Hearing 'No'

It stinks, I'll admit it. No one wants to hear 'no,' but at times, one must persevere. Press on. Don't look back.

Remember when I submitted my weight loss story to Shape Magazine for consideration of participation in a roundtable discussion with other women who've lost more than 100 pounds? You can read about the initial contact here.

I hadn't typed out or wrote down my feelings regarding a follow up I received because honestly, I wasn't sure how to feel.

Rejection stinks. Even if I've come this far. But I'm not bitter, not mad, not really anything. Now, I'm just kind of feeling, "Oh, well." Onward!

Recently, a few weeks ago (yes, I've been sitting on it for this long), I finally heard an update after a back-and-forth digital conversation with an editor of the magazine, that my weight loss story wasn't chosen for an upcoming roundtable discussion.

I would be lying if I said it didn't take the "wind from my sails." It stinks a bit, and I (unfortunately) let my mind wander to where my hopes were up, one thing I regret and wish I didn't do. But ultimately, that's who I am. I'm a person who hopes for the best possible outcome, while worrying obsessively preparing for the absolute worst. But, in addition, I'm also someone who looks for the positivity in everything, a "silver lining," if you will, regardless of outcome.

Sure, it would've been kind of cool, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Though it stinks, what surprised me in the days following was that I didn't consume myself with negative thoughts or "eating my feelings." In the past, I would've medicated my sorrow with everything sweet, looking for a way to ease the discomfort and rejection, ultimately making things a bit more uncomfortable by way of my waistline. Instead, I channeled what I felt in to my 10K and strength training - allowing me to "burn" my emotions instead of eating them. What a change (and relief) that was!

It felt good. It was a "Non Scale Victory" in my book - one that I'm glad I didn't let rule me for too long.

The outpouring of support after helped as well. Seeing the Facebook posts of support from friends, those that say I've inspired them, that was cool. It was refreshing, and a bit humbling. To those who have, thank you. (I can't ever say that enough!)

But as Mr. K reminded me, I didn't do this for recognition. (Which is very, very true. Something I guess I lost focus on?) And this isn't the end of the world, either. I'm not "depending" on it.

Yeah, it would've been kind of cool to see my story out there, but that's not why I started this journey. I started it for my own health and well-being. To have kids some day. So I live to see 80. So I live to see my niece and nephew grow up, graduate, and raise a family of their own (and hopefully someday - see an unborn child of my own follow those steps, though not right now).

Sure, there have been some side-benefits of my weight loss I hadn't expected: self-esteem, a needed confidence boost, inner- and outer-strength I never thought I had (or would have developed), a bit of kick in the pants mental-toughness (thank you, Mini Marathon), and the fact that I've grown comfortable with who I am while discovering someone "different" under all of those pounds shed. It's bittersweet, this news, but - this too shall pass.

Of course, I'm still dealing with a bit of weight gain, and the timing wasn't exactly the greatest. The weight gain has been somewhat aggravating, but at the same time, I'm starting to see that it may be a "good gain." I'm starting to see muscles. :)

I've recently discovered I have a bicep. I'll spare you the picture of my "guns," but it's fun to see definition show up in a mirror, and that I notice it! I'm kind of getting a little enjoyment out of it, as I've mentioned before, I don't typically notice the weight loss or definition gains, as I see myself everyday. But.... I. Have. A. Bicep. I've also started noticing my obliques are appearing. (Those are both new concepts!)

While I see the weight creeping up on the scale (six pounds in total), my measurements haven't increased (they haven't decreased either), and my pants are still fitting fine (depending on the brand/pair). For me, that's a concept I'm still struggling with accepting, as a number on the scale has defined my journey over physical/muscular gains. It's something I'm working on. Again - work in progress ;)

In addition to strength training, I'm in the next to last week of 10K training. (Woohoo!) Though I'm reaching the point I'm a bit over "training" and having discipline/burnout struggles, I'm excited to see where this 10K will take me. I'm running in the ISC Corporate Challenge again this year for my employer, opting for the 10K run over a 5K run and walk. The ISC Corporate Challenge has also changed venues, one that I've had the lovely pleasure of running twice before, once during my half marathon. (Hint, hint!)

The goals I have for the challenge are simple: enjoy the scenery (duh!), and beat my previous 10K time of 1:11:57 (or 11:18/mile). Easy, right? Meh - we'll see. Both were during cooler "weathered" events, and it might be a bit interesting. What else may be interesting? I'm not sure if the run is before or after (if I'm chosen for the team - still pending) I pit an Indy Car.

