"You'll never know if you don't try."

...I know, mom. And I only hope you're proud of me for living through your quote. I wouldn't be here in my journey if this isn't what you said when I told you I decided to lose weight. :)

I wasn't actually planning to submit anything when I first saw Brooke from Brooke Not On A Diet's retweet this morning of Shape Magazine's call for women to submit their weight loss stories.

Would you like to be featured in the magazine with @babnotonadiet​? Send your story to youinshape@shape.com.
— Shape Magazine (@Shape_Magazine) May 9, 2014

I'm a little uneasy with the fact that I may or may not have to pose in a bikini. Do I hope to some day? Yes. Confidently? Double yes.

...but Brooke has inspired me; inspired me enough to run in just a sports bra and running shorts last night, loose skin, nerves, and all. I'm sure it'll be the talk of church come Sunday, that I was out running in "next to nothing," but honestly - my husband was ok with it. (As curt as it sounds - his opinion is really the only one I care about when it comes to something like this. Wow. I really am growing up, huh? Ha!)

But as one of my favorite persons of all time and a favorite blogger too, Dacia over at My Roots To Grow, mentioned this morning in her blog post, I'm not really out for the promotion of my blog, or to "sell" my story. I honestly don't have much time to promote my blog as much as I would love to, with working full-time, racing stuff on weekends, and school mixed in. However, I do want to share my story so that others can be inspired. That's the only reason why I chose to even form this blog to begin with, much less submit something to Shape.

...and the fact that I'm still petrified to rock a bikini, gulp, in public, freeeeeeeeeaks me out. But I have several folks who have already said they will go bikini shopping with me if needed. I can't even begin to thank each and everyone I'm surrounded by, who continue to give me support and encouraging words either personally or via social media.

So, without further adieu, here's what I submitted to Shape, along with the photos I attached, in response to the above tweet:

 
For me, when I set out on my "weight loss journey" about four years ago, I didn't plan to lose triple digits - 116+ pounds total now - I just wanted to be healthy (NOT skinny). Cardiac health issues run deep in my family, and I've watched my Opa (German for grandfather) go through at the time 4, now 5, heart attacks, all due to poor diet in the past. Throw in personal insecurities, bullying trauma and virtually no self esteem left over from high school (and the fact I couldn't wear fashions I wanted to as a young twenty-something because I had to shop in the "older lady section" of a department store) I knew something had to change. It was just time. On my wedding day in October 2009, I tipped the scale at 250 lbs., morbidly obese but in denial. About 6 months after I married my husband, I knew something had to change, and I joined a national weight loss program, only setting a goal to see where losing 25 pounds would get me. Never did I ever imagine that it would lead to my healthy lifestyle change. I've chronicled the good, bad, and ugly through my blog attheemotionalride.blogspot.com, covering all things from the highs of completing my first half marathon last month after taking up running last summer, to the struggles I still deal with in the dressing room mirror at the mall, and everything in between in hopes to inspire.

The past four years are very hard to summarize in just one email, especially the feelings I have battled and triumphed over, while only hoping to inspire others to make a change for themselves, and for the better, while also bettering my body for having kids some day in the future. I knew that if I wanted to have children, to prevent a high risk issue, something also needed to change. My husband and my mother have been my rock the entire way, cheering me on or holding me while I cry and let go of feelings from the past. What the four years have given me is enough confidence and drive to accomplish what I love, including my first ever half marathon in Indianapolis. I'm truly, finally happy, while also "finding myself" in the process.

Though I've reached and surpassed my goal of losing 100 pounds, my journey continues everyday with my struggles of food, but also toning and continuing to maintain what I've worked for. It's a lifelong journey, not a "quick fix."

Thank you for taking time to read my, albeit short, summary of my weight loss journey. I have attached some pictures showing the progress I've made.

My Before vs. After/Current Progress - approx 115 lbs difference.

I can usually count the seconds it takes someone visiting my office to either, A) double-take, B) ask if that's my sister (nope, I have a brother), C) ask how much weight I've lost, or D) all of the above.

 

For the first time in my life, inspired by Brooke, I bared midriff while running in just a sports bra & shorts. It was both nerve-wrecking AND freeing.

Completing my first half marathon, not expecting to ever have the opportunity when adding it to my bucket list, tipping the scales at 250 lbs. But I did.

                                                                                                                                                                 

Do I honestly think something is going to come of this? No, honestly I don't. I'm sure there are plenty of other women out there that have better reasons than me, have a more interesting "hook" than my story does when deciding to take their life in their own hands to make a change for the better, and definitely deserve the praise and recognition. 

