Ready to Ring in 2014

Last year, to kick off 2013, I set a resolution of hitting my weight loss goal of 100 pounds, while entering my healthy weight range for the first time since who knows when. It certainly still doesn’t feel as if I’ve arrived at my “destination” of healthiness. Hell, I still feel I eat like garbage, or that I could be doing more than what I currently am regarding working out, cardio or strength training. But the only thing I can really think of is, “Wow. I finally stuck to a resolution. How ‘bout that?”

I’m honestly always at a loss for resolutions. I hate setting them. I never stick to them. (Except for last year’s, but who really does?) There’s always the, “I’m going to work out more. Go to the Gym. Eat better,” resolution, but I’m already living that as best I can. I could’ve gone with the, “I’ll go to more hockey games,” but my husband shot that down. I thought about being more “carefree” but who am I kidding? I wouldn’t be me without worry.

Mr. K and I were discussing what we thought our resolutions could be for 2014, just random conversation during the 45 minute drive home from Christmas celebrations with my family. After about five minutes of giggling, serious tones, and several, “Are you really going to stick with that?!,” I thought to myself, “I want to be happier with  myself.” So I ran it by him. He adamantly agreed.

I’ll be honest, even after losing 110 pounds, I haven’t been able to actually look at myself in the mirror and feel satisfied or happy with what I see. Mr. K hears it all the time, especially in the past few days after gluttonous feasts on Christmas goodies (and tooooooooooo many cookies to count). I haven’t felt exactly my best, and with surgery and not being able to run or really workout (my words, I could’ve worked out but I used it as an excuse), really put me down for the past few months. I try not to focus on the negative, but I still find it hard, especially on days I feel “fat.” (And lately, that’s been more than not.)

I don’t know where the negative thinking really comes from. Is it negative feelings caused by emotional scars from past experiences? Am I just not confident enough with who I am? (That’s improved drastically in my twenties, though. I used to NEVER go up and talk to anyone I didn’t know. Now? Hell, no problem! I’m one of the friendliest and approachable girls you’ll meet!) But I only ever want to feel good about myself, and if that means letting go of negative thoughts, the past, whatever, I’ll do it. In 2014.

So that’s my goal, my resolution. New year, new outlook.

Just as I was thinking and browsing Facebook on my lunch hour today, Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat., and also one of my favorite Twitter/Facebook/all around rock star friends, posted this bit from Mind, Body, Green, and I think really hammers home what I’m hoping to accomplish with my resolution for 2014. (You have impeccable timing, Dacia!) Here are a few highlights I personally want to improve upon most:

ü  2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

ü  3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

Anyone that knows me, knows this may be the hardest. Thanks to Mr. K, I’m known as “The Planner.”

ü  5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

Bahahahahahaha! Ok. Better.

ü  8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

ü  10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

And the two I feel are most important overall:

ü  19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

ü  20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!

…and speaking of celebrations, this morning’s physical therapy session went amazingly well, with my PTA saying, “You won’t be here long.” Testing the waters and pushing my luck at four weeks post-op, I asked, “When do you think I can attempt to run?” …and she said…I quote, “You can run whenever you’re comfortable. Just take it easy, and know that you may be sore. Ice and Ibuprofen are still your closest friends.”

Wait. What? I CAN RUN AGAIN???

Of course, I definitely plan to take it easy. I can’t go out and run three miles flat with no problem. There will be problems if I even attempt it. I haven’t ran since mid-October and we’re approaching January.

So what’s my plan?

Currently, it’s cold. I don’t like cold weather and unless it’s 45 degrees with no wind but plenty of sun, I won’t run outside. I do have the dreadmill, and that’s where I plan to start, beginning Couch to 5k completely over. From scratch. Week 1 of 9. I am hoping that I can stay on pace so that come February, I can start in for half training, using a run/walk plan a Twitter friend passed on to me. At this point, I don’t know or even expect to be able to run the entire Indy Mini, I’ll need to walk some, but I just want to complete it. That’s what’s on my bucket list and at the end of 13.1 miles, just crossing the finish line will be sweet enough. Thinking about it gives me goosebumps, and if I want to run the entire thing, there is always May 2015. Or the Air Force Half, or the Flying Pig, both in Ohio in Fall 2014. We’ll see.

For right now, I’m just focused on completing Couch to 5k again, getting myself back in running shape to around 9+ miles per week average. From there, who knows?

The sky’s the limit. I know. I still can’t fathom losing the equivalent of a person, let alone running one mile, or even three, in one sitting. But I’ve done it. So now, I’m setting sights on 2014, and pray that it’s even better than 2013. If it is, I won’t know how to act!