We'll leave the ISC Corporate Challenge at that... For now... ;)

In additition to the ISC Corporate Challenge, I hope to continue my City By Shoes series, this time in Asheville, NC! The hubby and I (my better half, Mr. K!) are planning to travel some time soon to the mountains for our (holy schmoly where did time go?!) 5 year anniversary, and we're both looking for a needed-getaway. Of course I'm planning to pack my running shoes, as the resort we are staying at not only offers a health spa/fitness center that appears to be wonderful, but also a "mountainous" trail for guests. But what I'm most excited about? The city is active-friendly, and there are sidewalks abound all the way in to downtown from our resort! Yay! No road running! (For those runners who may freak reading this, I live in the sticks. Running on a country road is normal. Don't fret!)

...and to help boost my mood (trust me, it has been much-needed), I decided to sign up for the 100 days of Happy Challenge, and you should too! So far, I've made it to Day 2, but what's eerie (or just another message from God?) is that my 100 days ends....on Christmas. How cool is that? You can follow my #100DaysofHappy challenge on my Instagram page: instagram.com/AshleyK199.

If you join in, post your information in the comment section below! I'd love to follow your 100 Days of Happy too! :)

My, My How Time Flies

....where did you go, Summer? I miss you already and you've technically not left us yet?!

I can't believe it's been months since I've last blogged, and I feel awful for it. I'm sorry guys! This is me, waiving "Hi!" I'm still here... ;)

Summer has been super busy, but shall we catch up?

To answer some folks' questions, yes I'm still running! No, not as much as I did when training for the Indy Mini Marathon, but I am still running. Currently, I've began to train for a 10K race, representing my employer at the ISC Corporate Challenge again this year, only stepping it up a notch. (Side note: I also signed up for the pit stop challenge. #becauseracecar) They've switched venues from IUPUI to Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and my fingers are crossed I'll be able to kiss some bricks for a third (yes, third) time. We'll see! But I needed a goal anyway, as I've recently started losing sight, or just plain getting lazy. I'm currently running an average of 8 to 9 miles per week, three times a week, which is just enough to make me happy and "run off the day," (if I'm feeling it. Enter laziness. No bueno).
 

"Running off the day" is great. Except this day. It was disgusting.

I've started toning and lifting weights, or at least continued it. (Be gone, jiggle!) I am in LUUUUURVE with PopSugar's workouts, either by using kettlebells, dumbells, or just the ol' fashioned body weight. So far, my arms are starting to show definition and I think I have obliques? I am still frustrated with stubborn belly fat, and the saddlebags I can't seem to eradicate, but as I always say, I'm a work in progress. This couldn't be more true with strength training.

In addition to both running and strength training, I've saddled up on the bicycle again, logging miles through cross training. I once read that runners are the most injured, yet still going, athletes out there.  The bike has been able to give some aches and pains I had after the half marathon a break, and a chance to recover. In biking, I've rediscovered my hatred for wind.

I lived to tell about this ride.

Switching gears, Boston was absolutely incredible, despite my displeasure with a certain airline. Thanks to said airline, I missed the majority of my planned sightseeing, and the opportunity to continue my "City By Shoes" series. I saw the "city by shoes," however it was with my grey Converse, not my black and pink Brooks Ghost 6 like I had hoped. Argh. But here are a few of my highlights:

MiniAsh tagged along. Here we are, waiting impatiently to take off from Dayton.

This is me, delayed in Dulles, VA.

I survived navigating the "T." This country girl rocked Friday's commute!

Quack!

Acorn Street: The most photographic street in Boston.

From the Green Monstah.

I can't wait to get back to the city. I fell in love with Fenway and the Red Sox (sorry, Mr. K!), witnessed whales playing, feeding, and breaching (a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this landlocked-by-corn farm-girl), and ate some of the best (grilled) seafood I've had...ever. But the most important and memorable experience was catching up with my friend Robin - one of my greatest supporters in my weightloss journey, the reason I'm finally comfortable enough to "act like a girl" and buy dresses (and prefer shopping for them), and someone I miss. We shared the delectable Mike's Pastry goodies in honor of her belated birthday, and her and her hubby took me to a gorgeous arboretum and farm nearby their home. It was absolutely wonderful, and again, I can't thank her enough for "taking me in" for the weekend. I honestly can't wait to get back and see her.

This summer, I also completed an internship that I truly "lived the dream." Motorsports, and hockey are both something I'm strongly passionate about, and I had an amazing opportunity to observe and learn processes, procedures, and "behind the scenes" work that goes in to a sport I hope to some day work in. We'll see, but you never know where dreams could take you... I've discovered that with this weight loss journey.

 
My niece/mini-me turned five. She is also officially a Kindergartener. She's still a fighter, and still one of my biggest inspirations, and has truly taught me what it means to be a warrior. She can stop growing up now.

Can you handle the cuteness here?

