Hearing 'No'

It stinks, I'll admit it. No one wants to hear 'no,' but at times, one must persevere. Press on. Don't look back.

Remember when I submitted my weight loss story to Shape Magazine for consideration of participation in a roundtable discussion with other women who've lost more than 100 pounds? You can read about the initial contact here.

I hadn't typed out or wrote down my feelings regarding a follow up I received because honestly, I wasn't sure how to feel.

Rejection stinks. Even if I've come this far. But I'm not bitter, not mad, not really anything. Now, I'm just kind of feeling, "Oh, well." Onward!

Recently, a few weeks ago (yes, I've been sitting on it for this long), I finally heard an update after a back-and-forth digital conversation with an editor of the magazine, that my weight loss story wasn't chosen for an upcoming roundtable discussion.

I would be lying if I said it didn't take the "wind from my sails." It stinks a bit, and I (unfortunately) let my mind wander to where my hopes were up, one thing I regret and wish I didn't do. But ultimately, that's who I am. I'm a person who hopes for the best possible outcome, while worrying obsessively preparing for the absolute worst. But, in addition, I'm also someone who looks for the positivity in everything, a "silver lining," if you will, regardless of outcome.

Sure, it would've been kind of cool, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Though it stinks, what surprised me in the days following was that I didn't consume myself with negative thoughts or "eating my feelings." In the past, I would've medicated my sorrow with everything sweet, looking for a way to ease the discomfort and rejection, ultimately making things a bit more uncomfortable by way of my waistline. Instead, I channeled what I felt in to my 10K and strength training - allowing me to "burn" my emotions instead of eating them. What a change (and relief) that was!

It felt good. It was a "Non Scale Victory" in my book - one that I'm glad I didn't let rule me for too long.

The outpouring of support after helped as well. Seeing the Facebook posts of support from friends, those that say I've inspired them, that was cool. It was refreshing, and a bit humbling. To those who have, thank you. (I can't ever say that enough!)

But as Mr. K reminded me, I didn't do this for recognition. (Which is very, very true. Something I guess I lost focus on?) And this isn't the end of the world, either. I'm not "depending" on it.

Yeah, it would've been kind of cool to see my story out there, but that's not why I started this journey. I started it for my own health and well-being. To have kids some day. So I live to see 80. So I live to see my niece and nephew grow up, graduate, and raise a family of their own (and hopefully someday - see an unborn child of my own follow those steps, though not right now).

Sure, there have been some side-benefits of my weight loss I hadn't expected: self-esteem, a needed confidence boost, inner- and outer-strength I never thought I had (or would have developed), a bit of kick in the pants mental-toughness (thank you, Mini Marathon), and the fact that I've grown comfortable with who I am while discovering someone "different" under all of those pounds shed. It's bittersweet, this news, but - this too shall pass.

Of course, I'm still dealing with a bit of weight gain, and the timing wasn't exactly the greatest. The weight gain has been somewhat aggravating, but at the same time, I'm starting to see that it may be a "good gain." I'm starting to see muscles. :)

I've recently discovered I have a bicep. I'll spare you the picture of my "guns," but it's fun to see definition show up in a mirror, and that I notice it! I'm kind of getting a little enjoyment out of it, as I've mentioned before, I don't typically notice the weight loss or definition gains, as I see myself everyday. But.... I. Have. A. Bicep. I've also started noticing my obliques are appearing. (Those are both new concepts!)

While I see the weight creeping up on the scale (six pounds in total), my measurements haven't increased (they haven't decreased either), and my pants are still fitting fine (depending on the brand/pair). For me, that's a concept I'm still struggling with accepting, as a number on the scale has defined my journey over physical/muscular gains. It's something I'm working on. Again - work in progress ;)

In addition to strength training, I'm in the next to last week of 10K training. (Woohoo!) Though I'm reaching the point I'm a bit over "training" and having discipline/burnout struggles, I'm excited to see where this 10K will take me. I'm running in the ISC Corporate Challenge again this year for my employer, opting for the 10K run over a 5K run and walk. The ISC Corporate Challenge has also changed venues, one that I've had the lovely pleasure of running twice before, once during my half marathon. (Hint, hint!)

The goals I have for the challenge are simple: enjoy the scenery (duh!), and beat my previous 10K time of 1:11:57 (or 11:18/mile). Easy, right? Meh - we'll see. Both were during cooler "weathered" events, and it might be a bit interesting. What else may be interesting? I'm not sure if the run is before or after (if I'm chosen for the team - still pending) I pit an Indy Car.

We'll leave the ISC Corporate Challenge at that... For now... ;)

In additition to the ISC Corporate Challenge, I hope to continue my City By Shoes series, this time in Asheville, NC! The hubby and I (my better half, Mr. K!) are planning to travel some time soon to the mountains for our (holy schmoly where did time go?!) 5 year anniversary, and we're both looking for a needed-getaway. Of course I'm planning to pack my running shoes, as the resort we are staying at not only offers a health spa/fitness center that appears to be wonderful, but also a "mountainous" trail for guests. But what I'm most excited about? The city is active-friendly, and there are sidewalks abound all the way in to downtown from our resort! Yay! No road running! (For those runners who may freak reading this, I live in the sticks. Running on a country road is normal. Don't fret!)

