Hearing 'No'

It stinks, I'll admit it. No one wants to hear 'no,' but at times, one must persevere. Press on. Don't look back.

Remember when I submitted my weight loss story to Shape Magazine for consideration of participation in a roundtable discussion with other women who've lost more than 100 pounds? You can read about the initial contact here.

I hadn't typed out or wrote down my feelings regarding a follow up I received because honestly, I wasn't sure how to feel.

Rejection stinks. Even if I've come this far. But I'm not bitter, not mad, not really anything. Now, I'm just kind of feeling, "Oh, well." Onward!

Recently, a few weeks ago (yes, I've been sitting on it for this long), I finally heard an update after a back-and-forth digital conversation with an editor of the magazine, that my weight loss story wasn't chosen for an upcoming roundtable discussion.

I would be lying if I said it didn't take the "wind from my sails." It stinks a bit, and I (unfortunately) let my mind wander to where my hopes were up, one thing I regret and wish I didn't do. But ultimately, that's who I am. I'm a person who hopes for the best possible outcome, while worrying obsessively preparing for the absolute worst. But, in addition, I'm also someone who looks for the positivity in everything, a "silver lining," if you will, regardless of outcome.

Sure, it would've been kind of cool, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Though it stinks, what surprised me in the days following was that I didn't consume myself with negative thoughts or "eating my feelings." In the past, I would've medicated my sorrow with everything sweet, looking for a way to ease the discomfort and rejection, ultimately making things a bit more uncomfortable by way of my waistline. Instead, I channeled what I felt in to my 10K and strength training - allowing me to "burn" my emotions instead of eating them. What a change (and relief) that was!

It felt good. It was a "Non Scale Victory" in my book - one that I'm glad I didn't let rule me for too long.

The outpouring of support after helped as well. Seeing the Facebook posts of support from friends, those that say I've inspired them, that was cool. It was refreshing, and a bit humbling. To those who have, thank you. (I can't ever say that enough!)

But as Mr. K reminded me, I didn't do this for recognition. (Which is very, very true. Something I guess I lost focus on?) And this isn't the end of the world, either. I'm not "depending" on it.

Yeah, it would've been kind of cool to see my story out there, but that's not why I started this journey. I started it for my own health and well-being. To have kids some day. So I live to see 80. So I live to see my niece and nephew grow up, graduate, and raise a family of their own (and hopefully someday - see an unborn child of my own follow those steps, though not right now).

Sure, there have been some side-benefits of my weight loss I hadn't expected: self-esteem, a needed confidence boost, inner- and outer-strength I never thought I had (or would have developed), a bit of kick in the pants mental-toughness (thank you, Mini Marathon), and the fact that I've grown comfortable with who I am while discovering someone "different" under all of those pounds shed. It's bittersweet, this news, but - this too shall pass.

Of course, I'm still dealing with a bit of weight gain, and the timing wasn't exactly the greatest. The weight gain has been somewhat aggravating, but at the same time, I'm starting to see that it may be a "good gain." I'm starting to see muscles. :)

I've recently discovered I have a bicep. I'll spare you the picture of my "guns," but it's fun to see definition show up in a mirror, and that I notice it! I'm kind of getting a little enjoyment out of it, as I've mentioned before, I don't typically notice the weight loss or definition gains, as I see myself everyday. But.... I. Have. A. Bicep. I've also started noticing my obliques are appearing. (Those are both new concepts!)

While I see the weight creeping up on the scale (six pounds in total), my measurements haven't increased (they haven't decreased either), and my pants are still fitting fine (depending on the brand/pair). For me, that's a concept I'm still struggling with accepting, as a number on the scale has defined my journey over physical/muscular gains. It's something I'm working on. Again - work in progress ;)

In addition to strength training, I'm in the next to last week of 10K training. (Woohoo!) Though I'm reaching the point I'm a bit over "training" and having discipline/burnout struggles, I'm excited to see where this 10K will take me. I'm running in the ISC Corporate Challenge again this year for my employer, opting for the 10K run over a 5K run and walk. The ISC Corporate Challenge has also changed venues, one that I've had the lovely pleasure of running twice before, once during my half marathon. (Hint, hint!)