Thank you for continuing to read my posts, as well as giving me support! It means the world to me! So, Happy New Year! I hope that 2014 brings you many blessings! :)

Post-Surgery Update (3 Weeks late...)

Well, I survived surgery, and I'm surviving in the midst of recovery. (Bonus: I also survived Finals week post-surgery with two A's, and I didn't kill anyone in the process. Oh, thank you Lord!)

We're going in to Week 3 post-surgery and things are progressing, you could say, after knee surgery. We're not progressing as quickly as I'd hoped, but if I had my way, I would have been running on the treadmill the day after surgery. Not exactly realistic, (I get that) but I'm getting there.

Week 1 saw much frustration for me, and I wasn't exactly my happiest I've been. I couldn't walk normally until about the Friday after surgery (and thank goodness I did; meeting new folks and attending a motorsports tradeshow wasn't exactly business-like if I had been limping around). Physical therapy, began two days after surgery, has had its ups and downs. The first appointment brought me tears and frustration, thoughts of never being able to walk "normal" again, let alone actually running. I didn't hurt (I never actually did hurt), as everyone still asks me if I'm in pain. No, it was more stiffness; lack of movement, or as I liked to refer to it as "dragging a peg leg around." Measurement and comparisons of range of motion were aggravating, however it set a goal for me to meet; something I could work on and gain back. Hope wasn't exactly lost.

It was explained to me at my first PT appointment, that a normal person's knee should bend at around 120 degrees, my right bending 145 (overachiever, I know). My left, the one in which I had the scope and meniscus repaired, only bent at 94 degrees two days after surgery. With prescribed exercises though, by the second appointment,  I was bending at 118 degrees, much improvement from the appointment before.

During Week 1, I also had my follow up post-op appointment with the surgeon. Things looked so good that I was officially released from their care that day, and that I could resume "any activity as I saw fit." Hmph. Hooray! But that was a bit of a loaded statement...

Week 2 saw many improvements, including being able to walk "normally" again. I attended one of the biggest motorsport trade shows the Friday after surgery, and managed rather well during, however the day after, after being on my feet for more than eight hours, wasn't exactly the greatest, and resumed limping again. Add in ice and rest, I was walking again normally within two days. Yeah for progress!

I'm currently in Week 3, and things have started to progress much better! I'm still a little swollen and sore around the incision sites, but I finally have my range of motion back to the full extent. I've started slight weight-bearing exercises, while also starting a scar massage each night to break up any scar tissue that began to form. In physical therapy, I've been reintroduced to the elliptical and bike, hoping to build on aerobics again. I was also told I could run again this past Sunday, just not pushing it too far for too long, dependent upon how I felt Saturday after using the equipment. I decided against it, as I didn't want to put myself too far, potentially reinjuring whatever could've been fixed (even if the doctor said I couldn't damage anything further). I just don't feel like I'm quite ready.

Diet-wise, things took a nosedive this past weekend, as we celebrated Christmas with my grandparents and family. My Oma constantly has sweets and cookies abound, and let's just say I could've easily ate my weight in cookies. Actually, it was more like, I did. I've tried to clean things up again this week, but Christmas isn't easy on my waistline or diet. I know I'll get back into a routine very soon, however it's still hard, especially since I give in to food-temptations really, really easily. This too shall pass, right? Feedback. It's "feedback." But even with "feedback," I'm frustrated with myself, however I know I can't be perfect. I wasn't for three and a half years, but still lost the weight with time.

I am hoping (read: praying desperately) I can run again soon, as I feel time is starting to get away from me regarding training for the Mini, my first half-marathon. At this point, for me it's going to be walk, run, or crawl to finish, however I want to be smart about it and try to run as much as I can before, but not killing myself in the process. I plan to start Couch to 5K all over again, and that will take about 9 weeks if I don't progress any quicker than when I first started running. I really should be running 12 total miles per week by February to start training comfortably for the Mini, however February is 2 months away, and I feel I won't be able to get through C25K quick enough, especially since I haven't reintroduced running to my recently-repaired knee. I know it will take time, but I've said before I'm not the most patient person. The doctor said I could start running again in 4-6 weeks, and if I feel up to it, it sounds like it will happen soon. I plan to actually cross-train and start adding in weights again, as I did right before my surgery, while running. That should help regarding muscle development and getting me back in to running shape quicker. At least I hope...

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay positive. As many have said, "You'll have good days and bad, but just be patient." I've definitely had both, but so far more good that bad, which is highly positive! Patience isn't my strength, but I'm learning, though.

I want to wish Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat., all of the best of luck in her recovery as well, as she bounces back from (a much more invasive) surgery. She's been such an inspiration for me, as well as becoming someone I'm lucky to call a friend. I wish you all of the best, my dear! You'll be rockin' it again in no time flat, and I'm so proud of you in all that you've accomplished!

