A Battle Within

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling a bit lately when it comes to body image, the number on the scale, and what I see in the mirror. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic about myself, proud of what I've accomplished, days I don't really think about it, and days where I'm still ashamed of the flab/loose skin/stretch marks/cellulite that still exists, negative voices secretly whispering in my mind to rip the mirror off of the wall. I see the fitness models and images I gain inspiration from through Instagram/Twitter/Facebook that help keep the "drive alive" when it comes to getting fitter/better/faster/stronger/leaner each day, but some days it makes me even more ashamed of who I am. Some days I crave to look like a beast; other days I realize I don't want to put that much time in each day at the gym because, to put it bluntly, I have a life. I have husband and a four-legged child I adore and love, a full-time job, a part-time "job," another part-time job, a school life, and somewhere in the middle, a social life too. I love to travel, I love to spend time with family, and I love to be myself. But some days, my thoughts can get lost or convoluted...

To be honest, even if I have lost 110+ lbs., even if I lost a "baby horse," a person, whatever you want to justify it with, I still have days where I find myself feeling awful about the way I look.

...as you may or may not have read in my last post, I started weight training. Though I had thinned out and was able to "run" off quite a bit of weight/mass, I didn't have much muscle tone throughout my upper body and midsection. I wanted to change this so, after the Mini Marathon, I decided to back off my miles to something manageable for me, 8-9 miles/week average, or run at least 3 times a week, 1/2 hour at a time, with two days (at least) of strength training.

So far, strength training has blessed me with what appears to be obliques and a line running between my bicep and deltoid on my upper arm. (Side note: I squealed like a little girl the same as when I found my jawline or collar bone for the first time.) I do monitor my measurements more, but what I've found most difficult to deal with is the fact I've gained back about five pounds according to that pesky number on the scale.

I'm sure you're thinking, "big whoop, Ash. You've lost a metric crap-ton of weight." Well, for me, it's just like buffets. It's a slippery slope; a slope I don't want to have to climb back up. With buffets, or an abundance of food available, I have a hard time managing how much I eat. I'll keep eating until the point of sickness, especially with sweets. If I get around food, my mind honestly turns to mush. I'm like a zombie searching for brains to feast (and I will tackle someone standing between me and cake).
I have a very difficult time saying no, and give in to temptation way too easily.

...and I eat irrationally with emotions during difficult times.

Seeing the number on the screen creep back up has caused me to crack down, taking myself out of a difficult "food" situation, and trying to track every single thing I put in my mouth. And even though I've been focusing on it, with weight training, I've slowly watched my weight creep up the scale still. Now, of course you hear "muscle weighs more than fat." I don't necessarily think that's true. Sure, muscle is much more dense than fat, however one pound of fat is one pound of muscle. It's just a difference in mass & size.

I track calories every day using My Fitness Pal. It's easy, you can scan UPC barcodes for nutrition information, and set goals, whether it's nutrition or exercise levels.

Typically, I limit myself to 1400 calories/day, however I bend here and there every once in a while for a splurge. I try to limit them as much as possible, and eat as "clean" as I can, but I'm only human. Lately though, I feel as if I haven't been eating enough, or that my body is going in to "starvation mode." I've been gaining where I should be losing, in that I haven't been "eating back" calories burnt while running or working out, and only going over my daily calorie limit here and there, in hopes of losing that pesky five pounds I've put back on.

Plateaus can go kick rocks.

After speaking with a few "weight loss"  buddies, friends, and a family member who also is a fantastic Zumba/Spin/Piyo instructor and personal trainer, I've decided to bump up my calories a few, to 1600 a day at least to see where it gets me. Maybe it's that I need to eat more to lose? It is possible afterall, and is a common weight loss myth.

...but just eating more calories doesn't mean you will eat more to lose, you have to eat more of the right things.

 ...and you have to persevere.

:)

I'm Only Human

I've fallen off the wagon.

Actually? It hit a bump, threw me off, backed up, and ran over me.

What can I say? I've ate like total sh*t lately. I've tried to clean it up, but I feel miserable. And guilty.

I really have tried, with good intention, but ya know that little thing I always mention about my stress eating? Times it by a zillion in the past few weeks.

I feel horrible. I feel disgusting. I'm stressed, emotional, and a total wreck, and I've ate like it too.

Not only have I used the excuse that "I'll be running tomorrow/tonight/next week/God knows when so have at it sister," today we laid my mother in law to rest after an incredibly stressful three weeks; three weeks I hope to never repeat again in my life.