The goals I have for the challenge are simple: enjoy the scenery (duh!), and beat my previous 10K time of 1:11:57 (or 11:18/mile). Easy, right? Meh - we'll see. Both were during cooler "weathered" events, and it might be a bit interesting. What else may be interesting? I'm not sure if the run is before or after (if I'm chosen for the team - still pending) I pit an Indy Car.

We'll leave the ISC Corporate Challenge at that... For now... ;)

In additition to the ISC Corporate Challenge, I hope to continue my City By Shoes series, this time in Asheville, NC! The hubby and I (my better half, Mr. K!) are planning to travel some time soon to the mountains for our (holy schmoly where did time go?!) 5 year anniversary, and we're both looking for a needed-getaway. Of course I'm planning to pack my running shoes, as the resort we are staying at not only offers a health spa/fitness center that appears to be wonderful, but also a "mountainous" trail for guests. But what I'm most excited about? The city is active-friendly, and there are sidewalks abound all the way in to downtown from our resort! Yay! No road running! (For those runners who may freak reading this, I live in the sticks. Running on a country road is normal. Don't fret!)

...and to help boost my mood (trust me, it has been much-needed), I decided to sign up for the 100 days of Happy Challenge, and you should too! So far, I've made it to Day 2, but what's eerie (or just another message from God?) is that my 100 days ends....on Christmas. How cool is that? You can follow my #100DaysofHappy challenge on my Instagram page: instagram.com/AshleyK199.

If you join in, post your information in the comment section below! I'd love to follow your 100 Days of Happy too! :)

22 Days and Counting

I seriously could puke right now.

Today's the day those running the 500 Festival Mini Marathon received their confirmation information, wave/seeding info, and bib numbers for the event, along with a participation guide.

...apparently, they are okay with me running. That's good to know?

I'm in the last (5th) wave, starting at 8:45am, and hopefully crossing the finish line no later than noon-ish, I hope. (Just in time for beer and a lunch. Ha!)

To be honest - I'm really, really nervous. It's my first half marathon, so I expected some nerves, but am I ready? No. Absolutely not. (Hell no would actually be more of a proper response.) My training has hit a wall, I'm getting burnt out, and my foot still hasn't fully healed, while I've also not been "officially" cleared to run from the doctor just yet, with 22 days to go. (Um, yeah?)

I should really quit complaining, right?

Honestly, I have the worst gut-feeling this is going to be bad, awful, or just plain embarrassing. I'm not happy with my training, I'm not happy with not running, and I'm supposed to be running 11 miles this weekend.

Am I being to hard on myself? Yeah, probably, and I should just shove everything aside and enjoy the moment. I'm not sure what happened to the girl who just wanted to stay off the (18 min/mile) trail bus, not die, and cross the finish line healthy and happy. Screw time! Nothing wrong with that at all.

(But Competitive-Ashley isn't thinking that way. She needs to shut it, right?!)

I honestly think I've let me competitiveness get the best of me, which has burnt me out quickly while also filling my thoughts with negative and toxic worries. So my goal for the next 22 days? Not care.

Be happy. Take it all in. Enjoy it. Learn from it. Don't die. Listen to the bagpipers while I enter Indianapolis Motor Speedway for my lap around the track and smooch of the famed bricks (thanks for the tip, Dave!). And smile when you cross the finish line.

“Much of what we consider valuable in our world arises out of (these) one-sided conflicts. Because the act of facing overwhelming odds, produces greatness and beauty.”

― Malcolm Gladwell, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants

 

Blogger's Note: I'll have more details in the coming days; a race preview of the Mini. And hopefully by then a not so, "woe-as-me" post. Negative Ashley can take a hike and never come back. ;)

Confessions of an Ungirlie Girl

My boss says I look fabulous, but I'm just not feeling it today. It's not for a lack of trying, though.