I also want to give a huge thank you to both my husband Brandon, and my momma Jill. They've been my sounding board through all of this, and have definitely heard me at my worst while lifting me up to be my best. Without them, I wouldn't be where I'm at in my journey, and definitely wouldn't have made it through surgery and this far into recovery without their support. I also want to thank Brandon for making me a hair appointment just two days after surgery so that I could have my hair washed and styled before we went to lunch (aka:when I first saw daylight again). Getting me out of the house, as cold and snowy as it was, was definitely the boost I needed to get me through those first few days. (And I felt like a new woman by just having my hair washed and styled.) It's the little things he does for me that makes me so thankful and grateful I have him.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! I hope it's fun and food-filled while spending lots of time with friends and family!

More updates to come soon... :)

So When Can I Run Again?!

If you couldn't tell by the title, the surgery went so much better than I had expected!

And the snowstorm lost! (Remember when I said the weatherman called for 14 inches and we only get two? That happened.)

Mr. K and I got up around 4:15am, set to leave at 5, giving us over an hour and half should it be needed to get to the hospital typically just 40 minutes away. We made it by 6, beating the ambulatory care staff.

(Side note: While waiting for to get taken back to get prepped for surgery, there was a great article hanging in the waiting room about my doctor inventing a partial knee replacement alternative to the traditional. Little did I know, he was a pitcher during collegiate days, turning down an MLB contract with the Kansas City Royals to pursue medicine. I'm very thrilled he chose medicine, but he's a pretty cool dude. And one hell of a doctor.)

As soon as we got checked in, they took me back to get changed, interrogated asked me all kinds of questions, which knee they're operating on, do you have any questions, medical history, could you be pregnant, and on and on. The surgical nurse then came in, asked a few more questions, followed shortly by my anesthesiologist (who was sarcastic and hilarious for 6am, even as nervous as I was about him). He asked a few questions, kind of gave me a run down of his procedure, what he will do, (which then proceeded to freak me out a little more), and then joked he could give me a shot to quell any fears I may have. He said, "You'll be feeling fine in no time. You'll get 10 hours of sleep in about 20 minutes. We good?"

After waiting for confirmation Dr. R was in the parking lot (slick roads were an issue and they certainly didn't want to put me out and the doc not show), the show was on the road. As they took me back, they introduced themselves (even if I don't remember them), asked a few more questions, slid me over to the operating table, then asked me why I was here. After I proceeded to tell them, "I ran too much," my weight loss journey came up.

The last thing I remember is telling the anesthesiologist I lost my weight 100% by diet and exercise, no surgery, and joking about Charles Barkley and the, "Eat like a man," campaign from Weight Watchers. We laughed, and the next thing I remember is waking up in recovery with the, "I forgot to tell him about MyFitnessPal," train of thought rolling through my head. Oops.

I literally didn't even see Dr. R. I had to ask my husband if he was even there. I cracked up laughing thinking, "How do I know he was the one who operated on me?" to which Mr. K replied, "I talked to him. He was there. Promise. He really did it."

As crazy as it seems, everything has gone amazingly well since. (Almost too well if you ask me.) Mr. K spoke with Dr. R post-surgery, saying everything had gone to plan, removed the tear, took some pictures, and sutured me up. What makes me feel so much better though, is knowing that my knees are "of my age." Dr. R had mentioned to Mr. K that despite carrying so much extra weight over a longer period of time, my knees are in great shape for my age, and that he was rather surprised by the condition. (Phew....)

But now the fun begins...

(TMI alert...)

I can't shower until tomorrow. It's driving me crazy, and I do feel gross. The bandages are starting to itch. Instructions say not to remove my bandages for three days, however Dr. R did say I can tomorrow. I'll be allowed to shower, removing any bandages I have, covering up the incisions, do my thing, then wrap everything back up. I'm currently bandaged from thigh to toe on my left leg, with a huge bulge at my knee. I've been curious, wanting to see what the incision looks like, though every time I go to look, Mr. K swats my hand. My knee is quite swollen as expected (poking it just to see), however I've propped it up, kept it iced, and tried to limit myself.

I was able to leave the house this morning and return to some typical Saturday-normalcy, as Mr. K made an appointment for me to get my hair washed and styled before taking me to lunch. IT FELT GREAT. (Even if I looked like someone who belonged on 'People of WalMart.') I also got through the grocery store, though by the end of it, I could tell my knee was horribly swollen. I found that limit... And I honestly hate limits.

I am trying to limit myself, however I have have had ZERO pain, and only had to use crutches once, leaving the hospital. I've put weight on my leg since, only having a weird squish sound every once in a while if I bend it a certain way. )By the way, I really hope that's normal...)