...and to help boost my mood (trust me, it has been much-needed), I decided to sign up for the 100 days of Happy Challenge, and you should too! So far, I've made it to Day 2, but what's eerie (or just another message from God?) is that my 100 days ends....on Christmas. How cool is that? You can follow my #100DaysofHappy challenge on my Instagram page: instagram.com/AshleyK199.

If you join in, post your information in the comment section below! I'd love to follow your 100 Days of Happy too! :)

"You'll never know if you don't try."

...I know, mom. And I only hope you're proud of me for living through your quote. I wouldn't be here in my journey if this isn't what you said when I told you I decided to lose weight. :)

I wasn't actually planning to submit anything when I first saw Brooke from Brooke Not On A Diet's retweet this morning of Shape Magazine's call for women to submit their weight loss stories.

Would you like to be featured in the magazine with @babnotonadiet​? Send your story to youinshape@shape.com.
— Shape Magazine (@Shape_Magazine) May 9, 2014

I'm a little uneasy with the fact that I may or may not have to pose in a bikini. Do I hope to some day? Yes. Confidently? Double yes.

...but Brooke has inspired me; inspired me enough to run in just a sports bra and running shorts last night, loose skin, nerves, and all. I'm sure it'll be the talk of church come Sunday, that I was out running in "next to nothing," but honestly - my husband was ok with it. (As curt as it sounds - his opinion is really the only one I care about when it comes to something like this. Wow. I really am growing up, huh? Ha!)

But as one of my favorite persons of all time and a favorite blogger too, Dacia over at My Roots To Grow, mentioned this morning in her blog post, I'm not really out for the promotion of my blog, or to "sell" my story. I honestly don't have much time to promote my blog as much as I would love to, with working full-time, racing stuff on weekends, and school mixed in. However, I do want to share my story so that others can be inspired. That's the only reason why I chose to even form this blog to begin with, much less submit something to Shape.

...and the fact that I'm still petrified to rock a bikini, gulp, in public, freeeeeeeeeaks me out. But I have several folks who have already said they will go bikini shopping with me if needed. I can't even begin to thank each and everyone I'm surrounded by, who continue to give me support and encouraging words either personally or via social media.

So, without further adieu, here's what I submitted to Shape, along with the photos I attached, in response to the above tweet:

 
For me, when I set out on my "weight loss journey" about four years ago, I didn't plan to lose triple digits - 116+ pounds total now - I just wanted to be healthy (NOT skinny). Cardiac health issues run deep in my family, and I've watched my Opa (German for grandfather) go through at the time 4, now 5, heart attacks, all due to poor diet in the past. Throw in personal insecurities, bullying trauma and virtually no self esteem left over from high school (and the fact I couldn't wear fashions I wanted to as a young twenty-something because I had to shop in the "older lady section" of a department store) I knew something had to change. It was just time. On my wedding day in October 2009, I tipped the scale at 250 lbs., morbidly obese but in denial. About 6 months after I married my husband, I knew something had to change, and I joined a national weight loss program, only setting a goal to see where losing 25 pounds would get me. Never did I ever imagine that it would lead to my healthy lifestyle change. I've chronicled the good, bad, and ugly through my blog attheemotionalride.blogspot.com, covering all things from the highs of completing my first half marathon last month after taking up running last summer, to the struggles I still deal with in the dressing room mirror at the mall, and everything in between in hopes to inspire.

The past four years are very hard to summarize in just one email, especially the feelings I have battled and triumphed over, while only hoping to inspire others to make a change for themselves, and for the better, while also bettering my body for having kids some day in the future. I knew that if I wanted to have children, to prevent a high risk issue, something also needed to change. My husband and my mother have been my rock the entire way, cheering me on or holding me while I cry and let go of feelings from the past. What the four years have given me is enough confidence and drive to accomplish what I love, including my first ever half marathon in Indianapolis. I'm truly, finally happy, while also "finding myself" in the process.

Though I've reached and surpassed my goal of losing 100 pounds, my journey continues everyday with my struggles of food, but also toning and continuing to maintain what I've worked for. It's a lifelong journey, not a "quick fix."

Thank you for taking time to read my, albeit short, summary of my weight loss journey. I have attached some pictures showing the progress I've made.

My Before vs. After/Current Progress - approx 115 lbs difference.

I can usually count the seconds it takes someone visiting my office to either, A) double-take, B) ask if that's my sister (nope, I have a brother), C) ask how much weight I've lost, or D) all of the above.

 

For the first time in my life, inspired by Brooke, I bared midriff while running in just a sports bra & shorts. It was both nerve-wrecking AND freeing.

Completing my first half marathon, not expecting to ever have the opportunity when adding it to my bucket list, tipping the scales at 250 lbs. But I did.

                                                                                                                                                                 

Do I honestly think something is going to come of this? No, honestly I don't. I'm sure there are plenty of other women out there that have better reasons than me, have a more interesting "hook" than my story does when deciding to take their life in their own hands to make a change for the better, and definitely deserve the praise and recognition. 

But regardless, for all of the love and support I've been given, thank you. For those who've said I'm a warrior, an inspiration, a driving force, or a reason to decide to lose weight or change their lifestyle, that humbles me incredibly, because I never ever thought I'd get this far, much less influence or inspire someone. 

I truly thank each and every person in my life for allowing me to accomplish this.