I swear there's a dark side to being a "girlie" girl.

And I fail. Everytime.

Today is "picture day" for work, at least us "in action," with maybe a group shot or two. We were told to dress up by my wonderful (she really is) supervisor today, or at least business casual, but when you drop "picture" in there, I'm going to try too hard. Way too hard. I assume these pictures are for a marketing campaign of sorts, as we're gearing up for the launch of our new department at work after receiving my promotion to a new position in September, so I want to rock it. (Not going to lie, I do. And I wouldn't mind a great weight loss/professional picture I could use in the process. It's not too often you'll catch me "dressed up.")

But regardless of pictures or a promotion, I'm trying to embrace this new "girl" thing overall, after dropping weight and hitting goal.

Bottom line? I suck at being a girl.

With my weight loss, I'm trying to be a bit more girlie, in addition to dressing more my weight. My friend "R" forced persuaded me to buy a sweater-dress a few seasons ago after losing 75 pounds, on one of our shopping trips. It seemed to be the only comfortable "dress" I'd wear at the time and it took a bit of a push to get me in it, but I'm pretty sure she had an evil plan to get me to look like a girl all along. At least that's what I thought when she rubbed her hands together saying, "Muahahaha." (Kidding! Sort of... She succeeded though.) But who knew I'd like wearing them now, since the legging trend is in? I actually don't mind it now. (Side note/true story: I wore shorts under my wedding dress the day I  married Mr. K, I hated dresses that much. I couldn't wait to get out of it and back into jeans and race tee.)

But let's bring it back to today. Yesterday, I received a new pair of work shoes, courtesy of Kohl's and FedEx, but I'm not exactly seasoned in sporting pumps. Ok, well, they're not really pumps, more of a loafer-chunky-heel, but I fell in love with them on the website, thought they'd be super cute, and bought them. (I didn't think about the whole not-a-bootie, there's no strap around the ankle kind-of-thing. Oops.) I've tried to sport pumps for a wedding before, but ask "R" about our trip to DSW for nude-colored pumps... I went home with nude-colored flats instead.

Anyway, I figured today would be the perfect day to sport my new loafer-heels to work, because I'm slightly obsessed excited about them, and like picture day in elementary school, I want to look my best. As soon as I slipped them on to walk across my kitchen however, curse words flew out of my mouth. As a hockey fan (and just me in general), I have no filter towards cursing when I'm away from work.

...and I could easily handle hockey skates better than these things on my feet today.

...but in my quest for total girlieness today, I'm still adjusting to my shorter hair when it comes to curling irons and I now have a burnt forehead, in addition to walking like a newborn deer. Add in the fact my cute blazer I've been wanting to wear forever since I scored it on clearance is "Dry Clean Only," (let's just say I sweat. I'll probably forget to pick it up at the cleaners after taking it to have it cleaned,) girlieness isn't exactly what I'm feeling today.

But, as much as my hair, outfit, and shoes are driving me crazy, today's going to happen anyway. So I might as well rock it while I can.

Carpe Diem, right?

 Here's my outfit I'm attempting to rock today...
(Shoutout and thank you to favorite coworker Pam for nabbing this picture for me!)

Carpe diem Thursday, folks! :)

Scary Thoughts

As I’m sitting here writing this blog, currently it’s -11 deg. F. It’s brutal-cold. I don’t plan to go outside at all today if I can help it, though I’m scheduled to run my second run of the second week of Couch to 5K (again). Since it’s a snow day from work, I figure an update is in order, among several other things I have planned, like learning how to arm-knit. Seriously.

However, I’ve had some rather scary thoughts over the past few days.

