The Peanut Gallery

I've been meaning to write this blog for sometime, addressing one thing in particular that absolutely drives me up a wall during my weight loss journey. But let me first say that I appreciate all of the support my friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances learning my "story," and anyone else who has cheered me on in hopes of becoming a "better" me. It's still extremely humbling to know I have such an amazing support network behind me, and to this day, it still feels so undeserving. I can't begin to thank each and every one of you for all of the support, cheers, and positive thoughts you've given me, but I can say this: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. :)

Now on to the post.... (Deep breath, Ash.)

The "Peanut Gallery."

It happens weekly; the questions about my weight loss I get are almost predictable, but it has been four years.

"How much weight have you lost?"

"How are you doing it?"

"How do you stay on track?"

"You must work out constantly?"

...and then my favorites (hint: sarcasm ahead):

"I bet you don't eat any cheeseburgers, do you?"

"Oh, another salad today?"

"Are you sure you don't have an eating disorder?"

"You mean you actually ate a carb?" (Yes, someone actually has asked me that, to which I replied, "I eat them everyday." *Smile. Walk-away.*)

"When are you going to stop losing weight?"

The last one has honestly been nails on the chalkboard as of late for me, with several folks asking/commenting, or telling me I've lost "too much." Just as a close family member suggested I had an eating disorder at Thanksgiving because "I've lost too much weight and need to stop," I'm starting to hear those words again from several, and I can honestly say they cut just as deep as the comments I had when I was "fat."

I know I should be comfortable with myself enough that I shouldn't hang on to these words, however it's hard. It really is.

But I want to make this very clear: I eat. I eat a lot. And I eat to fuel my body.

No, I am not starving myself. (I couldn't. I, A) am trying to be smart about what I'm doing, as I want to be healthy, not skinny, and B) really, really love food that much.)

No, I'm not working out every waking moment of the day. I have a life, and I like to live it, even if school is taking away from "social time."

If I know that I'm going to have a large meal (or one that might test my calorie maintenance "limit" for the day), I run. I run to eat. And when I mean eat, I mean eat. I can still put food away, and I'm not ashamed of it.


...but I can tell you what is happening: I'm losing inches, as my goal now is to maintain, but tone. I have quite a bit of loose skin, stretch marks, cellulite, or any other fun things that comes with losing 110+ pounds. It's not pleasant, I don't like it, but I'm working to improve myself so that I am happy with how I look, and who I am as a whole. I have not lost any weight on the scale number-wise, and honestly, I'm shifting my focus away from it. I will not let food or the scale rule me, as I want to be able to share the ever-amazing Mississippi Mud Pie I did yesterday with a close friend/former coworker and not feel bad about it. (It was delish, by the way. I don't feel bad about it, either.)

...and I really don't want you, the reader, to take this post the wrong way. Please, don't. I'm not trying to come across as selfish, but the words about being "too skinny" cut just as deep as when they were about being "fat."

Bottom line: I am not starving myself for "image." I promise you.

So I will leave you with this:

Be happy. Be healthy. But most importantly, be you. (And be happy with "you!")

Post-Surgery Update (3 Weeks late...)

Well, I survived surgery, and I'm surviving in the midst of recovery. (Bonus: I also survived Finals week post-surgery with two A's, and I didn't kill anyone in the process. Oh, thank you Lord!)

We're going in to Week 3 post-surgery and things are progressing, you could say, after knee surgery. We're not progressing as quickly as I'd hoped, but if I had my way, I would have been running on the treadmill the day after surgery. Not exactly realistic, (I get that) but I'm getting there.

Week 1 saw much frustration for me, and I wasn't exactly my happiest I've been. I couldn't walk normally until about the Friday after surgery (and thank goodness I did; meeting new folks and attending a motorsports tradeshow wasn't exactly business-like if I had been limping around). Physical therapy, began two days after surgery, has had its ups and downs. The first appointment brought me tears and frustration, thoughts of never being able to walk "normal" again, let alone actually running. I didn't hurt (I never actually did hurt), as everyone still asks me if I'm in pain. No, it was more stiffness; lack of movement, or as I liked to refer to it as "dragging a peg leg around." Measurement and comparisons of range of motion were aggravating, however it set a goal for me to meet; something I could work on and gain back. Hope wasn't exactly lost.

It was explained to me at my first PT appointment, that a normal person's knee should bend at around 120 degrees, my right bending 145 (overachiever, I know). My left, the one in which I had the scope and meniscus repaired, only bent at 94 degrees two days after surgery. With prescribed exercises though, by the second appointment,  I was bending at 118 degrees, much improvement from the appointment before.

During Week 1, I also had my follow up post-op appointment with the surgeon. Things looked so good that I was officially released from their care that day, and that I could resume "any activity as I saw fit." Hmph. Hooray! But that was a bit of a loaded statement...

Week 2 saw many improvements, including being able to walk "normally" again. I attended one of the biggest motorsport trade shows the Friday after surgery, and managed rather well during, however the day after, after being on my feet for more than eight hours, wasn't exactly the greatest, and resumed limping again. Add in ice and rest, I was walking again normally within two days. Yeah for progress!