But regardless, for all of the love and support I've been given, thank you. For those who've said I'm a warrior, an inspiration, a driving force, or a reason to decide to lose weight or change their lifestyle, that humbles me incredibly, because I never ever thought I'd get this far, much less influence or inspire someone. 

I truly thank each and every person in my life for allowing me to accomplish this.

Shamrock 5K/10K Recap

See that title up there? Ya know the part about 5K/10K? Well, I ran it/survived it/didn't die on stairs. (More on that later....)

And I ran my first 10K ever, my first race of 2014, and finished 2nd in the Females 20-29 age group!

(Now before you start thinking I'm an elite-runner, medaling and stuff, just know there were two in my age group. But still, I placed. In something. Ha! And received a fancy water bottle ta-boot!)

Today was fun! After an up and down week of emotions, it was great to not only great to get outside, set a new (and fastest) pace post-knee surgery, and finally get back into race-mode. Part of the run used a trail that skirts the river through the gorge that divides the city of Richmond. It was wonderful to be outdoors running the 6.2 miles set out in front of me, and to breathe fresh air. My, it was wonderful.

(And thank God the turn in to the gorge fell at mile 5. I needed a change of scenery, and the trail was perfect-ish. There were hills. And stairs. It was iffy. And ugly. Still more on that...)

The race started out as a combination of both 5K and 10K runners/walkers, starting at the local high school's football field, snaking out down the southside of town on to one of the main country roads. We ran, for what seemed like forever, down to mile 3/turn around point (in to the wind). I will say I didn't see my first water station until mile 3, which was a bit of a downer, and had only two during the entire 6.2 mile course. It wasn't the greatest, and I believe I'm feeling the effects a bit of slight dehydration due to it. (Or my own unpreparedness. I didn't have a belt or water with me: just gloves, my iPhone, and a pack of Honey Stinger Energy Chews to down at mile 4 - my bad.)

As we turned back to head towards Richmond, we ran forever, again, on the country road, however the wind finally to my back. Heading out was rough (though the wind wasn't as bad or as cold as previous runs this year), but coming back was wonderful. As we headed in to town, we split off to the right on to Test Road, and then down a valley away from Abington Pike, where we just came from.

My first thought, as I'm sprinting down this massive hill was, "Um, hey Ash. Ya know we're going to have to get back up some how, right? What goes down, must come up."

At first I thought, "you've got to be kidding me, that at mile 4+, you're going to make me run up this monster hill ahead of me?" But nope! Thankfully, at mile 5, the route took you to the left and in to the gorge along the paved trail.

(Side note: I now officially know why you shouldn't run in the gorge alone if you're female. I was in a pack of other female runners, 3 or 4 total, and one male runner, as we approached a total creeper just hanging out. Alone. EEEEK. I won't be running without Mr. K there any time soon...)

As we approached 5.5 miles, things started to turn up hill. And this is where the, "You've got to be kidding me," cursing that makes a hockey player blush started. I knew it couldn't be that much further, but this is where I figured out how we're getting out of the gorge and back to the finish line on the high school's track...

Up.

After one hellish hill I NEVER thought I'd survive, there were stairs.

Stairs. STAIRS.

Who in their psychotic offroad-running mind puts a set of stairs at the end of a 10K?

I wanted to die.

After putting some distance between another female runner who I kept trading leads with, and a couple that was hot on my heels, I kicked in to high gear. For the first flight. The second? Ha! Nope.

But I made it up both, ran across the parking lot, across the street, down the sidewalk, rounded the gate to the left, and BAM! Finish line!

My official gun time was 1 hour, 12 minutes, 13 seconds, breaking down to 11:36/mile - improving significantly while in a race setting from last Saturday's 12:05/mile/5 miler.

I'll take it!

After an emotionally-wrecking week, it was nice to be able to get back to a bit of normalcy, while knowing my mother in law was smiling down on me today. I said a few prayers while out running, mostly to get me through and to remind myself never to give up, but it was much-needed fun, and another great race to get me ready for the Mini in May.

Here are some more pictures from the day, from Mr. K or Speedy-Feet.com:

(Sorry for the last few grainy/blurry/crappy photos. But still, proof I survived! And didn't die! Who woulda thunk it?)

Post-Surgery Update (3 Weeks late...)

Well, I survived surgery, and I'm surviving in the midst of recovery. (Bonus: I also survived Finals week post-surgery with two A's, and I didn't kill anyone in the process. Oh, thank you Lord!)

