Hearing 'No'

It stinks, I'll admit it. No one wants to hear 'no,' but at times, one must persevere. Press on. Don't look back.

Remember when I submitted my weight loss story to Shape Magazine for consideration of participation in a roundtable discussion with other women who've lost more than 100 pounds? You can read about the initial contact here.

I hadn't typed out or wrote down my feelings regarding a follow up I received because honestly, I wasn't sure how to feel.

Rejection stinks. Even if I've come this far. But I'm not bitter, not mad, not really anything. Now, I'm just kind of feeling, "Oh, well." Onward!

Recently, a few weeks ago (yes, I've been sitting on it for this long), I finally heard an update after a back-and-forth digital conversation with an editor of the magazine, that my weight loss story wasn't chosen for an upcoming roundtable discussion.

I would be lying if I said it didn't take the "wind from my sails." It stinks a bit, and I (unfortunately) let my mind wander to where my hopes were up, one thing I regret and wish I didn't do. But ultimately, that's who I am. I'm a person who hopes for the best possible outcome, while worrying obsessively preparing for the absolute worst. But, in addition, I'm also someone who looks for the positivity in everything, a "silver lining," if you will, regardless of outcome.

Sure, it would've been kind of cool, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Though it stinks, what surprised me in the days following was that I didn't consume myself with negative thoughts or "eating my feelings." In the past, I would've medicated my sorrow with everything sweet, looking for a way to ease the discomfort and rejection, ultimately making things a bit more uncomfortable by way of my waistline. Instead, I channeled what I felt in to my 10K and strength training - allowing me to "burn" my emotions instead of eating them. What a change (and relief) that was!

It felt good. It was a "Non Scale Victory" in my book - one that I'm glad I didn't let rule me for too long.

The outpouring of support after helped as well. Seeing the Facebook posts of support from friends, those that say I've inspired them, that was cool. It was refreshing, and a bit humbling. To those who have, thank you. (I can't ever say that enough!)

But as Mr. K reminded me, I didn't do this for recognition. (Which is very, very true. Something I guess I lost focus on?) And this isn't the end of the world, either. I'm not "depending" on it.

Yeah, it would've been kind of cool to see my story out there, but that's not why I started this journey. I started it for my own health and well-being. To have kids some day. So I live to see 80. So I live to see my niece and nephew grow up, graduate, and raise a family of their own (and hopefully someday - see an unborn child of my own follow those steps, though not right now).

Sure, there have been some side-benefits of my weight loss I hadn't expected: self-esteem, a needed confidence boost, inner- and outer-strength I never thought I had (or would have developed), a bit of kick in the pants mental-toughness (thank you, Mini Marathon), and the fact that I've grown comfortable with who I am while discovering someone "different" under all of those pounds shed. It's bittersweet, this news, but - this too shall pass.

Of course, I'm still dealing with a bit of weight gain, and the timing wasn't exactly the greatest. The weight gain has been somewhat aggravating, but at the same time, I'm starting to see that it may be a "good gain." I'm starting to see muscles. :)

I've recently discovered I have a bicep. I'll spare you the picture of my "guns," but it's fun to see definition show up in a mirror, and that I notice it! I'm kind of getting a little enjoyment out of it, as I've mentioned before, I don't typically notice the weight loss or definition gains, as I see myself everyday. But.... I. Have. A. Bicep. I've also started noticing my obliques are appearing. (Those are both new concepts!)

While I see the weight creeping up on the scale (six pounds in total), my measurements haven't increased (they haven't decreased either), and my pants are still fitting fine (depending on the brand/pair). For me, that's a concept I'm still struggling with accepting, as a number on the scale has defined my journey over physical/muscular gains. It's something I'm working on. Again - work in progress ;)

In addition to strength training, I'm in the next to last week of 10K training. (Woohoo!) Though I'm reaching the point I'm a bit over "training" and having discipline/burnout struggles, I'm excited to see where this 10K will take me. I'm running in the ISC Corporate Challenge again this year for my employer, opting for the 10K run over a 5K run and walk. The ISC Corporate Challenge has also changed venues, one that I've had the lovely pleasure of running twice before, once during my half marathon. (Hint, hint!)

The goals I have for the challenge are simple: enjoy the scenery (duh!), and beat my previous 10K time of 1:11:57 (or 11:18/mile). Easy, right? Meh - we'll see. Both were during cooler "weathered" events, and it might be a bit interesting. What else may be interesting? I'm not sure if the run is before or after (if I'm chosen for the team - still pending) I pit an Indy Car.

We'll leave the ISC Corporate Challenge at that... For now... ;)

In additition to the ISC Corporate Challenge, I hope to continue my City By Shoes series, this time in Asheville, NC! The hubby and I (my better half, Mr. K!) are planning to travel some time soon to the mountains for our (holy schmoly where did time go?!) 5 year anniversary, and we're both looking for a needed-getaway. Of course I'm planning to pack my running shoes, as the resort we are staying at not only offers a health spa/fitness center that appears to be wonderful, but also a "mountainous" trail for guests. But what I'm most excited about? The city is active-friendly, and there are sidewalks abound all the way in to downtown from our resort! Yay! No road running! (For those runners who may freak reading this, I live in the sticks. Running on a country road is normal. Don't fret!)

