what just won't work. This is a whoooooooole new adventure, folks.

Here's what I went with to test out first:

The gels are freaking me out a little, as I'm not crazy about the texture anyway, but I also picked up chews and sport beans to give them a shot. It's all about experimenting, seeing what works, what fuels me longer, and what just won't do.

In addition, this week's scheduled long run Saturday is 6 miles. At first, (because I'm a total dork and can't count on one hand to save my life), I had thought I was supposed to run a scheduled 10K or 7 miles this week. Well, that's next week. But conveniently, a local high school is hosting a 5k run/walk and 10k run, benefiting one of their student clubs. Why not, right? I do plan to take some nutrition with me, as I want to test it out at about mile 4 or 45 minutes in to running, whichever comes first. (It just won't be a gel. I don't want to get sick in front of people I know!)

I've also reached out to a few runner-friends and acquaintances from the community who I know have ran half marathons or full marathons before. I've had lots of wonderful advice shared with me, including tips about nutrition, tips about the Mini itself, tips about not eating Bengay (when thinking it's an energy gel, tips about getting clothes from clearance racks to shed/donate to charity when dressing in layers the day of the race, while also making sure I shed my earbuds shortly before entering Indianapolis Motor Speedway to hear bagpipers along the route. Knowing cheerleading squads cheering your name (listed on your bib), bands, bagpipers, and amazing volunteers will line the entire 13.1 mile route, while participating in not only one of the biggest half marathons in the nation, causes me to have instant goosebumps. You name it, it's all been passed on to me, and I am extremely grateful for the wealth of information leading up to race day! With this being my first half, I'm nervous, as expected, since it's pretty much fear of the unknown. I'm trying to do my best to prep for the race, and even though I'm nervous, I'm also very excited.

Closer to race day, I'll also have more information available, usually about the week before, regarding social media, race details, maps, etc. I plan to register both my Twitter account and Facebook information so that family, friends, and acquaintances can follow along during my race via automatic updates from my bib chip. What did we ever do before technology?! (This makes me geek out because I can't wait for you all to share in my progress too!)

In addition, I've also set my three personal goals for the race:

• Finish. (AKA: Don't die.)
• Stay off the trail bus. (Picking up anyone over the required 18 min/mile pace.)
• Kiss some bricks ;)

The 500 Festival Mini Marathon is officially just 50 days away and counting!

The Peanut Gallery

I've been meaning to write this blog for sometime, addressing one thing in particular that absolutely drives me up a wall during my weight loss journey. But let me first say that I appreciate all of the support my friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances learning my "story," and anyone else who has cheered me on in hopes of becoming a "better" me. It's still extremely humbling to know I have such an amazing support network behind me, and to this day, it still feels so undeserving. I can't begin to thank each and every one of you for all of the support, cheers, and positive thoughts you've given me, but I can say this: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. :)

Now on to the post.... (Deep breath, Ash.)

The "Peanut Gallery."

It happens weekly; the questions about my weight loss I get are almost predictable, but it has been four years.

"How much weight have you lost?"

"How are you doing it?"

"How do you stay on track?"

"You must work out constantly?"

...and then my favorites (hint: sarcasm ahead):

"I bet you don't eat any cheeseburgers, do you?"

"Oh, another salad today?"

"Are you sure you don't have an eating disorder?"

"You mean you actually ate a carb?" (Yes, someone actually has asked me that, to which I replied, "I eat them everyday." *Smile. Walk-away.*)

"When are you going to stop losing weight?"

The last one has honestly been nails on the chalkboard as of late for me, with several folks asking/commenting, or telling me I've lost "too much." Just as a close family member suggested I had an eating disorder at Thanksgiving because "I've lost too much weight and need to stop," I'm starting to hear those words again from several, and I can honestly say they cut just as deep as the comments I had when I was "fat."

I know I should be comfortable with myself enough that I shouldn't hang on to these words, however it's hard. It really is.

But I want to make this very clear: I eat. I eat a lot. And I eat to fuel my body.

No, I am not starving myself. (I couldn't. I, A) am trying to be smart about what I'm doing, as I want to be healthy, not skinny, and B) really, really love food that much.)

No, I'm not working out every waking moment of the day. I have a life, and I like to live it, even if school is taking away from "social time."

If I know that I'm going to have a large meal (or one that might test my calorie maintenance "limit" for the day), I run. I run to eat. And when I mean eat, I mean eat. I can still put food away, and I'm not ashamed of it.


...but I can tell you what is happening: I'm losing inches, as my goal now is to maintain, but tone. I have quite a bit of loose skin, stretch marks, cellulite, or any other fun things that comes with losing 110+ pounds. It's not pleasant, I don't like it, but I'm working to improve myself so that I am happy with how I look, and who I am as a whole. I have not lost any weight on the scale number-wise, and honestly, I'm shifting my focus away from it. I will not let food or the scale rule me, as I want to be able to share the ever-amazing Mississippi Mud Pie I did yesterday with a close friend/former coworker and not feel bad about it. (It was delish, by the way. I don't feel bad about it, either.)

...and I really don't want you, the reader, to take this post the wrong way. Please, don't. I'm not trying to come across as selfish, but the words about being "too skinny" cut just as deep as when they were about being "fat."

Bottom line: I am not starving myself for "image." I promise you.

So I will leave you with this:

Be happy. Be healthy. But most importantly, be you. (And be happy with "you!")

The Gain

There is nothing more disheartening, nothing more of a blow to your motivation and self-esteem than a weight gain, and I am experiencing that right now. This isn't my first rodeo, but it still sucks.

I weighed in last week at 180.6. This week? 183.4. I thought I was on the right track by losing (finally) and was hoping to hit the 170's again soon. No go, apparently; my body thought differently.

I can sit here and fill this blog with excuses, (I know the possible reason) but I can't let that damage me and knock me even further off track. I cheated. I cheat a lot. (Confession time.)

It stinks because I'm going the opposite way than I want to be. I hit 175 at my lowest weight, and I've wanted to get back there and maintain it ever since I gained to about 185+. The whole goal is to get to 150, if I can. I'm losing hope, not weight.

I know each week I may maintain or even gain, and that I can't be perfect. Even those who have shed more than me will tell you you can't always be perfect. And to help curb cravings, you have to have an iron clad will to want to beat them.

Food temptations are everywhere. The birthday cake at a friend's party, the office cookies or cupcakes that always seem to be sat down right behind you, the ice cream shop down the street, vending machines, or the simple "going out" meal. All are temptations to blow it. But if you have the right tools and research, as well as determination, and are able to "just say no," you're well on your way!

But you also have to pick yourself back up when it's not the best of times. That's where I come back in. I have a huge problem with just saying no. I think, "one won't hurt." (Ever hear that from friends too? Yeah, me too.) But one can add up if you do not track it or count it, and I cheat, a lot. It's where the majority of my problems gaining come in. But for both you and I, you have to make sure you have a positive mind about this!

A Weight Watcher Leader once told me, "This is not where you fail or jump off. It's feedback from your body. You have not failed."

Just because one week isn't the greatest or "perfect," you have to recover. My Oma asked me when I first started the plan, "You do realize this is for life, not just temporary?"

So if you're like me, this isn't  temporary. This is for life, and if you need a little motivation, think of it this way: You didn't gain overnight, so it won't come off overnight. It's ok if you stumble a week or two. It isn't the greatest, but you must pick yourself back up!

Stay positive, it's feedback. For. Life. :)