We're going in to Week 3 post-surgery and things are progressing, you could say, after knee surgery. We're not progressing as quickly as I'd hoped, but if I had my way, I would have been running on the treadmill the day after surgery. Not exactly realistic, (I get that) but I'm getting there.

Week 1 saw much frustration for me, and I wasn't exactly my happiest I've been. I couldn't walk normally until about the Friday after surgery (and thank goodness I did; meeting new folks and attending a motorsports tradeshow wasn't exactly business-like if I had been limping around). Physical therapy, began two days after surgery, has had its ups and downs. The first appointment brought me tears and frustration, thoughts of never being able to walk "normal" again, let alone actually running. I didn't hurt (I never actually did hurt), as everyone still asks me if I'm in pain. No, it was more stiffness; lack of movement, or as I liked to refer to it as "dragging a peg leg around." Measurement and comparisons of range of motion were aggravating, however it set a goal for me to meet; something I could work on and gain back. Hope wasn't exactly lost.

It was explained to me at my first PT appointment, that a normal person's knee should bend at around 120 degrees, my right bending 145 (overachiever, I know). My left, the one in which I had the scope and meniscus repaired, only bent at 94 degrees two days after surgery. With prescribed exercises though, by the second appointment,  I was bending at 118 degrees, much improvement from the appointment before.

During Week 1, I also had my follow up post-op appointment with the surgeon. Things looked so good that I was officially released from their care that day, and that I could resume "any activity as I saw fit." Hmph. Hooray! But that was a bit of a loaded statement...

Week 2 saw many improvements, including being able to walk "normally" again. I attended one of the biggest motorsport trade shows the Friday after surgery, and managed rather well during, however the day after, after being on my feet for more than eight hours, wasn't exactly the greatest, and resumed limping again. Add in ice and rest, I was walking again normally within two days. Yeah for progress!

I'm currently in Week 3, and things have started to progress much better! I'm still a little swollen and sore around the incision sites, but I finally have my range of motion back to the full extent. I've started slight weight-bearing exercises, while also starting a scar massage each night to break up any scar tissue that began to form. In physical therapy, I've been reintroduced to the elliptical and bike, hoping to build on aerobics again. I was also told I could run again this past Sunday, just not pushing it too far for too long, dependent upon how I felt Saturday after using the equipment. I decided against it, as I didn't want to put myself too far, potentially reinjuring whatever could've been fixed (even if the doctor said I couldn't damage anything further). I just don't feel like I'm quite ready.

Diet-wise, things took a nosedive this past weekend, as we celebrated Christmas with my grandparents and family. My Oma constantly has sweets and cookies abound, and let's just say I could've easily ate my weight in cookies. Actually, it was more like, I did. I've tried to clean things up again this week, but Christmas isn't easy on my waistline or diet. I know I'll get back into a routine very soon, however it's still hard, especially since I give in to food-temptations really, really easily. This too shall pass, right? Feedback. It's "feedback." But even with "feedback," I'm frustrated with myself, however I know I can't be perfect. I wasn't for three and a half years, but still lost the weight with time.

I am hoping (read: praying desperately) I can run again soon, as I feel time is starting to get away from me regarding training for the Mini, my first half-marathon. At this point, for me it's going to be walk, run, or crawl to finish, however I want to be smart about it and try to run as much as I can before, but not killing myself in the process. I plan to start Couch to 5K all over again, and that will take about 9 weeks if I don't progress any quicker than when I first started running. I really should be running 12 total miles per week by February to start training comfortably for the Mini, however February is 2 months away, and I feel I won't be able to get through C25K quick enough, especially since I haven't reintroduced running to my recently-repaired knee. I know it will take time, but I've said before I'm not the most patient person. The doctor said I could start running again in 4-6 weeks, and if I feel up to it, it sounds like it will happen soon. I plan to actually cross-train and start adding in weights again, as I did right before my surgery, while running. That should help regarding muscle development and getting me back in to running shape quicker. At least I hope...

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay positive. As many have said, "You'll have good days and bad, but just be patient." I've definitely had both, but so far more good that bad, which is highly positive! Patience isn't my strength, but I'm learning, though.

I want to wish Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat., all of the best of luck in her recovery as well, as she bounces back from (a much more invasive) surgery. She's been such an inspiration for me, as well as becoming someone I'm lucky to call a friend. I wish you all of the best, my dear! You'll be rockin' it again in no time flat, and I'm so proud of you in all that you've accomplished!