My follow up post-surgery appointment is scheduled for first thing Monday morning, followed by physical therapy that afternoon. I'm not sure how much will be required, though with the lack of pain I've had, I'm confident, ready to start running laps (though I know I have a ways to go).

I can honestly say I don't understand why I freaked out so much before, especially knowing now how well everything went. I can't wait to get physical therapy started, and to get on my merry way and start to run again. It really feels good knowing the light is at the end of the tunnel.

Just My Luck

Dear Mother Nature,

Why on God's green (or soon to be white) Earth did you decided to schedule a snowstorm during my surgery? I'm not too thrilled. I know we have a love/hate relationship when it comes to your gloomy and grey winters, but could you cut it out? Let us compromise: How about you just dump what is supposed to be tomorrow, on us in January? I'll even let you double it? If you keep this up, I have a feeling we can't be friends much longer...

Sincerely,

Ash

____________________________________________________________________

(Ok, but seriously...that's just my luck. I'm not even kidding. And people are spazzing around here. French Toast Warning!)

I always joke I make the worst hockey fan. I hate winter. Well, not completely, but I would hate it completely if hockey season wasn't in winter.

Tomorrow's the (scheduled) day for knee surgery and depending upon who you ask, we're basically getting smacked with 2-9" of snow starting tonight, ending sometime tomorrow evening. I'm rather miffed. I just want to get through this surgery and start to heal. Get over my nerves, get knocked out, wake up, and be on my merry (but gimpy) way. To run again.

The hospital called earlier this morning stating we still are on for tomorrow, I should be at present no later than 6:30am, and a bunch of other fun stuff like no eating or drinking anything after midnight. (Side note: Yes, I will die of starvation.) Surgery is scheduled for 7:30am (a 1/2 hour earlier than the first scheduled 8am), just in time for what could shape up to be a rather craptastic Indiana-winter day.

(As if I wasn't freaked out enough about the surgery, of course Momma Nature had to flex her muscles.)

I'm trying really hard not to freak out, however I'm not the easiest when it comes to things like this. I don't like not being in control, even though I know I have one of the best (and highly, highly recommended) doctors in the area performing my surgery, and well, you can't control the weather. The storm will happen regardless. The surgery will only take 20 minutes (if that), and I know it will take me longer to conk out before and wake up after than the actual procedure. But I'm still uneasy...

I've done my research (thank God for Google), as well as surgery prep, doing my homework of watching animated videos of what is to be performed. It's easy peasy, and I was fine until the anesthesia portion mentioned 'death.' Now before you say it, yes, I know it's a risk and they're basically just covering their asses. But 'out of sight, out of mind,' is something I thrive on. If I don't know about it or realize it, it's probably for the better, especially when I'm rapidly turning into Anxiety Girl (my alter ego).

(Totally me. Just ask anyone who really knows me.)

Then came my favorite question when being interrogated asked about medical history pre-surgery this morning: "Do you have a DNR order (Do Not Resuscitate) or Living Will?"

Sigh. Just stop already. Let me sign the waivers and just get it over with.

Again: I know it's totally a routine procedure, and I'm pretty sure Dr. R could do it with his eyes closed. This is a total cakewalk for him, however the fact that I'm not in control, or I have to be knocked for a loop and eventually unconscious still gets my nerves going...

I'm really trying hard not to freak out. Suck it up, Ash. You can't run without it, and it's not like you've been here before. Well, sort of.

Also, the lovely French Toast Warning isn't helping me in the slightest. (Whoever coined that phrase, you're a genius. Had a good giggle this morning over it.) For those who aren't sure what I mean by French Toast Warning, you know when everyone goes out and buys bread, milk, and eggs before a winter storm? What will you make? French Toast? There ya go...

So, here's hoping all goes well/scheduled. I'm still waiting to hear final totals for snow, but of course living in Indiana, every Hoosier knows 14+ inches of snow means two, and 2+ inches of snow means 14. It can change on a whim, just as anything can with life. (Older Ash is still trying to learn to let go what younger Ash wants to hang on to.) I'll try really hard to quit freaking out. Promise, folks.

Bottom line: I want to run again. The only way to do that, is to just do it.

(So suck it up, Anxiety Girl! The Indy Mini training won't happen without it!) ;)

I'm Always Up For A Challenge

The holidays can be hard for someone like me; someone who watches their diet constantly, or tracks what they can. I have to. Because if I don't, the feast is on. I'm not saying I don't vary or "cheat" sometimes (though lately it's been all the time...), and I've been a bit of an anxious mess the past few days due to the amount of food I may or may not consume tomorrow. I'm going to try to track, but two meals at two different family get-togethers? Who am I kidding?!

