His and Hers

My coworker suggested I write about, as...in her words, "it's too funny not to."...but I'm going to spare you with the details (and humorous marriage story, for sake of Mr. K).

As with any marriage, you have his and you have hers. It could be the "pile of beauty crap" I have on my shelf in the bathroom versus his one stick of deodorant, razor, toothbrush, and toothpaste on his. It could be my car preference versus his truck. He doesn't run. He thinks I'm crazy (though I'm sure I am) for running, but I love it. He likes to relax on vacation, I like to explore. He's relaxed and watches the world go by, allowing negativity to roll off of his back; I dig in deep to ensure I'm enjoying said world, while also being slightly OCD about it.

...but "His and Hers" also applies to our food. We have two very different tastes when it comes to our palates, but I always say, "opposites attract." He's a meat and potatoes guy with no interest in "foliage" or "greenery," while in my weight loss journey, I can't get enough of lean meats, fruits, and veggies (but with a vicious sweet-tooth). There have been several times I've thought to myself, "Wow. His and hers meals, huh?"

Tonight's big debate for dinner? Pizza. Specifically a particular company's offering; one slice compares to the amount of calories I consume in one meal. Usually when I know we're getting pizza, I try to buffer it with a HUGE salad first, so I can enjoy a slice or two rather than inhale an entire pie. However, said company doesn't offer a side salad, and "salad" in my refrigerator is nonexistent until I grocery shop tomorrow. Dilemma.

I'll be perfectly honest, all I want to do is eat the entire pizza. I know I won't stop if I don't have that buffer; I've had that problem before, and I have that problem when going to buffets (it's why I avoid them at all costs if I can), as I try to control portion at all costs. I have a horrible issue with 'portion distortion,' even after four-plus years of weight loss, but I try to combat it with measuring foods, dividing them out, using a food scale, and planning my meal-day ahead, as I usually stick to goals easier that way.

But, but.... Pizza. It's my favorite.

As I've said before, I'm a firm believer in moderation over deprivation. If you cut something completely out of your diet you enjoy, you will crave it at one time or another. I promise you that. And there are times where one should just enjoy themselves, enjoy the moment, and throw calorie-caution to the wind. But after the Mini Marathon, my diet has slacked and I've really tried to clean things up this week to no avail. My sweet tooth (and Pinterest recipe ideas) strike again!

...and poor Mr. K - he's in the line of fire. All he wants is this certain kind of pizza, it's been a while since we've had it, but since they don't offer any side salads or additional foods that aren't 1,000 calories a slice, I'm struggling, and he heard about it. (To which I'm very sorry and feel absolutely horrible in the way it was delivered to Mr. K. He pushed for pizza, resulting in me panicking over pizza-hoarding desperation. I don't trust myself with food, but really Ash? Suck it up and let him have the damn pizza.)

...but as with anything I eat, I adapt. I'm currently planning on still ordering said pizza, but sticking to what I know - loading my half of that bad boy down with nothing but veggies (light on the cheese), and limiting myself to what I can have. I'm also planning to stop by the grocery to pick up a prepackaged side salad to eat as my buffer.

For me, I know preplanning works best, especially in situations like this, as know Mr. K likes what he likes (despite my insistence on giving some things a try, or others the boot; poor guy), so an extra side trip it is!

How do you adapt or handle this situation? Comment below, and share with me and others your stories, issues, or situations, and most importantly - how you adapt to challenging food situations. I'd definitely love to hear your ideas!

OneAmerica 500 Festival Indianapolis Mini Marathon Race Recap

There's so much I want to say about this past Saturday's half marathon, my first, but I'm not sure where to start or even really how to put everything in words.

I'm not sore, nor was I at really any point after the race aside from what felt like a shin splint in my right leg and the tendon I tweaked a few weeks ago just letting me know it was still there. But nothing hurt. That's it. That's the only soreness I had from 13.1 miles of sheer enjoyment.

The race was amazing, much more than I ever expected. ...but first, let me back up, as I've got two days of Indy-goodness to talk about!