...and with that, come August 25, I'll go back in to "education hibernation mode." I hope to continue blogging more even though my semesterly duties will pick up, and I've been working on a blog that I think will be quite a bit of fun! It just takes some time, research, and for me to sit down and just "get 'er done."

I'll also be traveling this Fall; at least one more trip is planned with Mr. K come October. We'll be celebrate our five year anniversary, and we both thought we needed to get out of town for a bit. I'm super, super excited to plan our vacation, and where we're going, but I'm not going to reveal anything just yet! I hope to have a "City (or resort?) By Shoes," adventure again, though I promise this one is going to hurt. I've ran hills, but not these hills.

Shamrock 5K/10K Recap

See that title up there? Ya know the part about 5K/10K? Well, I ran it/survived it/didn't die on stairs. (More on that later....)

And I ran my first 10K ever, my first race of 2014, and finished 2nd in the Females 20-29 age group!

(Now before you start thinking I'm an elite-runner, medaling and stuff, just know there were two in my age group. But still, I placed. In something. Ha! And received a fancy water bottle ta-boot!)

Today was fun! After an up and down week of emotions, it was great to not only great to get outside, set a new (and fastest) pace post-knee surgery, and finally get back into race-mode. Part of the run used a trail that skirts the river through the gorge that divides the city of Richmond. It was wonderful to be outdoors running the 6.2 miles set out in front of me, and to breathe fresh air. My, it was wonderful.

(And thank God the turn in to the gorge fell at mile 5. I needed a change of scenery, and the trail was perfect-ish. There were hills. And stairs. It was iffy. And ugly. Still more on that...)

The race started out as a combination of both 5K and 10K runners/walkers, starting at the local high school's football field, snaking out down the southside of town on to one of the main country roads. We ran, for what seemed like forever, down to mile 3/turn around point (in to the wind). I will say I didn't see my first water station until mile 3, which was a bit of a downer, and had only two during the entire 6.2 mile course. It wasn't the greatest, and I believe I'm feeling the effects a bit of slight dehydration due to it. (Or my own unpreparedness. I didn't have a belt or water with me: just gloves, my iPhone, and a pack of Honey Stinger Energy Chews to down at mile 4 - my bad.)

As we turned back to head towards Richmond, we ran forever, again, on the country road, however the wind finally to my back. Heading out was rough (though the wind wasn't as bad or as cold as previous runs this year), but coming back was wonderful. As we headed in to town, we split off to the right on to Test Road, and then down a valley away from Abington Pike, where we just came from.

My first thought, as I'm sprinting down this massive hill was, "Um, hey Ash. Ya know we're going to have to get back up some how, right? What goes down, must come up."

At first I thought, "you've got to be kidding me, that at mile 4+, you're going to make me run up this monster hill ahead of me?" But nope! Thankfully, at mile 5, the route took you to the left and in to the gorge along the paved trail.

(Side note: I now officially know why you shouldn't run in the gorge alone if you're female. I was in a pack of other female runners, 3 or 4 total, and one male runner, as we approached a total creeper just hanging out. Alone. EEEEK. I won't be running without Mr. K there any time soon...)

As we approached 5.5 miles, things started to turn up hill. And this is where the, "You've got to be kidding me," cursing that makes a hockey player blush started. I knew it couldn't be that much further, but this is where I figured out how we're getting out of the gorge and back to the finish line on the high school's track...

Up.

After one hellish hill I NEVER thought I'd survive, there were stairs.

Stairs. STAIRS.

Who in their psychotic offroad-running mind puts a set of stairs at the end of a 10K?

I wanted to die.

After putting some distance between another female runner who I kept trading leads with, and a couple that was hot on my heels, I kicked in to high gear. For the first flight. The second? Ha! Nope.

But I made it up both, ran across the parking lot, across the street, down the sidewalk, rounded the gate to the left, and BAM! Finish line!

My official gun time was 1 hour, 12 minutes, 13 seconds, breaking down to 11:36/mile - improving significantly while in a race setting from last Saturday's 12:05/mile/5 miler.

I'll take it!

After an emotionally-wrecking week, it was nice to be able to get back to a bit of normalcy, while knowing my mother in law was smiling down on me today. I said a few prayers while out running, mostly to get me through and to remind myself never to give up, but it was much-needed fun, and another great race to get me ready for the Mini in May.

Here are some more pictures from the day, from Mr. K or Speedy-Feet.com:

(Sorry for the last few grainy/blurry/crappy photos. But still, proof I survived! And didn't die! Who woulda thunk it?)

I'm Only Human

I've fallen off the wagon.

Actually? It hit a bump, threw me off, backed up, and ran over me.

What can I say? I've ate like total sh*t lately. I've tried to clean it up, but I feel miserable. And guilty.