I still haven't been brave enough to try to work out, adding in some form of daily activity, for fear of royally screwing up my knee pre-surgery (for seven weeks). But what I can control is my diet, and lately, that's not been too pretty. I'm trying to focus more on clean(er) eating, less sugar, the whole nine yards, but it's been difficult.

Timing is everything, and with December around the corner, I had thrown the idea around of attempting #NoChocolatesDecember again, however I couldn't tear into that KitKat bar fast enough on January 1, 2013. And I like chocolate. A lot. (...and I wouldn't suggest No Chocolates December again during the Christmas season if my life depended on it.) :)

When I say timing is everything, I pulled up Instagram a few afternoons ago, and noticed Brooke over at brookenotonadiet.com is gearing up for another round of #SkinnySnoman starting December 1. I didn't do it last year, but looking over how points are awarded, I need this right now!

PERFECT TIMING, Brooke!

You can check everything out over at her website, selecting the Skinny Snowman Challenge tab at the top of the page.

Apparently there is a grand prize too? I'll behave if I'm trying to win something. I'm highly competitive ;)

So what is the Skinny Snowman Challenge you ask?

Focusing on losing or maintaining weight, the challenge awards points for choosing a healthier lifestyle, including but not limited to things like drinking 64 oz. of water daily, eating three servings of fruits and three servings of vegetables daily, Meatless Monday (which I'm super excited to try), tracking what you consume, and adding in 30 minutes of exercise or activity daily. But what appears to be my early favorite, having nothing to do with food but everything to do with motivation, you can earn points for writing down five positives about your day. NO NEGATIVES. (Which I desperately need.)

For each item you complete daily, you earn points, and at the end, whoever has the most over a month-ish's time, wins a grand prize! Each week has a max of 450 points, with a max of 50 points over the month's time (so you don't kill yourself or exercise to death).

I love everything about this challenge, and like I said, it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Items earning points are something I mostly do on a daily basis anyway, however I want to be able to add exercise in again. I'm a little nervous I'll be behind the game with it, as I'm having the ever-fun knee surgery next week. It will come with time though.

I will try to update at the end of each week my points results, how well I did, what I want to work on, etc.

In the meantime, if you're interest, go sign up! It's super easy, and what have you got to lose? (Except for maybe a few pounds?)

My Happy Place

First of all, I hate it when I'm driving to work, thinking about the PERFECT blog post, even what it wants to say, sounds good in my mind, then sit down to actually write it and totally forget. That's me, folks.

I'm almost finished with this semester with the holidays fast-approach. (Can we get an amen?!) It's been a trying one; one I didn't think would really be that bad in the beginning. The course that I thought would totally suck doesn't (I'm carrying a 99%...for now...), and the class that I didn't think would suck (and it doesn't) but would be super-fun, has been my most trying. It's the course that focuses on what I want to do when I grow up, just in the business sense, not sports. But even with it being my most challenging, it's pushed me. I love the professor, and the class has been great, but it has honestly stressed me out to no end. (Which means I eat everything in sight. I'm a stress-eater AND a study-eater, so it's rough.)

Anyway, I'm getting off topic (per usual).

Happy Gilmore is still a movie that makes me laugh every time I watch it, one that never gets old. And last night during a thought process while chatting with a classmate who runs halfs (he's been running since high school; we discovered we have running in common, then the typical running conversation ensued). But during this conversation, I used the completely cheesy, "I've found my Happy Place," line, referencing Happy, to kind of describe my end result of (at least) where I'm at now from start to current.

(Ok, you can stop giggling now. It really is cheesy, I know.)

But I think I'm finally there. Or at least as happy as I've been for a while.

The last few posts I've made haven't been very positive, but I haven't been feeling very positive. It's ups and downs, and it's daily at times, however even with the downs with the ups, I still try to reflect on the journey as a whole, not just the day-in, day-out focus.

With the holidays approaching, I've also found myself reflecting on the past year quite a bit. It's been a huge change from January 1 until now. January 1, 2013 (just after midnight), I was fighting to open a Kit Kat chocolate bar after successfully completing No Chocolates December. (Who does that during Christmas?!) How I ever survived that, I'm still scratching my head. But I did. And it really boosted my confidence in my own personal will-power.

Weight loss journey-wise, I've dropped more pounds and inches, ultimately hitting my goal weight, and officially entering "maintenance." (One of the coolest me-to-me birthday presents I could ever give myself.)

 (This makes a three pound gain put into perspective. Fast. Down 31 since 11/22/2012.)