I'm currently in Week 3, and things have started to progress much better! I'm still a little swollen and sore around the incision sites, but I finally have my range of motion back to the full extent. I've started slight weight-bearing exercises, while also starting a scar massage each night to break up any scar tissue that began to form. In physical therapy, I've been reintroduced to the elliptical and bike, hoping to build on aerobics again. I was also told I could run again this past Sunday, just not pushing it too far for too long, dependent upon how I felt Saturday after using the equipment. I decided against it, as I didn't want to put myself too far, potentially reinjuring whatever could've been fixed (even if the doctor said I couldn't damage anything further). I just don't feel like I'm quite ready.

Diet-wise, things took a nosedive this past weekend, as we celebrated Christmas with my grandparents and family. My Oma constantly has sweets and cookies abound, and let's just say I could've easily ate my weight in cookies. Actually, it was more like, I did. I've tried to clean things up again this week, but Christmas isn't easy on my waistline or diet. I know I'll get back into a routine very soon, however it's still hard, especially since I give in to food-temptations really, really easily. This too shall pass, right? Feedback. It's "feedback." But even with "feedback," I'm frustrated with myself, however I know I can't be perfect. I wasn't for three and a half years, but still lost the weight with time.

I am hoping (read: praying desperately) I can run again soon, as I feel time is starting to get away from me regarding training for the Mini, my first half-marathon. At this point, for me it's going to be walk, run, or crawl to finish, however I want to be smart about it and try to run as much as I can before, but not killing myself in the process. I plan to start Couch to 5K all over again, and that will take about 9 weeks if I don't progress any quicker than when I first started running. I really should be running 12 total miles per week by February to start training comfortably for the Mini, however February is 2 months away, and I feel I won't be able to get through C25K quick enough, especially since I haven't reintroduced running to my recently-repaired knee. I know it will take time, but I've said before I'm not the most patient person. The doctor said I could start running again in 4-6 weeks, and if I feel up to it, it sounds like it will happen soon. I plan to actually cross-train and start adding in weights again, as I did right before my surgery, while running. That should help regarding muscle development and getting me back in to running shape quicker. At least I hope...

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay positive. As many have said, "You'll have good days and bad, but just be patient." I've definitely had both, but so far more good that bad, which is highly positive! Patience isn't my strength, but I'm learning, though.

I want to wish Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat., all of the best of luck in her recovery as well, as she bounces back from (a much more invasive) surgery. She's been such an inspiration for me, as well as becoming someone I'm lucky to call a friend. I wish you all of the best, my dear! You'll be rockin' it again in no time flat, and I'm so proud of you in all that you've accomplished!

I also want to give a huge thank you to both my husband Brandon, and my momma Jill. They've been my sounding board through all of this, and have definitely heard me at my worst while lifting me up to be my best. Without them, I wouldn't be where I'm at in my journey, and definitely wouldn't have made it through surgery and this far into recovery without their support. I also want to thank Brandon for making me a hair appointment just two days after surgery so that I could have my hair washed and styled before we went to lunch (aka:when I first saw daylight again). Getting me out of the house, as cold and snowy as it was, was definitely the boost I needed to get me through those first few days. (And I felt like a new woman by just having my hair washed and styled.) It's the little things he does for me that makes me so thankful and grateful I have him.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! I hope it's fun and food-filled while spending lots of time with friends and family!

More updates to come soon... :)

Zero Is Not a Size

I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA as of late, but this blog post will take a lot out of me. It delves into some long-time emotions I’ve had since childhood that I only share with those I truly trust. Only those closest to me and around me really know what I’ve been through, but maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to discuss it openly. But that’s not what this blog post is about. This post is about some comments recently made by Chanel’s head designer and creative director, Karl Lagerfeld.

Allow me to climb up onto my soapbox:

Let me first preface this by saying I’ve been a long-time fan of fashion. I’ve been through the label-hog stage of life, and I truly love Chanel, Coach, and fashion in general. What girl doesn’t? But it disturbs me tremendously after reading comments made by Mr. Lagerfeld this morning in a story posted on MSN. In case you missed it, here’s his quote regarding singer Adele:

"The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.”

I am truly disappointed with Karl Lagerfeld, as this isn’t the first time he’s given such a horrible back-handed “compliment” to a famous female. I absolutely love Adele. She is gorgeous, fashionable, and extremely talented. She, in no way, deserves a comment like this, though I understand everyone has a critic. I also understand the fashion industry is rife with stick-thin models with ribs bones poking out all over their bodies, but is this the message you want to send to your children? (Critique much, Ashley?)

Girls everywhere go through enough pressures in high school: to be academically superior, to get into a great university, to worry if they made Varsity whatever, who they’re seen with at the prom, what clique they belong to, the newest fashion and brands of the moment, etc. I had tough times in high school, and it was extremely painful. I have a tremendous amount of emotional scars because of it, but it’s made me stronger.