You could say I love to travel. I’m a pilot’s daughter. I have the travel-bug, the need to explore. I’m the type of person to either, A.) Have a scheduled sightseeing tour down the second when being touristy, or B.) Set out (most likely on my own) and just wander aimlessly, taking in a city by foot, people-watching and trying to blend in as best as this Hoosier can, while getting lost and submersing myself into a new culture. This year, I have what could be the best opportunity to travel several places in 2014; by far being the most I’ve traveled in one summer since graduating college. I’m hoping, among a few races with an internship possibility, a few races and road trip to Central PA, and a trip to Boston to visit a now close-friend (who I still wish didn’t move, but I understand...), it could be a rather cool 2014! (At least I hope…)

But then my mom dropped what I’ve wanted to hear a week or so ago when having a mother/daughter lunch: Cruise to the Bahamas.

Um, yes please?!

It’s currently -11F and dropping in Indiana; meanwhile it’s a balmy 73F in Nassau. Do we really have to wait until May?!

I’ve been on the cruise before, my last being just shy of my 21^st birthday. Yes, it’s the Disney Cruise, but my mom and I both had a blast. Can we say, Serenity Bay? (Adults ONLY beach: Hell. Yes.)

Anyway, my first thought wasn’t, “Oh, I LOVE Nassau!” It was, “Oh, God. Should I buy a bikini?”

Which then ensues panic.

Sheer. Panic.

You see, it’s always been my dream, or kind of a ‘bucket list’ item, to actually be able to pull one off, though the pure thought of actually wearing one freaks me out. I’m too modest, but I want to do it. Just once to say I have. (But NO PICTURES ALLOWED.)

The only thought getting me through is that most folks on the boat with me, won’t see me again. Right?

I have about 4 or 5 months to get ready, and I’m running again, while also adding in kettlebell and weight training that I haven’t done before. I’m not going to be ripped by May or June, but I don’t want to jiggle everywhere. Seriously. That's how I feel...

As part of 2014’s resolution goal, I want to be able to embrace myself, my body, and get rid of all of the negative thoughts I have on a regular basis. You know, the “who cares if I have loose skin and stretch marks?” To be able to love myself wholly, and to not pick myself apart regarding imperfections. Rather, to embrace them.

But I’m incredibly self-conscious about everything. I hate the stretch marks I have. I hate the jiggle, the loose skin and wrinkles I have even if I’m doing ab work to the point laughing hurts.

…and yes, I know with time, it could go away. I can already see my obliques smoothing out which is kind of cool. While I was running pre-surgery, my legs started to take the shape of Carrie Underwood’s. (And seriously, she’s my fitness idol, I’m not going to lie. I love her, and her dedication to her fitness and health.)

I’m not the most patient person. If anything, we learned that post-op, didn’t we? But I think that’s also why I look at the scale too much, not measurements and definition, which is what I should focus upon now as I shift to maintenance instead of weight loss. Let’s face it, it’s the instant-gratification world I live in that is driving it. (I know that.)

But in the meantime, while stressing thinking of beach weather and bikinis, I’m throwing around options. There’s the midkini (which is apparently a thing) that rides a bit lower from the bust, and a little higher around the waist (perrrrrfect option for my conscious). There’s the tankini, which is also two-piece, with a tank top covering most of the stomach area. The one I really want though, found via Pinterest, is a lace covered one piece, in the style of a bikini, but the lace covers the midriff area. Only problem? $130. (I croaked.)

Whenever I find one, which it’s still going to be a while, I’ll share, but it won’t be me wearing it in the picture. I'm not the person who lifts their shirt for selfies of their abs. I’m too modest and uncomfortable with the thought, even if I am in shape. It makes me shudder just thinking of showing off my stomach, let alone anything else in open air, and God forbid, public...on a beach.

Oof. I have a long way to go, don’t I?

 

My Happy Place

First of all, I hate it when I'm driving to work, thinking about the PERFECT blog post, even what it wants to say, sounds good in my mind, then sit down to actually write it and totally forget. That's me, folks.