Professionally, I feel like I've been making strides, too. I got the promotion I had hoped for through my primary place of employment, and somehow found myself involved with an online radio show that mixes my two loves, racing and hockey, all through connections in Social Media. (Who knew?) But not only becoming involved with the show, I've become really good friends with the host/founder, as well as attended and reported on my first two events ever, one being at a track I consider the "Holy Grail." It's been nuts, but in a good way. I can honestly say I've been very blessed this year.

School has been school. I've had fits, but I've had triumphs, all the while eating garbage during late night study sessions. I still look at it as "feedback," and try to change for the next. But I still get hungry when I study. That won't change until I'm a graduate, but see the previous paragraph. I'm working towards my dreams, and I can't complain.

...and who would've thought I'd actually ever utter the words, "I love running!" I completed my first 5k before my scheduled 5k, which was all kinds of crazy all in itself. The training kept me disciplined and on plan, and I rapidly found a new love for something I've hated for 20-ish years. It served as such a great form of stress relief, and that I also found myself more at ease while able to eat that cookie or a "reward" without having to sweat it. (Well, I had to sweat FOR it.) And despite now having to face surgery most likely from pushing myself too hard, I'm really looking forward to the future, and what 2014 will hold. Recovery will suck, and yes, I'm may have to start Couch to 5k all over again just to make sure I don't injure myself further, but I'm already goal setting for 2014, running and fitness-wise. I have races on my mind, as well as potentially scratching a big one off of my bucket list. But, that's another post all in itself, one that I'm working on for later in December.

I found this quote the other day via Pinterest, and as a hockey fan, it seemed to sum up everything I've been thinking lately about regarding my future hopes, dreams, and goals:

Always, always have a goal, no matter how big or how small. It gives you something to work hard for. And the reward? The satisfaction of knowing you can do anything you put your mind to. :)


(And I'm saving the best for last: I can't thank Mr. K enough for all of the support he's given me throughout the year, and throughout the journey. He still may think I'm crazy and eating "hippie food," but I love him and he's never wavered his support of what makes me happy. I am truly grateful to have him in my life, and he will always be a main staple in my Happy Place.)

Confessing

I haven’t worked out in almost six weeks. Six freaking weeks…and I can’t stand it any longer.

Just remember, when I say no workout, I mean NOTHING. Not a thing. Hardly any activity and it’s really started to wear on me. This knee thing is a total buzzkill. And I’m a stressy-edgy-mentally-defeated mess; I won’t lie.

I’ve also lost all motivation. I’ve told myself I can’t do this anymore the past few weeks, but with school and other things going on, it’s been hard, and I still haven’t done anything.

Rewind to this weekend: cookies were in house. Cookies in my house are a bad, bad, bad thing. I’m kind of the person with my diet that if it’s out of sight, out of mind, I won’t eat it. I still struggle daily, but I’ve found meal pre-planning is one of the best things I’ve done, and learned how to better myself with during my weight loss journey. What’s even better? After two weeks, it became habit. When I’m tracking breakfast and packing my lunch to this day, dinner is entered ahead of time, (portions and all) and I stick to it. But with cookies in the house and me finding myself in holiday baking-marathon-stupors, crap is in my house. Sweets are in my house. And it’s not looking good.

Bottom line from this weekend? I gained three pounds.

I’m sure you’re asking, “Ash, you’ve lost 110. What the hell does three pounds matter?”

Well, the three pounds don’t. (Ok, who am I kidding? Yes, they do, and it pisses me off seeing the inflated number on the scale.) But I’m sure there is a bit of water weight included in those three pounds. I didn’t eat that many calories over my daily limit. It’s the non-activity.

I’m losing definition in my legs I saw with running consistently, my cardio for going up stairs sucks, and I just feel HUGE. Like, planet Earth, huge. 

Even after 110 pounds lost, I still have those days, but lately they’ve become all-to-frequent. I can’t escape them, but I can do something about them.

Since I am facing surgery, it’d probably be wise to start working out again, getting into the groove so that when I can move and can run again, that motivation is there, and it will be easy. At least I hope. (Duh, Ash. You should’ve thought about that weeks ago.) I’ve got less than three weeks until, and I’m losing ground each day I’m not doing something. I need to keep my leg muscles built to aid in rehab and therapy, which will also help me bounce back MUCH quicker. At least that’s the goal.

Since I haven’t done much, building the motivation and getting into the habit of working out regularly again will take a bit of grit, but I do have a plan! I’m not going to sit here and wallow in my misery while staring at fit people and plans on Pinterest when I could be up doing something. If I want to make a change for the better, I am the only one that can do that.

I’ve created a two-week on-paper journal of each day’s workout to pre-plan with. If it’s out there and already planned for, I tend to stick to it better, much like meal planning. I’ve got a few things I can do that are low impact and won’t affect my knee negatively pre-surgery. I can walk on the treadmill most days without pain, I just can’t run with impact. Also, yoga. I’ve wanted to stretch and become stronger, and Yoga is wonderful and virtually no impact. I’ve also looked into kettlebell or some weight training to tone, which I’ve wanted to do for a while anyway, but whatever I do, it’s got to be better than nothing. Nothing right now sucks!