...and to help boost my mood (trust me, it has been much-needed), I decided to sign up for the 100 days of Happy Challenge, and you should too! So far, I've made it to Day 2, but what's eerie (or just another message from God?) is that my 100 days ends....on Christmas. How cool is that? You can follow my #100DaysofHappy challenge on my Instagram page: instagram.com/AshleyK199.

If you join in, post your information in the comment section below! I'd love to follow your 100 Days of Happy too! :)

Zero Is Not a Size

I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA as of late, but this blog post will take a lot out of me. It delves into some long-time emotions I’ve had since childhood that I only share with those I truly trust. Only those closest to me and around me really know what I’ve been through, but maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to discuss it openly. But that’s not what this blog post is about. This post is about some comments recently made by Chanel’s head designer and creative director, Karl Lagerfeld.

Allow me to climb up onto my soapbox:

Let me first preface this by saying I’ve been a long-time fan of fashion. I’ve been through the label-hog stage of life, and I truly love Chanel, Coach, and fashion in general. What girl doesn’t? But it disturbs me tremendously after reading comments made by Mr. Lagerfeld this morning in a story posted on MSN. In case you missed it, here’s his quote regarding singer Adele:

"The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.”

I am truly disappointed with Karl Lagerfeld, as this isn’t the first time he’s given such a horrible back-handed “compliment” to a famous female. I absolutely love Adele. She is gorgeous, fashionable, and extremely talented. She, in no way, deserves a comment like this, though I understand everyone has a critic. I also understand the fashion industry is rife with stick-thin models with ribs bones poking out all over their bodies, but is this the message you want to send to your children? (Critique much, Ashley?)

Girls everywhere go through enough pressures in high school: to be academically superior, to get into a great university, to worry if they made Varsity whatever, who they’re seen with at the prom, what clique they belong to, the newest fashion and brands of the moment, etc. I had tough times in high school, and it was extremely painful. I have a tremendous amount of emotional scars because of it, but it’s made me stronger.

But, in my personal opinion, and I’m sure other women and girls, there is nothing worse than being referred to as “fat.”

Adele is a gorgeous girl, and I will say it again: an amazingly talented singer. Absolutely by far, one of the best my generation has seen or heard. So why in the world would Mr. Lagerfeld target her and call her “fat,” I’ll never understand it. She has more talent in her left pinky than he will have in a lifetime. Yes, he’s paved the way in the fashion world, and set a tremendous amount of trends, but I have yet to see him use a size 8 model in any of his runway shows. Hell, Marilyn Monroe was a size 16! She is one of the most iconic figures worldwide, and was gorgeous as ever and yet Mr. Lagerfeld chooses the girl who most likely battles some type of eating disorder that puts her body through hell, just so she can star in his next show, not set an example for women and girls who need a role model or someone to look up to.

I’ve been through these pressures that teenage girls face everywhere. I will never forget the time when my father took me to a grocery store while visiting another blonde-haired, well “endowed,” skinny girlfriend of his in Ohio and stating to me, “I’d like to show you around the grocery aisles. You really need to start eating a little better.” I was 15. At 15, I read between the lines. I felt like he didn’t want to be spotted with his “fat” daughter.

I understand healthy eating now, and what I should have been doing diet-wise, but I was NOT by any means overweight or fat, and at 15 that’s the way it was implied. I was involved with Color Guard and Winter Guard year round for 6 solid years. My season never really ended, we just took breaks. I admit I wasn’t the most athletically inclined, and I’m still not, but practicing 3 times a week with contests and shows year round for that amount of time, I was able to maintain my weight just fine. I’m sure I could have melted the pudge away if I did eat healthier, but I was just fine with the way I was. I was mostly happy. I wasn’t the skinniest girl in high school, and I am not now, nor will I ever be, but to a 15 year old girl, what message does that send?

Body image is everything these days. I’ll admit I still deal with it horribly, more than someone somewhat unfamiliar to me would ever know. But when I began this weight loss journey, the first commitment I made to myself was to be “healthy,” not “skinny.” What spurred, or at least helped give me the motivation, were days I’d leave several department stores in tears because I couldn’t find something cute, stylish, or comfortable to wear. It was always the elastic pants in the (pardon me for lack of better terms) Old Lady section of the store, never the cute, brand-name destructed jeans or the cute, flirty top I saw in magazines and on posters or advertisements. Things my Oma would wear, not me.

I’ll never forget One Tree Hill’s episode in which Brooke Davis hosted a fashion show for a new line with her “Clothes over Bros” company (and I can’t believe I’m using this in my blog. Serious research, huh?) Millie, her assistant, modeled a gorgeous, fashionable shirt that said “Zero is not a size” to close out the show. I firmly believe this, and I hope Mr. Lagerfeld one day realizes this, though I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ve heard of these types of comments from him or others in the fashion world for that matter. It’s very unfortunate and close-minded. But I firmly believe there needs to be more education and information out in the world regarding eating disorders, confidence, and self-esteem issues that young girls face every day, and it needs to be more prevalent in their lives.

I’ve been there, and I certainly know the feelings all too well. Someone needs to be an advocate. Someone needs to step up.

Because I firmly believe, “Zero is not a size.”