I really have tried, with good intention, but ya know that little thing I always mention about my stress eating? Times it by a zillion in the past few weeks.

I feel horrible. I feel disgusting. I'm stressed, emotional, and a total wreck, and I've ate like it too.

Not only have I used the excuse that "I'll be running tomorrow/tonight/next week/God knows when so have at it sister," today we laid my mother in law to rest after an incredibly stressful three weeks; three weeks I hope to never repeat again in my life.

So how bad has my eating got? Try six cookies for dinner Sunday night to the point I had a bellyache and couldn't sleep. What did I eat tonight, when all intents were to make a huge/yummy/leftover-veggie salad? A slice of banana bread and a split blueberry muffin with loads of honey butter.

I keep saying, "tomorrow is a new day," but for some reason, I don't believe myself. I've cheated myself, not only with food and calories, but I've made myself feel this way; the guilt, shame, and embarrassment because I've "let myself go." (Granted, I know it's only been three weeks, but come on. It's a slippery slope, folks.)

Yes, I've gained weight. Has it been much? No. Just 1.6 pounds, but I feel miserable. I can just tell the difference.

So my goal for this next week? Clean it up.

I'm not saying no more sweets, just sweets in moderation (not inhaling at the site of goodies). I'm a firm believe that moderation is okay; you absolutely cannot deprive yourself because it just makes it worse. I want to be able to have one or two sweet treats a week, but limit myself, as I know I feel much, much better when I'm eating better (in addition to running and working out).

I feel better about myself when I feel healthy. Since feeling better about myself was my resolution for 2014, I want to focus on it again. Get away from the crap, if you will.

In addition to all of the craziness Mr. K and I've faced in the past few weeks, one positive note is that I've kept with my half marathon training, as it's been a way for me to let go and de-stress. I've kept on schedule, and things are starting to take shape. I'm actually doing it! Ha! Who knew?!

I have officially ordered my second pair of running shoes, going with Brooks Ghost 6 again (which I love!), after finding out I should have replaced them a loooooong time ago. No wonder I've had calf soreness? #facepalm

While testing out new shoes (I also love the Newton Gravity's!) by running up and down the sidewalk like a madwoman running through town, I also picked up some nutrition to start giving it a shot. I'm at the point to where my long runs are now six miles or more lasting longer than an hour, and after running and bonking during 5 miles last week, it's time to start testing out what I like, what makes me sick, and what just won't work. This is a whoooooooole new adventure, folks.

Here's what I went with to test out first:

The gels are freaking me out a little, as I'm not crazy about the texture anyway, but I also picked up chews and sport beans to give them a shot. It's all about experimenting, seeing what works, what fuels me longer, and what just won't do.

In addition, this week's scheduled long run Saturday is 6 miles. At first, (because I'm a total dork and can't count on one hand to save my life), I had thought I was supposed to run a scheduled 10K or 7 miles this week. Well, that's next week. But conveniently, a local high school is hosting a 5k run/walk and 10k run, benefiting one of their student clubs. Why not, right? I do plan to take some nutrition with me, as I want to test it out at about mile 4 or 45 minutes in to running, whichever comes first. (It just won't be a gel. I don't want to get sick in front of people I know!)

I've also reached out to a few runner-friends and acquaintances from the community who I know have ran half marathons or full marathons before. I've had lots of wonderful advice shared with me, including tips about nutrition, tips about the Mini itself, tips about not eating Bengay (when thinking it's an energy gel, tips about getting clothes from clearance racks to shed/donate to charity when dressing in layers the day of the race, while also making sure I shed my earbuds shortly before entering Indianapolis Motor Speedway to hear bagpipers along the route. Knowing cheerleading squads cheering your name (listed on your bib), bands, bagpipers, and amazing volunteers will line the entire 13.1 mile route, while participating in not only one of the biggest half marathons in the nation, causes me to have instant goosebumps. You name it, it's all been passed on to me, and I am extremely grateful for the wealth of information leading up to race day! With this being my first half, I'm nervous, as expected, since it's pretty much fear of the unknown. I'm trying to do my best to prep for the race, and even though I'm nervous, I'm also very excited.

Closer to race day, I'll also have more information available, usually about the week before, regarding social media, race details, maps, etc. I plan to register both my Twitter account and Facebook information so that family, friends, and acquaintances can follow along during my race via automatic updates from my bib chip. What did we ever do before technology?! (This makes me geek out because I can't wait for you all to share in my progress too!)

In addition, I've also set my three personal goals for the race:

• Finish. (AKA: Don't die.)
• Stay off the trail bus. (Picking up anyone over the required 18 min/mile pace.)
• Kiss some bricks ;)

The 500 Festival Mini Marathon is officially just 50 days away and counting!