A Battle Within

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling a bit lately when it comes to body image, the number on the scale, and what I see in the mirror. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic about myself, proud of what I've accomplished, days I don't really think about it, and days where I'm still ashamed of the flab/loose skin/stretch marks/cellulite that still exists, negative voices secretly whispering in my mind to rip the mirror off of the wall. I see the fitness models and images I gain inspiration from through Instagram/Twitter/Facebook that help keep the "drive alive" when it comes to getting fitter/better/faster/stronger/leaner each day, but some days it makes me even more ashamed of who I am. Some days I crave to look like a beast; other days I realize I don't want to put that much time in each day at the gym because, to put it bluntly, I have a life. I have husband and a four-legged child I adore and love, a full-time job, a part-time "job," another part-time job, a school life, and somewhere in the middle, a social life too. I love to travel, I love to spend time with family, and I love to be myself. But some days, my thoughts can get lost or convoluted...

To be honest, even if I have lost 110+ lbs., even if I lost a "baby horse," a person, whatever you want to justify it with, I still have days where I find myself feeling awful about the way I look.

...as you may or may not have read in my last post, I started weight training. Though I had thinned out and was able to "run" off quite a bit of weight/mass, I didn't have much muscle tone throughout my upper body and midsection. I wanted to change this so, after the Mini Marathon, I decided to back off my miles to something manageable for me, 8-9 miles/week average, or run at least 3 times a week, 1/2 hour at a time, with two days (at least) of strength training.

So far, strength training has blessed me with what appears to be obliques and a line running between my bicep and deltoid on my upper arm. (Side note: I squealed like a little girl the same as when I found my jawline or collar bone for the first time.) I do monitor my measurements more, but what I've found most difficult to deal with is the fact I've gained back about five pounds according to that pesky number on the scale.

I'm sure you're thinking, "big whoop, Ash. You've lost a metric crap-ton of weight." Well, for me, it's just like buffets. It's a slippery slope; a slope I don't want to have to climb back up. With buffets, or an abundance of food available, I have a hard time managing how much I eat. I'll keep eating until the point of sickness, especially with sweets. If I get around food, my mind honestly turns to mush. I'm like a zombie searching for brains to feast (and I will tackle someone standing between me and cake).
I have a very difficult time saying no, and give in to temptation way too easily.

...and I eat irrationally with emotions during difficult times.

Seeing the number on the screen creep back up has caused me to crack down, taking myself out of a difficult "food" situation, and trying to track every single thing I put in my mouth. And even though I've been focusing on it, with weight training, I've slowly watched my weight creep up the scale still. Now, of course you hear "muscle weighs more than fat." I don't necessarily think that's true. Sure, muscle is much more dense than fat, however one pound of fat is one pound of muscle. It's just a difference in mass & size.

I track calories every day using My Fitness Pal. It's easy, you can scan UPC barcodes for nutrition information, and set goals, whether it's nutrition or exercise levels.

Typically, I limit myself to 1400 calories/day, however I bend here and there every once in a while for a splurge. I try to limit them as much as possible, and eat as "clean" as I can, but I'm only human. Lately though, I feel as if I haven't been eating enough, or that my body is going in to "starvation mode." I've been gaining where I should be losing, in that I haven't been "eating back" calories burnt while running or working out, and only going over my daily calorie limit here and there, in hopes of losing that pesky five pounds I've put back on.

Plateaus can go kick rocks.

After speaking with a few "weight loss"  buddies, friends, and a family member who also is a fantastic Zumba/Spin/Piyo instructor and personal trainer, I've decided to bump up my calories a few, to 1600 a day at least to see where it gets me. Maybe it's that I need to eat more to lose? It is possible afterall, and is a common weight loss myth.

...but just eating more calories doesn't mean you will eat more to lose, you have to eat more of the right things.

 ...and you have to persevere.

:)

It's Go Time!

Where have the last 22 days gone? Or the last few months of training for that matter?! I can’t believe it’s race-week already for my first half marathon, the OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini Marathon in Indianapolis.