But, in my personal opinion, and I’m sure other women and girls, there is nothing worse than being referred to as “fat.”

Adele is a gorgeous girl, and I will say it again: an amazingly talented singer. Absolutely by far, one of the best my generation has seen or heard. So why in the world would Mr. Lagerfeld target her and call her “fat,” I’ll never understand it. She has more talent in her left pinky than he will have in a lifetime. Yes, he’s paved the way in the fashion world, and set a tremendous amount of trends, but I have yet to see him use a size 8 model in any of his runway shows. Hell, Marilyn Monroe was a size 16! She is one of the most iconic figures worldwide, and was gorgeous as ever and yet Mr. Lagerfeld chooses the girl who most likely battles some type of eating disorder that puts her body through hell, just so she can star in his next show, not set an example for women and girls who need a role model or someone to look up to.

I’ve been through these pressures that teenage girls face everywhere. I will never forget the time when my father took me to a grocery store while visiting another blonde-haired, well “endowed,” skinny girlfriend of his in Ohio and stating to me, “I’d like to show you around the grocery aisles. You really need to start eating a little better.” I was 15. At 15, I read between the lines. I felt like he didn’t want to be spotted with his “fat” daughter.

I understand healthy eating now, and what I should have been doing diet-wise, but I was NOT by any means overweight or fat, and at 15 that’s the way it was implied. I was involved with Color Guard and Winter Guard year round for 6 solid years. My season never really ended, we just took breaks. I admit I wasn’t the most athletically inclined, and I’m still not, but practicing 3 times a week with contests and shows year round for that amount of time, I was able to maintain my weight just fine. I’m sure I could have melted the pudge away if I did eat healthier, but I was just fine with the way I was. I was mostly happy. I wasn’t the skinniest girl in high school, and I am not now, nor will I ever be, but to a 15 year old girl, what message does that send?

Body image is everything these days. I’ll admit I still deal with it horribly, more than someone somewhat unfamiliar to me would ever know. But when I began this weight loss journey, the first commitment I made to myself was to be “healthy,” not “skinny.” What spurred, or at least helped give me the motivation, were days I’d leave several department stores in tears because I couldn’t find something cute, stylish, or comfortable to wear. It was always the elastic pants in the (pardon me for lack of better terms) Old Lady section of the store, never the cute, brand-name destructed jeans or the cute, flirty top I saw in magazines and on posters or advertisements. Things my Oma would wear, not me.

I’ll never forget One Tree Hill’s episode in which Brooke Davis hosted a fashion show for a new line with her “Clothes over Bros” company (and I can’t believe I’m using this in my blog. Serious research, huh?) Millie, her assistant, modeled a gorgeous, fashionable shirt that said “Zero is not a size” to close out the show. I firmly believe this, and I hope Mr. Lagerfeld one day realizes this, though I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ve heard of these types of comments from him or others in the fashion world for that matter. It’s very unfortunate and close-minded. But I firmly believe there needs to be more education and information out in the world regarding eating disorders, confidence, and self-esteem issues that young girls face every day, and it needs to be more prevalent in their lives.

I’ve been there, and I certainly know the feelings all too well. Someone needs to be an advocate. Someone needs to step up.

Because I firmly believe, “Zero is not a size.”

Portion Distortion

My name is Ashley, and I have a problem with 'Portion Distortion.'

I'll admit it. I eat like a pig at a trough. Before I began my weight loss journey, I never knew the difference between 'stuffed' and 'satisfied.' I thought being full was eating until I puke, and I still have a horrible issue with it, especially when I go out to eat.

I never knew a thing about portion control. I didn't know the servings on the back of a packaged mattered so much. I didn't know that a serving of veggies or fruit was one cup, or about the size of a baseball, a bagel should be the size of a hockey puck, a potato the size of a computer mouse or lightbulb. But the comparisons and tips I learned helped me tremendously.

The first two weeks I began my change, I thought I was going to keel over a die from starvation. But a leader in my meetings was always there to reassure me. She always told me that if you're eating a balanced meal, your body will get used to it. You won't starve. It's true! You really don't NEED seconds.

So here I'm going to help you out a little, I hope, with some tips I've learned throughout the year and a half. Below are some common items that you can visualize a serving size for, but when in doubt, get out the measuring cups!

1 c: baseball or tennisball

1/2 c: lightbulb

1 teaspoon: The end of your thumb (tip to first bend)

3 oz of meat: deck of cards

1 oz of cheese: 4 dice

If that's not enough check out the new guidelines replacing the Food Pyramid, the Food Plate, from the USDA/ChooseMyPlate.org.

One last tip: When eating at a restaurant, first and foremost, automatically ask for a box. Divide your meal in half and take it home! You will not only save yourself from overeating, but you will also save some money, as voila, you now have two meals!

And for more info, and a handy pocket guide you can slip into your wallet, check out WebMD.

I hope visualizing helps you as it has helped me! I'm a visual person and this helped tremendously while I was out and about, as well as grocery shopping for my husband and I.

Good luck! :)