So, starting Friday or Saturday, I will work to see what I can do to implement low-impact something into my regimen. It’s going to take work, but after two weeks, a new habit will form!

...and the verdict is?

Surgery. December 6. …and that’s okay! I’m actually a little more comfortable with the idea of surgery on my knee that at first thought, which surprises me. I actually think my husband is more concerned about it than I am. ;)

The doctor did a fabulous job explaining all that is to be done, why it’s going to be done, and what he will check for. (More on that later.) The doctor I’m seeing comes highly recommended not only by my chiropractor/referring doc, but family members who have also had surgery performed by him, which has helped with my comfort level. Everyone has said, “Oh, he’s great! You’ll like him!” And so far, I do. 

Going in to the appointment, I was certainly nervous as I really didn’t know what to expect. (I was also a little more than irritated as I didn’t see the doc for two hours, but he made up for it.)

I don’t want my running days to be over faster than they had started, but in order to run again pain-free without causing additional damage, I don’t have a choice. Surgery is the only answer since I’ve torn my Meniscus (cartilage), and cartilage doesn’t heal. It never will.

Seeing everyone else run, enjoying the cooler temperatures, and missing out on 5k’s I had previously planned for, it’s played with my mind. I’ll be honest; the past five weeks have been really difficult (i.e. hell) for me ever since I injured myself. I see where athletes say that sitting on the sidelines is one of the hardest things to do when they’re injured or recovering. It sucks. I’ve been grumpier and edgier than I have been than while I’ve ran, and I haven’t been able to do much of anything. Stairs hurt, walking excessively hurts, twisting/dancing/pivoting hurts. But some days are better than others. Yeah, I know, I can take pain meds, I get that. I guess you could say I’m being a bit of a martyr however I’m the type to just, “suck it up” when it’s really not that bad. This pain is only dull, but not something I couldn’t deal with.

 

(My knees via X-Ray. The doctor is pretty happy with the way they look. I imagined at that moment, "Hey, nice knees!" Worst...pickup line...ever. Gentlemen, don't use it. ...random, I know.)

During the appointment, I had X-rays completed to check the structures of my knees to make sure everything looks in place, in addition to the previous MRI, and that there weren’t any possible fractures or issues. (Yes, those are my knees. My torn cartilage is in the outside left knee, or right on the above picture, that’s affected.)

The doctor said, ‘everything will be super easy and I expect you running again in 4-6 weeks after the surgery since you’re in shape.”

“…you’re in shape.” That’s the first thing I heard. And internally, I laughed. Like full-on rolling-on-the-floor-dying laugh.

“HUH?! What?! Noooooooo….. Hahahaha! Pshhh, I’m not in shape. What are you talking about?”

Remember that blog post I made about changing my thinking? How I have to adjust to not thinking “75 lbs heavier?” (…now 110+, but who’s counting?)  You can read about that here. It’s the same with how I’m in shape now.

Wow… I’m in shape? I certainly don’t feel like it.

He mentioned with how built my leg muscles are still (he can see that in the MRI), as well as my age and the overall health that I am in, recovery will be a breeze. He even wants me off of crutches the next day. Oof.

Anyway, the second thing I heard in that statement, (after I had to catch my breath from internally laughing so hard) FOUR TO SIX WEEKS and I’ll be running again! My first thought was, “Oh, thank God for my husband,” and then it was, “Oh, thank God!” (And I’m really thanking Him at this point, because going into this all and not knowing what was happening, that I was just having pain, I didn’t know if I would run again. Silly Ashley, it can be fixed!)

What happens (or at least in my case) with torn cartilage - there is literally a tear. What is torn is rolling up, causing pain in my knee due to it catching underneath. It’s not laying in place as it should be. It sounds a lot worse than it really is, but I’ve been limping some on bad days. The good news? The surgery is only a 20 minute procedure. The doctor will go in and shave off/remove what’s torn while scoping my knee to check to make sure everything else is intact and okay.  

(Artist's still out on the rendering, but at least the doctor explains it in terms, or pictures, I can understand. That's supposed to be the cartilage in my knee.)

The dark spot above is kind of what’s torn and will be removed in my knee. After all is said and done, I’ll still have cartilage to pad the knee of impact, and once the soreness wears off and starts to heal, back to running. (A-freaking-men.)