Am I’m ready? Mentally, I’m actually better than I thought I’d be this week. I haven’t been super nervous, and as I picked up more race fuel yesterday I felt like I could tackle the world. But physically? No, I’m not ready. I haven’t been able to complete the plan according to schedule without a break for injury, but I’m as close as I can be and I won’t back down.

Through tapering and playing around with mileage, I’ve been able to run at least 9 miles during a long run, maintaining at least 12:00 min/mi, sometimes 12:30, however I’ve found I’m exhausted after 9. My legs were not happy with me Sunday, but I’ve bounced back much quicker than I thought I would, which gives me hope. No soreness today! We can chalk it up to chocolate milk, right? (By the way – yummiest recovery I’ve ever had! I WILL be chugging it after the race.)

I’ve nailed down my nutrition plan for my first half marathon using gummy chews either from Honey Stinger (thanks for the tip, Mark!), or the CLIF Shot Blocks. I’ve found GU’s or gels in general are the nastiest thing I have ever ate, and though they do not make me feel nauseous, they are warmed up with body heat in my belt. If I had them ice-cold or cool, I could probably choke them down, however I’m just not a fan. Another bonus with the Honey Stingers? The chews give me something to “chew” on, keeping me busy during at least a portion of the run. I plan to fuel up around the 4^th mile, as I find I fade around 6 or 7 if I don’t, as well as probably around 8, and then again around 11 if I’m feeling zapped to give me a needed boost to get to the finish line.

I’m a little worried about hydration personally, though there will be plenty of water and Gatorade, or “Pit Stops” as they named in true racing fashion, stationed along the route about every mile. I just need to make sure I swing by, and keeping drinking so I don’t get dehydrated. You can see them in the course map below:

If you aren’t exactly familiar with the map above, here’s a handy video from 2012, showing the course I’ll be running on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sB6uQfNXJ3s&feature=youtu.be

The OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini Marathon, or the “Mini” as it’s called, is the nation’s largest half marathon, with it being the 7^th largest running event in the United States. Just as it’s sang to kick off the Indianapolis 500 every year, “Back Home Again in Indiana” will be performed before the first gun sounds. Kicking off my favorite month to be a Hoosier, the Mini Marathon is kind of the first “event” in a month-long celebration of our proud racing heritage. It makes me giddy just thinking I’ll be a part of it this year!

You’ll also be able to track me on the course while I’m running using the new app created for the Mini Marathon! More info located here:

http://www.500festival.com/RunnerTracking

You can find me by my bib number (26446), and each time I cross one of the 4 splits (one being the famed yard of bricks at Indianapolis Motor Speedway!), my timing will update through the app. (Though I’m not too concerned with time. Let me be clear. See my goals below.) Of course, I’ll have plenty of pictures through my Twitter account, too! I’ve enlisted Mr. K for his fab photography skills. (Inside joke.) Make sure to follow me @AshleyK199 :)

The race officially begins at 7:45a, with Wave 1 of runners taking off at 7:48a. Me, being the super-fast, agile, elite runner (hint: sarcasm) that I am, I’m bringing up the back of the pack. I purposely over-estimated my start time at 13:00 min/mi, placing me in Corral W, or the 5^th and final wave of the race. I’m due in my corral by 8:30a, however I’m sure I’ll be there much sooner, too excited and nervous for words. Wave 5’s start time is 8:45a, with the last runner or walker due in by 12:48p at the finish.

I plan to (no brainer) stop to kiss the ever-famous yard of bricks at Indianapolis Motor Speedway, however my fear is that when I do I will, A.) break cadence, (it happened Saturday with a “pit stop” and I had a hard time finding my groove for the last half of my 9-miler), B.) not be able to get back up, or C.) both.

My goals for the day are pretty plain and simple for someone running their first half-marathon, with the exception of the last:

1. Finish. (Preferably in under 3 hours, but I’m not pressuring myself on timing. I just want to finish.)

2. Don’t die. (I have a friend who is a nurse working the medical tent for the race. I love you Erin but no offense, I don’t want to see you Saturday. I know you will understand!)