I also want to give a huge thank you to both my husband Brandon, and my momma Jill. They've been my sounding board through all of this, and have definitely heard me at my worst while lifting me up to be my best. Without them, I wouldn't be where I'm at in my journey, and definitely wouldn't have made it through surgery and this far into recovery without their support. I also want to thank Brandon for making me a hair appointment just two days after surgery so that I could have my hair washed and styled before we went to lunch (aka:when I first saw daylight again). Getting me out of the house, as cold and snowy as it was, was definitely the boost I needed to get me through those first few days. (And I felt like a new woman by just having my hair washed and styled.) It's the little things he does for me that makes me so thankful and grateful I have him.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! I hope it's fun and food-filled while spending lots of time with friends and family!

More updates to come soon... :)

My Happy Place

First of all, I hate it when I'm driving to work, thinking about the PERFECT blog post, even what it wants to say, sounds good in my mind, then sit down to actually write it and totally forget. That's me, folks.

I'm almost finished with this semester with the holidays fast-approach. (Can we get an amen?!) It's been a trying one; one I didn't think would really be that bad in the beginning. The course that I thought would totally suck doesn't (I'm carrying a 99%...for now...), and the class that I didn't think would suck (and it doesn't) but would be super-fun, has been my most trying. It's the course that focuses on what I want to do when I grow up, just in the business sense, not sports. But even with it being my most challenging, it's pushed me. I love the professor, and the class has been great, but it has honestly stressed me out to no end. (Which means I eat everything in sight. I'm a stress-eater AND a study-eater, so it's rough.)

Anyway, I'm getting off topic (per usual).

Happy Gilmore is still a movie that makes me laugh every time I watch it, one that never gets old. And last night during a thought process while chatting with a classmate who runs halfs (he's been running since high school; we discovered we have running in common, then the typical running conversation ensued). But during this conversation, I used the completely cheesy, "I've found my Happy Place," line, referencing Happy, to kind of describe my end result of (at least) where I'm at now from start to current.

(Ok, you can stop giggling now. It really is cheesy, I know.)

But I think I'm finally there. Or at least as happy as I've been for a while.

The last few posts I've made haven't been very positive, but I haven't been feeling very positive. It's ups and downs, and it's daily at times, however even with the downs with the ups, I still try to reflect on the journey as a whole, not just the day-in, day-out focus.

With the holidays approaching, I've also found myself reflecting on the past year quite a bit. It's been a huge change from January 1 until now. January 1, 2013 (just after midnight), I was fighting to open a Kit Kat chocolate bar after successfully completing No Chocolates December. (Who does that during Christmas?!) How I ever survived that, I'm still scratching my head. But I did. And it really boosted my confidence in my own personal will-power.

Weight loss journey-wise, I've dropped more pounds and inches, ultimately hitting my goal weight, and officially entering "maintenance." (One of the coolest me-to-me birthday presents I could ever give myself.)

 (This makes a three pound gain put into perspective. Fast. Down 31 since 11/22/2012.)

Professionally, I feel like I've been making strides, too. I got the promotion I had hoped for through my primary place of employment, and somehow found myself involved with an online radio show that mixes my two loves, racing and hockey, all through connections in Social Media. (Who knew?) But not only becoming involved with the show, I've become really good friends with the host/founder, as well as attended and reported on my first two events ever, one being at a track I consider the "Holy Grail." It's been nuts, but in a good way. I can honestly say I've been very blessed this year.

School has been school. I've had fits, but I've had triumphs, all the while eating garbage during late night study sessions. I still look at it as "feedback," and try to change for the next. But I still get hungry when I study. That won't change until I'm a graduate, but see the previous paragraph. I'm working towards my dreams, and I can't complain.

...and who would've thought I'd actually ever utter the words, "I love running!" I completed my first 5k before my scheduled 5k, which was all kinds of crazy all in itself. The training kept me disciplined and on plan, and I rapidly found a new love for something I've hated for 20-ish years. It served as such a great form of stress relief, and that I also found myself more at ease while able to eat that cookie or a "reward" without having to sweat it. (Well, I had to sweat FOR it.) And despite now having to face surgery most likely from pushing myself too hard, I'm really looking forward to the future, and what 2014 will hold. Recovery will suck, and yes, I'm may have to start Couch to 5k all over again just to make sure I don't injure myself further, but I'm already goal setting for 2014, running and fitness-wise. I have races on my mind, as well as potentially scratching a big one off of my bucket list. But, that's another post all in itself, one that I'm working on for later in December.