The doctor is somewhat concerned, however, with wear and tear on my knees, mostly due to years of being heavier, not impact from running. The scope is there to check to make sure that wear on the actual bone is still okay. He seems to think at most my knees may be that of a 40-year-old’s more so than late-20’s due to the pressure I was placing on my knees from the extra weight I was carrying around. 

(Humorous side note: The doctor was trying to beat around the bush about me “being heavier,” and was being sensitive towards “those days,” and it made me chuckle. I know some folks are a little more sensitive about “heavier days,” but I’m not. I just basically said, “Yes, I was heavier. But I chose to lead a new lifestyle, one that through this change, I can be healthy and hopefully live for more years to come. It happened, but it’s time to move on!” You can read about why I came to the decision here in my very first blog post.)

As I said previously, recovery is four to six weeks, and I’ll be running again once he clears me, WHICH IS AWESOME. What’s even more awesome? I’ll pretty much be walking (somewhat pain free) the day after surgery. There may be some soreness and swelling for up to six weeks after, but he fully expects me to be off of crutches within that first day after, and back to work on Monday. How cool is that?! (Of course, that’s if everything goes according to plan. …and that’s what I’m praying for.)

The doctor made mentioned he performed the same surgery on one of his colleagues in the office, and ultimately, he ran a half-marathon three weeks later. (Disclaimer: I WILL NOT RUN A HALF THREE WEEKS LATER.) I will not even run outside, much less resume the amount of mileage I was normally running each week three weeks later. My plan is to basically start from the beginning of Couch to 5k via treadmill to gauge where I am at physically post-surgery. I know I have lost some fitness in the previous weeks of inactivity, so I will have to build that back up with time. And I will also track the 10% rule. (I learned my lesson folks.)

But not all is lost… 

I’ve decided once everything is back to normal, and I resume running again, that I will shoot to complete the Indianapolis Mini Marathon in May, one item that still remains on my bucket list. I didn’t say I will run the entire 13ish miles, more like run/walk, but the ultimate goal is to complete the half.

I want to. For me. To show myself I can do something I set my mind to, even with stumbling blocks amongst the path, it can be done if I put my mind to it.

It will happen. It may not happen at the pace or activity level my competitive spirit wants it to be, but I will complete it.

So that’s my goal. Now to just get through surgery...

Waiting Game

Ever just have that Jeopardy theme pop into your head when you’re awaiting something? No? Just me? Gotcha.

Anywho; I received a phone call for a referral. I’m getting an MRI on my knee tomorrow, and I couldn’t be more nervous. 

I’m pretty sure it’s an open-sided one, as I’m not the greatest with tight spaces. (Luckily, it’s only my knee, and I’m praying that they just put me in up to my waist. Nothing more. I can’t do the whole arms-glued-to-my-side thing. 

The MRI is hoping to show whether or not I tore cartilage, though judging by my limp down stairs last night and the pain I have today (after thinking, “I got this,”), how bad the said tear could be, or if it’s something entirely different. I’m hoping it’s nothing too major, as I really don’t want to have surgery, but at this point, something needs to be done, even if it’s the MRI to make sure what’s what is what’s what.

UGH.

I’m honestly ready for this to just be over, even if the journey to recovery is just beginning. 

I honestly hate not being able to run. After attempting it the other night and having almost instant pain after taking off, I’ve been a ball of nerves, and quite frankly, just plain pissed off. I’m competitive by nature, and I was just starting to catch my stride, but I pushed myself too far, something I tend to do often thinking I’m Superwoman. I didn’t follow the 10% rule, but I know now, that hopefully when this is over, I know better for next time, if I get that chance.

I haven’t had much activity, if any, over the past four weeks. I haven’t really checked out any low-impact options. I’m hoping to check out kettlebells this weekend as a toning opportunity, a result from a family member who’s mentioned she loves using them recently. I’ve also thought about getting back into yoga, something to help stretch and strengthen with as well as distress doing.

I’ve got to do something because being stationary is driving me mad. I’m just afraid I will aggravate my knee even more, especially after limping around most of the day today.

Tomorrow’s test will tell, though I won’t know anything for maybe another week or so. I’m just hoping this doesn’t sideline me too long, though I consider myself a runner listed on IR.

Runner. Yeah, I am injured and currently not “running,” but I kind of like the sound of it! That wouldn’t have happened over a year ago :)

Until then, I’ll push on. My goal for this next week is to feel out something new or something that I haven’t done in a while. I also want to check out the gym at my college, as they have a stationary bike, rowing machine, and elliptical available, that I can easily walk to after work each night. All are low impact alternatives, something that I need to build up cardio again.

My fingers are crossed that this doesn’t derail my plans for the Mini next year, as that’s my biggest fear, but I’m trying to look at it glass half-full: Not derail, but delay. Just a minor speed bump in the grand scheme of things.

Until then… Push on. :)