So how bad has my eating got? Try six cookies for dinner Sunday night to the point I had a bellyache and couldn't sleep. What did I eat tonight, when all intents were to make a huge/yummy/leftover-veggie salad? A slice of banana bread and a split blueberry muffin with loads of honey butter.

I keep saying, "tomorrow is a new day," but for some reason, I don't believe myself. I've cheated myself, not only with food and calories, but I've made myself feel this way; the guilt, shame, and embarrassment because I've "let myself go." (Granted, I know it's only been three weeks, but come on. It's a slippery slope, folks.)

Yes, I've gained weight. Has it been much? No. Just 1.6 pounds, but I feel miserable. I can just tell the difference.

So my goal for this next week? Clean it up.

I'm not saying no more sweets, just sweets in moderation (not inhaling at the site of goodies). I'm a firm believe that moderation is okay; you absolutely cannot deprive yourself because it just makes it worse. I want to be able to have one or two sweet treats a week, but limit myself, as I know I feel much, much better when I'm eating better (in addition to running and working out).

I feel better about myself when I feel healthy. Since feeling better about myself was my resolution for 2014, I want to focus on it again. Get away from the crap, if you will.

In addition to all of the craziness Mr. K and I've faced in the past few weeks, one positive note is that I've kept with my half marathon training, as it's been a way for me to let go and de-stress. I've kept on schedule, and things are starting to take shape. I'm actually doing it! Ha! Who knew?!

I have officially ordered my second pair of running shoes, going with Brooks Ghost 6 again (which I love!), after finding out I should have replaced them a loooooong time ago. No wonder I've had calf soreness? #facepalm

While testing out new shoes (I also love the Newton Gravity's!) by running up and down the sidewalk like a madwoman running through town, I also picked up some nutrition to start giving it a shot. I'm at the point to where my long runs are now six miles or more lasting longer than an hour, and after running and bonking during 5 miles last week, it's time to start testing out what I like, what makes me sick, and what just won't work. This is a whoooooooole new adventure, folks.

Here's what I went with to test out first:

The gels are freaking me out a little, as I'm not crazy about the texture anyway, but I also picked up chews and sport beans to give them a shot. It's all about experimenting, seeing what works, what fuels me longer, and what just won't do.

In addition, this week's scheduled long run Saturday is 6 miles. At first, (because I'm a total dork and can't count on one hand to save my life), I had thought I was supposed to run a scheduled 10K or 7 miles this week. Well, that's next week. But conveniently, a local high school is hosting a 5k run/walk and 10k run, benefiting one of their student clubs. Why not, right? I do plan to take some nutrition with me, as I want to test it out at about mile 4 or 45 minutes in to running, whichever comes first. (It just won't be a gel. I don't want to get sick in front of people I know!)

I've also reached out to a few runner-friends and acquaintances from the community who I know have ran half marathons or full marathons before. I've had lots of wonderful advice shared with me, including tips about nutrition, tips about the Mini itself, tips about not eating Bengay (when thinking it's an energy gel, tips about getting clothes from clearance racks to shed/donate to charity when dressing in layers the day of the race, while also making sure I shed my earbuds shortly before entering Indianapolis Motor Speedway to hear bagpipers along the route. Knowing cheerleading squads cheering your name (listed on your bib), bands, bagpipers, and amazing volunteers will line the entire 13.1 mile route, while participating in not only one of the biggest half marathons in the nation, causes me to have instant goosebumps. You name it, it's all been passed on to me, and I am extremely grateful for the wealth of information leading up to race day! With this being my first half, I'm nervous, as expected, since it's pretty much fear of the unknown. I'm trying to do my best to prep for the race, and even though I'm nervous, I'm also very excited.

Closer to race day, I'll also have more information available, usually about the week before, regarding social media, race details, maps, etc. I plan to register both my Twitter account and Facebook information so that family, friends, and acquaintances can follow along during my race via automatic updates from my bib chip. What did we ever do before technology?! (This makes me geek out because I can't wait for you all to share in my progress too!)

In addition, I've also set my three personal goals for the race:

• Finish. (AKA: Don't die.)
• Stay off the trail bus. (Picking up anyone over the required 18 min/mile pace.)
• Kiss some bricks ;)

The 500 Festival Mini Marathon is officially just 50 days away and counting!