I decided to take the entire day off from work on Friday so that I could rest, get a last minute chiropractic adjustment, clean the house, prep myself for what's about to happen, calm my nerves (or so I thought), and just "chill." Mr. K came home from work, and off to Indy we went!

We decided to go straight downtown to the Indiana Convention Center instead of checking in to the hotel first, to check out the expo and pick up my race packet. What I didn't expect were the nerves and the flood of apprehension that poured over me as we drove in and parked. It was as if it were a bit of panic. (Other runners, is this normal for your first big race?)

After I picked up my packet, we decided to head to the hotel, grab some dinner, come back and just chill. As I unpacked my race clothes to pin my number on my shirt ahead of time, the flood of panic hit me. I forgot to pack a sports bra. (Insert: Facepalm.)

I knew I laid it out with my outfit. I had everything laid out a few days ahead of time just so I didn't wear what I wanted to wear on Saturday during my last training run Thursday. I seriously thought it was the end of the world, and poor Mr. K heard it all... Luckily, in deciding to stay outside of downtown, Target was just down the road! So after we were back from dinner, after I already threw on PJs to chill for the rest of the evening, we made a mad dash down the road, again, so I can buy a last minute, ahem, necessity.

Getting up Saturday morning, I was nervous. I didn't sleep well the night before, even if everything I've read suggests a runner should do otherwise. I was too anxious, too excited, and too giddy, but also apprehensive approaching race day.

We grabbed breakfast at the hotel, loaded up, and headed downtown. We arrived early, right before the start of the first wave at 7:45, and just kind of hung out until my wave at 8:45. It was brisk, and I made sure to keep a light jacket over a long sleeve shirt, over my tee shirt, with shedding each layer to get accustomed the closer to the start.

At this point, I want to thank Mr. K for all that he did for me Saturday. He's a trooper. He stood in the cold with me, held all of my crap, waited on me for over 2 1/2 hours after I started running (that doesn't include before or after the actual race), and dealt with a long line of other spectators wanting to get breakfast at Panera after ducking away from Steak N Shake as the line was down the block. Poor guy. And just for the record, he doesn't do cities very much either folks, all while trying to understand why I'm crazy enough to run 13.1 miles with 33,000+ other runners. I truly have a fabulous and amazing husband.

...shortly before the fun began, I met these two guys, as they started the race basically beside me as our wave took off. One was named Kyle, unfortunately I didn't grab the gentleman's name to the right of this picture, but they are two soldiers who completed 13.1 miles of craziness with their military boots on their feet and their gear packs weighed down, as they were prepping for a training exercise here in a few weeks. All I could do was thank them, in addition to explaining to them how much of rockstars they truly are. I'm still in awe of them, and if I ever get the chance to, I will buy them a beer for both their service to their country (and the reason I can run free), while also for their accomplishment at the Mini. It was truly incredible. (Thanks for the inspiration guys!)

As we started the race heading west of downtown, I'm not going sugarcoat it, but we ran through some questionable neighborhoods that I wouldn't normally run or drive through alone. During daylight. It was really set up nice though, all along the course, as there was plenty of entertainment, plenty of action, plenty of water stops, and plenty of people-watching to keep me entertained in addition to my newly loaded playlist.

...and after mile 3, I just sort of fell into a groove. Most of the race from mile 3 on was a blur. At least until we rolled through downtown Speedway, Indiana. I knew I had to be getting close to Indianapolis Motor Speedway (the one section of the race I have looked forward to since before I began my weight loss journey, the one reason this race was firmly planted on my bucket list), since we started passing both the Dallara Indy Car Factory and the one driver (now owner) who I've looked up to, especially during my teenage years as she ran laps around IMS, Sarah Fisher Hartman Racing's new facility.

...and then off in to the distance, the turn 1 grandstand opened up, along with the famed IMS Pagoda.

I could tell I was getting giddy. I wasn't nervous, I was excited, almost spastic to be honest, as I started to speed up.