I'm almost finished with this semester with the holidays fast-approach. (Can we get an amen?!) It's been a trying one; one I didn't think would really be that bad in the beginning. The course that I thought would totally suck doesn't (I'm carrying a 99%...for now...), and the class that I didn't think would suck (and it doesn't) but would be super-fun, has been my most trying. It's the course that focuses on what I want to do when I grow up, just in the business sense, not sports. But even with it being my most challenging, it's pushed me. I love the professor, and the class has been great, but it has honestly stressed me out to no end. (Which means I eat everything in sight. I'm a stress-eater AND a study-eater, so it's rough.)

Anyway, I'm getting off topic (per usual).

Happy Gilmore is still a movie that makes me laugh every time I watch it, one that never gets old. And last night during a thought process while chatting with a classmate who runs halfs (he's been running since high school; we discovered we have running in common, then the typical running conversation ensued). But during this conversation, I used the completely cheesy, "I've found my Happy Place," line, referencing Happy, to kind of describe my end result of (at least) where I'm at now from start to current.

(Ok, you can stop giggling now. It really is cheesy, I know.)

But I think I'm finally there. Or at least as happy as I've been for a while.

The last few posts I've made haven't been very positive, but I haven't been feeling very positive. It's ups and downs, and it's daily at times, however even with the downs with the ups, I still try to reflect on the journey as a whole, not just the day-in, day-out focus.

With the holidays approaching, I've also found myself reflecting on the past year quite a bit. It's been a huge change from January 1 until now. January 1, 2013 (just after midnight), I was fighting to open a Kit Kat chocolate bar after successfully completing No Chocolates December. (Who does that during Christmas?!) How I ever survived that, I'm still scratching my head. But I did. And it really boosted my confidence in my own personal will-power.

Weight loss journey-wise, I've dropped more pounds and inches, ultimately hitting my goal weight, and officially entering "maintenance." (One of the coolest me-to-me birthday presents I could ever give myself.)

 (This makes a three pound gain put into perspective. Fast. Down 31 since 11/22/2012.)

Professionally, I feel like I've been making strides, too. I got the promotion I had hoped for through my primary place of employment, and somehow found myself involved with an online radio show that mixes my two loves, racing and hockey, all through connections in Social Media. (Who knew?) But not only becoming involved with the show, I've become really good friends with the host/founder, as well as attended and reported on my first two events ever, one being at a track I consider the "Holy Grail." It's been nuts, but in a good way. I can honestly say I've been very blessed this year.

School has been school. I've had fits, but I've had triumphs, all the while eating garbage during late night study sessions. I still look at it as "feedback," and try to change for the next. But I still get hungry when I study. That won't change until I'm a graduate, but see the previous paragraph. I'm working towards my dreams, and I can't complain.

...and who would've thought I'd actually ever utter the words, "I love running!" I completed my first 5k before my scheduled 5k, which was all kinds of crazy all in itself. The training kept me disciplined and on plan, and I rapidly found a new love for something I've hated for 20-ish years. It served as such a great form of stress relief, and that I also found myself more at ease while able to eat that cookie or a "reward" without having to sweat it. (Well, I had to sweat FOR it.) And despite now having to face surgery most likely from pushing myself too hard, I'm really looking forward to the future, and what 2014 will hold. Recovery will suck, and yes, I'm may have to start Couch to 5k all over again just to make sure I don't injure myself further, but I'm already goal setting for 2014, running and fitness-wise. I have races on my mind, as well as potentially scratching a big one off of my bucket list. But, that's another post all in itself, one that I'm working on for later in December.

I found this quote the other day via Pinterest, and as a hockey fan, it seemed to sum up everything I've been thinking lately about regarding my future hopes, dreams, and goals:

Always, always have a goal, no matter how big or how small. It gives you something to work hard for. And the reward? The satisfaction of knowing you can do anything you put your mind to. :)


(And I'm saving the best for last: I can't thank Mr. K enough for all of the support he's given me throughout the year, and throughout the journey. He still may think I'm crazy and eating "hippie food," but I love him and he's never wavered his support of what makes me happy. I am truly grateful to have him in my life, and he will always be a main staple in my Happy Place.)