I'm Always Up For A Challenge

The holidays can be hard for someone like me; someone who watches their diet constantly, or tracks what they can. I have to. Because if I don't, the feast is on. I'm not saying I don't vary or "cheat" sometimes (though lately it's been all the time...), and I've been a bit of an anxious mess the past few days due to the amount of food I may or may not consume tomorrow. I'm going to try to track, but two meals at two different family get-togethers? Who am I kidding?!

I still haven't been brave enough to try to work out, adding in some form of daily activity, for fear of royally screwing up my knee pre-surgery (for seven weeks). But what I can control is my diet, and lately, that's not been too pretty. I'm trying to focus more on clean(er) eating, less sugar, the whole nine yards, but it's been difficult.

Timing is everything, and with December around the corner, I had thrown the idea around of attempting #NoChocolatesDecember again, however I couldn't tear into that KitKat bar fast enough on January 1, 2013. And I like chocolate. A lot. (...and I wouldn't suggest No Chocolates December again during the Christmas season if my life depended on it.) :)

When I say timing is everything, I pulled up Instagram a few afternoons ago, and noticed Brooke over at brookenotonadiet.com is gearing up for another round of #SkinnySnoman starting December 1. I didn't do it last year, but looking over how points are awarded, I need this right now!

PERFECT TIMING, Brooke!

You can check everything out over at her website, selecting the Skinny Snowman Challenge tab at the top of the page.

Apparently there is a grand prize too? I'll behave if I'm trying to win something. I'm highly competitive ;)

So what is the Skinny Snowman Challenge you ask?

Focusing on losing or maintaining weight, the challenge awards points for choosing a healthier lifestyle, including but not limited to things like drinking 64 oz. of water daily, eating three servings of fruits and three servings of vegetables daily, Meatless Monday (which I'm super excited to try), tracking what you consume, and adding in 30 minutes of exercise or activity daily. But what appears to be my early favorite, having nothing to do with food but everything to do with motivation, you can earn points for writing down five positives about your day. NO NEGATIVES. (Which I desperately need.)

For each item you complete daily, you earn points, and at the end, whoever has the most over a month-ish's time, wins a grand prize! Each week has a max of 450 points, with a max of 50 points over the month's time (so you don't kill yourself or exercise to death).

I love everything about this challenge, and like I said, it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Items earning points are something I mostly do on a daily basis anyway, however I want to be able to add exercise in again. I'm a little nervous I'll be behind the game with it, as I'm having the ever-fun knee surgery next week. It will come with time though.

I will try to update at the end of each week my points results, how well I did, what I want to work on, etc.

In the meantime, if you're interest, go sign up! It's super easy, and what have you got to lose? (Except for maybe a few pounds?)

Mind Games

First of all, I hope you had a fabulous and happy Independence Day (and that you still have all 10 of your digits left)! ;) It's a long weekend for me, as I took Friday off from work, and so far, despite a few rain drops, it's been wonderful!

Now the not-so-fun part...

I think I'm reaching a crossroads, one that has sort of snuck up on me. I hadn't fully expected to reach this point, even if it has been 3 years, where in order to lose more weight, I have to start toning and building muscle to burn the fat. In turn, I may lose more inches than pounds, but would start to shape and sculpt loose skin, among other things. As much as I hate to admit this, this was the portion of my journey I really wasn't looking forward to; I'm not an iron-pumping kind of girl. I'm more apt to be throwing bales of straw down from a hay mou, and loading bags of seed from the truck to the planter with my husband. (And quite honestly, I'm super intimidated and fearful of a gym for obvious reasons many folks face.)

When starting Couch to 5k, I honestly thought the weight would just fall right off; that my 4-pounds-to-go to hit my healthy weight range and personal goal would fast approach. I was finally becoming more active than I had been previously, as I hadn't been focusing on working out but more of my diet at the time. It would finally be that moment that what I thought would be the near-end to my journey, that it was finally over in a way. The end of one chapter, and the starting of a new...

(It also meant that once I reached 150, I could finally cut my hair and donate it to a child in need, and also get that much-anticipated me-to-me gift of a Brooks Laich jersey before next hockey season...)

Well... Guess what?

As I've previously wrote before, I'm facing my second plateau, one that's definitely testing my willpower, determination, and motivation. Instead of losing the remaining 4 pounds, I've gained 2 within the past month. (Regrettably, I haven't taken measurements during this journey, and I can't really report any changes in inches, just pounds. That has changed, though, thanks to MyFitnessPal's measurements feature.)