As we made the turn on to 16th Street to head towards IMS, I knew we were getting close. I know how to get to the track; I've been there a dozen times for various things, but even as the tunnel entrance came in to view, I almost couldn't stand it.

I still have chills thinking about making the 2 1/2 mile lap around the track, but even more so, from seeing the grandstand and front stretch open up as I ran out of turn 4 and on to the straightaway. Pit entrance greeted me as the Pagoda was firmly planted on my left, with the scoring pylon lit up as it is throughout the month of May.

As I approached the yard of bricks (hence the nickname "Brickyard"), I made my way to the left, where most were kneeling down to stop, kiss the bricks, take a photo opp if they so chose, then continued on. I did just that (without the photo opp). It was the dirtiest, but one of the best kisses a motorsports fan could ask for. ...and the whole time, the only thing I could think of was, "if these walls could talk."

As soon as I crossed the bricks, I had 5.1 miles to go. (Side note: I love how the start/finish line at IMS is one of the mile markers. Kind of nerdy, but kind of neat!)

The last 3-4 miles were pretty uneventful as well, winding back through some more questionable neighborhoods I ran through on my way out to IMS, but as I approached downtown, I knew I had to be getting close. I could see the skyline I love so much getting closer with every step I took.

That last mile, though... Oof. I could definitely tell I started to run out of steam even though I didn't slow down and kept a good pace the entire way.

But as I approached the finish line, everything from the start of my weight loss journey, until my goal of running the Mini Marathon came full circle.

You see, one of the main reason I began my weight loss was because of my Opa. (You can read about that more in my very first blog post here.) He's also the one main reason I'm such a big motorsports fan, a fan across many spectrum and disciplines of the sport. Each year, for as long as I can remember, I've found myself at his place on Memorial Weekend, and even though we're "blacked out" living in Indiana, and not able to watch the Indianapolis 500 live, we take it old school. We listed to the race live via FM radio, crowded around the kitchen table, jumping when a wreck happens, cheering when our favorite driver or "driver of choice" wins such a prestigious race. It's something I'll certainly remember for the rest of my life.

...and as I approached the finish line of the Mini Marathon, I heard the same broadcast I heard sitting around my Opa's kitchen table years back, listening to Michael Andretti battling it out for 1 and 2 in the closing laps of the Indianapolis 500. It's all I heard over my earbuds. I crossed the finish line thinking of my Opa, not the race I just ran, with chills going down my spine.

Everything over the past four years came full circle. 

As soon as I paused the run, grabbed my medal, grabbed a bottle of water, and headed to the Runners' Services exit, I found Mr. K peeking out from behind a few other folks waiting for friends to arrive.

I grabbed him, hugged him, and cried.

Everything just came pouring out.

After gathering myself, I checked my phone. I had sooooooo many notifications, so many text messages (and a missed call from my momma) from friends who had been tracking me via website every time I hit a split. That was another really cool moment. Friends had posted to my Facebook wall cheering me on, encouraging me as I crossed the 5K split, and telling me to keep going after crossing the bricks. I am truly blessed to have each and every person in my life, and the outpouring of support and encouragement from Saturday is truly amazing and humbling.

To each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

(I do want to apologize to friends for not getting back to you while I was running. As a general rule, I ignore my phone when I'm out on runs and Saturday was no different, tuning out the world to de-stress, and usually just pay attention to two things: cars and calls.)

I called Dave, a local radio DJ, runner, and a very, very helpful seasoned veteran of the Indy Mini, and now someone I look up to for running-motiviation and inspiration, to meet up with him, as he wanted to get a picture with me post-race and check on how it went. Aside from totally forgetting to take a picture with him (we both blame it on the lack of sugar in our bodies), I had the opportunity to congratulate him for making the 500 Club. That is an awesome accomplishment, and I'm so proud of you Dave! I told you that you would rock it!

All in all, it was an awesome weekend, and aside from a touch of stomach flu hitting me about two hours after the race was over going in to recovery mode (and the fact I told Mr. K never again twenty-two times), I had an absolute blast!