I found this quote the other day via Pinterest, and as a hockey fan, it seemed to sum up everything I've been thinking lately about regarding my future hopes, dreams, and goals:

Always, always have a goal, no matter how big or how small. It gives you something to work hard for. And the reward? The satisfaction of knowing you can do anything you put your mind to. :)


(And I'm saving the best for last: I can't thank Mr. K enough for all of the support he's given me throughout the year, and throughout the journey. He still may think I'm crazy and eating "hippie food," but I love him and he's never wavered his support of what makes me happy. I am truly grateful to have him in my life, and he will always be a main staple in my Happy Place.)

(Belated) Wordless Wednesday: What a Week!

(Because some days you get so side-tracked you forget about the blog post you've planned, my Wordless Wednesday is a day late. But, oh what a birthday week it was! I will NEVER forget it!)

(1st 5k completed in 39:10, 2nd in 34:43!)

Giving Up

Ok, not in that sense (don’t freak!), but I’m giving up on a love that’s spanned years.

Pop has always been such a crutch that I crave constantly, but I’m done letting it rule me. At least for now. :(

Pop was the first thing I gave up when I first started the plan long, long ago. I had such great success with it, was able to regain focus and start the day, sans caffeine. It was a great feeling!

But let me give you a little insight: Pop has been the one thing I’ve stuck with for most of my adult life.. It’s something that once I pick it back up, I fall right into the bad habit and can’t stop. I love Diet Coke, and I know deep in my heart giving it up isn’t going to be easy.

Today I’ve already gone through 10 cups of water (about 5 bottles). I’ve been drinking it like a fish. When I first gave up pop, I used to flavor my water with fresh fruit (lemon or frozen berries), or the Crystal Light or Kool-Aid packets, etc. It gave me a bit of a change up from just plain, old water, which can get a bit boring, and if you let it, can make you stray.

But as some friends recently pointed out, pop isn’t good for you, even if it’s the calorie-free diet variety. It contains High Fructose Corn Syrup (the jury’s still out on that), Aspartame (again, research still being done), as well as sodium, which we all know too much of can lead to a variety of heart related issues, just to touch on the surface.

If you think about it: depending on who you ask, the human body contains anywhere from 65-90% water. Clearly it’s obvious you want to replace what you use with water, not sugar filled soda.

Not only is in an unhealthy habit for me, it’s something that will help me out in the long run. My husband used to get his day started with 4 Mountain Dews. It seemed we bought it by the pallet each week. I was never much of a fan of Mountain Dew, but since it was in the house, I drank it. One year though, he challenged himself by giving up pop for Lent. (We’re not Catholic, but it gave him some sort of timeline/span for him to be good.) He did it, and then some! I can’t begin to explain to you how dependent he was on his Mountain Dew, but I am so proud of him! He still opts for water, bottled or tap, or mostly tea (which half the time it’s sweet, not a great idea…). It’s helped him out so much!

But I want to be like him. I want to give it up, even though I’m a little late for Lent. (Easter, after all, is next weekend.) But I want to be healthy. For. Life. Giving up something to better my health, and myself, shouldn’t just be limited to a certain time of year.

So here’s to a new journey, I hope, pop-free!

(I can already see the McDonald’s Large Diet Coke running after me in the drive way.) :’(

The Buffet (dun, dun, dunnnn...)

Ugh. The buffet.

That’s all I have to say and I can hear the blood-curdling scream from a horror movie in the back of my mind.

I am currently mapping out what I’m going to eat at a Chinese Buffet across town on a Post-It. I’m meeting some family in from Indianapolis to grab a bite to eat, but I’m going to be honest: Buffets scare the daylights out of me.

As I’ve said before, I have a horrible “portion distortion” problem, and tend to eat until I want to vomit. I’m so full; it’s sickening, gross, and uncomfortable.

But here’s the catch: I’m trying to be responsible and be honest with myself. It’s where and WHY I’ve got off track with my weight loss. I tend to cheat the system and think I’m getting away with it. I think if I don’t track it or write it down, no one knows, not even myself and that it’s calorie free. (I can smell the bull brewing.)

So here’s a word of advice, and this takes a TON of discipline (none of which I have):

Map out what you are going to eat ahead of time… AND STICK WITH IT!

I tend to do this if I know I’m going out to eat. I hate doing it. I feel like a fool for doing research about what I’m going to eat, but if you want to get serious, and be honest with yourself, it will help ease you knowing you have a plan. It won’t be easy for me, as I love Chinese food and I tend to turn into a zombie at the sight of any yummy food. That zombie-feeling is what makes me nervous. I know I didn’t get to 250 lbs overnight, but I also know that I don’t want to go back. I want to be healthy, and that takes dedication and discipline.

So no cheating, no regrets or… Know cheating, know regrets.

Wish me luck! I’m going to need it.