You're probably thinking, "Seriously Ash?! Two pounds? You're stressing over two pounds?"

Well, yeah, I am. Yes, I'm totally aware that I have lost 95 pounds, that I'm much better off than where I was 3 years ago, that I feel better, feel more energetic, and I just feel healthier and happier than previous. I have that confidence and self-esteem that I needed to gain, knowing that I can do this. But when you're down to the wire, you see that light at the end of the tunnel, you're counting ounces instead of pounds, it starts to matter, and wear on a person. And it really plays serious mind games.

I'm trying really hard not to stress it. I've been able to reach out to a few people in my circle of friends that have said this is totally normal. I did slightly expect to plateau around 5 pounds to go, but not like this, and certainly not to gain weight. I've had my moments this week with it, notably a sleepless night or two with a few tears; all certainly adding up to more stress and perhaps keeping the weight on, not helping to take it off.

It is highly possible that yes, I am in fact gaining muscle, as it's been said many times to me this week, "Muscle weighs more than fat." I am fully aware of that. I have noticed that my hips and belly have started to thin, that my legs are a little leaner, but through this journey, I've said it before that I haven't really noticed much difference in the mirror. I see myself every day. It's the scale where I see results.

I've been so weight-number focused for the past 3 years, adjusting my thinking is going to be difficult. Obviously the scale can't accurately portray where I've come from and how I'm doing now. I'm so impatient that I usually don't notice results in the mirror, but eventually I will. At least, I hope.

For now, I'm going to chug along. My eating habits have been as good as they've ever been. I haven't given in to too many temptations that present themselves, and when I did have that cookie, it was tracked, and it certainly wasn't every day. I'm already much further than I was a month ago in that aspect, let alone over the course of 3 years.

About a week ago, I adjusted my calorie intake from 1,330 to 1,550 per day, plus what I get from running or working out in hopes to lose again. That roughly shifts from losing 1 pound per week to 1/2 per week. It just could be that I wasn't getting enough nutrition and calories needed, as my body is working harder and now needs more to burn fat. I can already tell a difference in feeling better, so at least there's that, right?

Eventually this extra weight has to go somewhere. After all, at 175 I didn't think I could lose any more and here I am sitting mid-150's.

I'm hoping to shift my thinking, as this is a life-long journey, not just to arrive at a certain "weight" number and then stop. As I said earlier, I'm already more active than I've ever been, running for solid 1/2 hour increments, gaining much more distance and stamina over the past 7 weeks of C25K than I've ever ran in my entire life. That's progress, its just on a different scale! ;)

...and as reminder/PSA:

(Special shout-out and HUGE thank you to Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat. for all of the wonderful advice and listening to my rants, complaints, and plain ol' bitching with my plateau. You truly are an amazing person, and I am so thankful I have been able to get to know you through social media. You are truly an inspiration to me! I can't thank you enough!)

The Buffet (dun, dun, dunnnn...)

Ugh. The buffet.

That’s all I have to say and I can hear the blood-curdling scream from a horror movie in the back of my mind.

I am currently mapping out what I’m going to eat at a Chinese Buffet across town on a Post-It. I’m meeting some family in from Indianapolis to grab a bite to eat, but I’m going to be honest: Buffets scare the daylights out of me.

As I’ve said before, I have a horrible “portion distortion” problem, and tend to eat until I want to vomit. I’m so full; it’s sickening, gross, and uncomfortable.

But here’s the catch: I’m trying to be responsible and be honest with myself. It’s where and WHY I’ve got off track with my weight loss. I tend to cheat the system and think I’m getting away with it. I think if I don’t track it or write it down, no one knows, not even myself and that it’s calorie free. (I can smell the bull brewing.)

So here’s a word of advice, and this takes a TON of discipline (none of which I have):

Map out what you are going to eat ahead of time… AND STICK WITH IT!

I tend to do this if I know I’m going out to eat. I hate doing it. I feel like a fool for doing research about what I’m going to eat, but if you want to get serious, and be honest with yourself, it will help ease you knowing you have a plan. It won’t be easy for me, as I love Chinese food and I tend to turn into a zombie at the sight of any yummy food. That zombie-feeling is what makes me nervous. I know I didn’t get to 250 lbs overnight, but I also know that I don’t want to go back. I want to be healthy, and that takes dedication and discipline.

So no cheating, no regrets or… Know cheating, know regrets.

Wish me luck! I’m going to need it.