3. Stay off the trail bus. (The trail bus runs at 18:00 min/mi, gathering up those who either are too slow of set timing regulations or those who cannot finish the race, in order to clear the course to resume normal traffic operations after the Mini in Indianapolis.)

4. Pucker up, butter cup! We’re kissing bricks! ;)

I’m going to need all of the luck and determination I can get to get through this. It’s not an easy feat, but I’m excited none the less. The course is packed with more than 80 bands and forms of entertainment, as well as a spirit competition occurring at the same time, with several cheer squads from high schools across the state. I’ve been told (shoutout and many thanks to@DJDaveSnow) to make sure my ear buds are out of my ears before I enter Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Bagpipers, yeah!

In the end, I’ll have a shiny new medal to adorn my beautiful plaque on my wall that says, “Celebrate every mile,” given to me by a dear friend (I still miss you Robin!) before she moved.

In addition to the medal, I’ll get a free beer, chocolate milk, plenty more freebies, a lap around the beautiful IMS (on foot), and the dirtiest kiss I’ve ever had plus a post-race party; but it’s much more than just material things I can touch or hold. It’s the sense of accomplishment, knowing that my drive and determination have paid off, that I can proudly say I went from 250 lbs to a half-marathoner in less than five years, and the fact that I can do anything I put my mind to. That means much more to me than you’ll ever know…

Blogger’s Note: I want to thank Mr. K himself for being my rock of support through training; the laughing about “coming to Jesus meetings” and “pit stops,” holding me while I’ve cried over a knee injury or foot issue. He mentioned last night how proud of me, and that all I could do was apologize for being so stubborn and “determined.” It’s what makes our marriage tick, I suppose?

The Gain

There is nothing more disheartening, nothing more of a blow to your motivation and self-esteem than a weight gain, and I am experiencing that right now. This isn't my first rodeo, but it still sucks.

I weighed in last week at 180.6. This week? 183.4. I thought I was on the right track by losing (finally) and was hoping to hit the 170's again soon. No go, apparently; my body thought differently.

I can sit here and fill this blog with excuses, (I know the possible reason) but I can't let that damage me and knock me even further off track. I cheated. I cheat a lot. (Confession time.)

It stinks because I'm going the opposite way than I want to be. I hit 175 at my lowest weight, and I've wanted to get back there and maintain it ever since I gained to about 185+. The whole goal is to get to 150, if I can. I'm losing hope, not weight.

I know each week I may maintain or even gain, and that I can't be perfect. Even those who have shed more than me will tell you you can't always be perfect. And to help curb cravings, you have to have an iron clad will to want to beat them.

Food temptations are everywhere. The birthday cake at a friend's party, the office cookies or cupcakes that always seem to be sat down right behind you, the ice cream shop down the street, vending machines, or the simple "going out" meal. All are temptations to blow it. But if you have the right tools and research, as well as determination, and are able to "just say no," you're well on your way!

But you also have to pick yourself back up when it's not the best of times. That's where I come back in. I have a huge problem with just saying no. I think, "one won't hurt." (Ever hear that from friends too? Yeah, me too.) But one can add up if you do not track it or count it, and I cheat, a lot. It's where the majority of my problems gaining come in. But for both you and I, you have to make sure you have a positive mind about this!

A Weight Watcher Leader once told me, "This is not where you fail or jump off. It's feedback from your body. You have not failed."

Just because one week isn't the greatest or "perfect," you have to recover. My Oma asked me when I first started the plan, "You do realize this is for life, not just temporary?"

So if you're like me, this isn't  temporary. This is for life, and if you need a little motivation, think of it this way: You didn't gain overnight, so it won't come off overnight. It's ok if you stumble a week or two. It isn't the greatest, but you must pick yourself back up!

Stay positive, it's feedback. For. Life. :)