A Battle Within

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling a bit lately when it comes to body image, the number on the scale, and what I see in the mirror. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic about myself, proud of what I've accomplished, days I don't really think about it, and days where I'm still ashamed of the flab/loose skin/stretch marks/cellulite that still exists, negative voices secretly whispering in my mind to rip the mirror off of the wall. I see the fitness models and images I gain inspiration from through Instagram/Twitter/Facebook that help keep the "drive alive" when it comes to getting fitter/better/faster/stronger/leaner each day, but some days it makes me even more ashamed of who I am. Some days I crave to look like a beast; other days I realize I don't want to put that much time in each day at the gym because, to put it bluntly, I have a life. I have husband and a four-legged child I adore and love, a full-time job, a part-time "job," another part-time job, a school life, and somewhere in the middle, a social life too. I love to travel, I love to spend time with family, and I love to be myself. But some days, my thoughts can get lost or convoluted...

To be honest, even if I have lost 110+ lbs., even if I lost a "baby horse," a person, whatever you want to justify it with, I still have days where I find myself feeling awful about the way I look.

...as you may or may not have read in my last post, I started weight training. Though I had thinned out and was able to "run" off quite a bit of weight/mass, I didn't have much muscle tone throughout my upper body and midsection. I wanted to change this so, after the Mini Marathon, I decided to back off my miles to something manageable for me, 8-9 miles/week average, or run at least 3 times a week, 1/2 hour at a time, with two days (at least) of strength training.

So far, strength training has blessed me with what appears to be obliques and a line running between my bicep and deltoid on my upper arm. (Side note: I squealed like a little girl the same as when I found my jawline or collar bone for the first time.) I do monitor my measurements more, but what I've found most difficult to deal with is the fact I've gained back about five pounds according to that pesky number on the scale.

I'm sure you're thinking, "big whoop, Ash. You've lost a metric crap-ton of weight." Well, for me, it's just like buffets. It's a slippery slope; a slope I don't want to have to climb back up. With buffets, or an abundance of food available, I have a hard time managing how much I eat. I'll keep eating until the point of sickness, especially with sweets. If I get around food, my mind honestly turns to mush. I'm like a zombie searching for brains to feast (and I will tackle someone standing between me and cake).
I have a very difficult time saying no, and give in to temptation way too easily.

...and I eat irrationally with emotions during difficult times.

Seeing the number on the screen creep back up has caused me to crack down, taking myself out of a difficult "food" situation, and trying to track every single thing I put in my mouth. And even though I've been focusing on it, with weight training, I've slowly watched my weight creep up the scale still. Now, of course you hear "muscle weighs more than fat." I don't necessarily think that's true. Sure, muscle is much more dense than fat, however one pound of fat is one pound of muscle. It's just a difference in mass & size.

I track calories every day using My Fitness Pal. It's easy, you can scan UPC barcodes for nutrition information, and set goals, whether it's nutrition or exercise levels.

Typically, I limit myself to 1400 calories/day, however I bend here and there every once in a while for a splurge. I try to limit them as much as possible, and eat as "clean" as I can, but I'm only human. Lately though, I feel as if I haven't been eating enough, or that my body is going in to "starvation mode." I've been gaining where I should be losing, in that I haven't been "eating back" calories burnt while running or working out, and only going over my daily calorie limit here and there, in hopes of losing that pesky five pounds I've put back on.

Plateaus can go kick rocks.

After speaking with a few "weight loss"  buddies, friends, and a family member who also is a fantastic Zumba/Spin/Piyo instructor and personal trainer, I've decided to bump up my calories a few, to 1600 a day at least to see where it gets me. Maybe it's that I need to eat more to lose? It is possible afterall, and is a common weight loss myth.

...but just eating more calories doesn't mean you will eat more to lose, you have to eat more of the right things.

 ...and you have to persevere.

:)

Giving Up

Ok, not in that sense (don’t freak!), but I’m giving up on a love that’s spanned years.

Pop has always been such a crutch that I crave constantly, but I’m done letting it rule me. At least for now. :(

Pop was the first thing I gave up when I first started the plan long, long ago. I had such great success with it, was able to regain focus and start the day, sans caffeine. It was a great feeling!

But let me give you a little insight: Pop has been the one thing I’ve stuck with for most of my adult life.. It’s something that once I pick it back up, I fall right into the bad habit and can’t stop. I love Diet Coke, and I know deep in my heart giving it up isn’t going to be easy.

Today I’ve already gone through 10 cups of water (about 5 bottles). I’ve been drinking it like a fish. When I first gave up pop, I used to flavor my water with fresh fruit (lemon or frozen berries), or the Crystal Light or Kool-Aid packets, etc. It gave me a bit of a change up from just plain, old water, which can get a bit boring, and if you let it, can make you stray.

But as some friends recently pointed out, pop isn’t good for you, even if it’s the calorie-free diet variety. It contains High Fructose Corn Syrup (the jury’s still out on that), Aspartame (again, research still being done), as well as sodium, which we all know too much of can lead to a variety of heart related issues, just to touch on the surface.

If you think about it: depending on who you ask, the human body contains anywhere from 65-90% water. Clearly it’s obvious you want to replace what you use with water, not sugar filled soda.

Not only is in an unhealthy habit for me, it’s something that will help me out in the long run. My husband used to get his day started with 4 Mountain Dews. It seemed we bought it by the pallet each week. I was never much of a fan of Mountain Dew, but since it was in the house, I drank it. One year though, he challenged himself by giving up pop for Lent. (We’re not Catholic, but it gave him some sort of timeline/span for him to be good.) He did it, and then some! I can’t begin to explain to you how dependent he was on his Mountain Dew, but I am so proud of him! He still opts for water, bottled or tap, or mostly tea (which half the time it’s sweet, not a great idea…). It’s helped him out so much!

But I want to be like him. I want to give it up, even though I’m a little late for Lent. (Easter, after all, is next weekend.) But I want to be healthy. For. Life. Giving up something to better my health, and myself, shouldn’t just be limited to a certain time of year.

So here’s to a new journey, I hope, pop-free!

(I can already see the McDonald’s Large Diet Coke running after me in the drive way.) :’(