Would I do it again? Yes! While I'm not sure I'll train again for a half marathon during a semester, I do want to do it again. Just not for a while. You know how a couple puts almost all of their time and energy in to a wedding to only crash and burn shortly after, because the wedding and not the actual marriage was all they thought about? That's kind of how I feel... I'm kind of at the "what now?" point.

I do plan to continue running, I'm certainly not stopping, but I think, at least for the rest of this year, I'll continue to run 5K's, as I have a bit of fun with them! I want to improve my minute per mile time, but I'm not focusing on just that. I also want to get back to lifting weights, improving my tone, and building muscle to become stronger.

...and I also want to continue the "City by Shoes" trends. You can look for that some time after Memorial Weekend. Let's just say, this will be one of the very first years I won't be in Indiana for the Indianapolis 500... :)

It's Go Time!

Where have the last 22 days gone? Or the last few months of training for that matter?! I can’t believe it’s race-week already for my first half marathon, the OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini Marathon in Indianapolis.

Am I’m ready? Mentally, I’m actually better than I thought I’d be this week. I haven’t been super nervous, and as I picked up more race fuel yesterday I felt like I could tackle the world. But physically? No, I’m not ready. I haven’t been able to complete the plan according to schedule without a break for injury, but I’m as close as I can be and I won’t back down.

Through tapering and playing around with mileage, I’ve been able to run at least 9 miles during a long run, maintaining at least 12:00 min/mi, sometimes 12:30, however I’ve found I’m exhausted after 9. My legs were not happy with me Sunday, but I’ve bounced back much quicker than I thought I would, which gives me hope. No soreness today! We can chalk it up to chocolate milk, right? (By the way – yummiest recovery I’ve ever had! I WILL be chugging it after the race.)

I’ve nailed down my nutrition plan for my first half marathon using gummy chews either from Honey Stinger (thanks for the tip, Mark!), or the CLIF Shot Blocks. I’ve found GU’s or gels in general are the nastiest thing I have ever ate, and though they do not make me feel nauseous, they are warmed up with body heat in my belt. If I had them ice-cold or cool, I could probably choke them down, however I’m just not a fan. Another bonus with the Honey Stingers? The chews give me something to “chew” on, keeping me busy during at least a portion of the run. I plan to fuel up around the 4^th mile, as I find I fade around 6 or 7 if I don’t, as well as probably around 8, and then again around 11 if I’m feeling zapped to give me a needed boost to get to the finish line.

I’m a little worried about hydration personally, though there will be plenty of water and Gatorade, or “Pit Stops” as they named in true racing fashion, stationed along the route about every mile. I just need to make sure I swing by, and keeping drinking so I don’t get dehydrated. You can see them in the course map below:

If you aren’t exactly familiar with the map above, here’s a handy video from 2012, showing the course I’ll be running on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sB6uQfNXJ3s&feature=youtu.be

The OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini Marathon, or the “Mini” as it’s called, is the nation’s largest half marathon, with it being the 7^th largest running event in the United States. Just as it’s sang to kick off the Indianapolis 500 every year, “Back Home Again in Indiana” will be performed before the first gun sounds. Kicking off my favorite month to be a Hoosier, the Mini Marathon is kind of the first “event” in a month-long celebration of our proud racing heritage. It makes me giddy just thinking I’ll be a part of it this year!

You’ll also be able to track me on the course while I’m running using the new app created for the Mini Marathon! More info located here:

http://www.500festival.com/RunnerTracking

You can find me by my bib number (26446), and each time I cross one of the 4 splits (one being the famed yard of bricks at Indianapolis Motor Speedway!), my timing will update through the app. (Though I’m not too concerned with time. Let me be clear. See my goals below.) Of course, I’ll have plenty of pictures through my Twitter account, too! I’ve enlisted Mr. K for his fab photography skills. (Inside joke.) Make sure to follow me @AshleyK199 :)

The race officially begins at 7:45a, with Wave 1 of runners taking off at 7:48a. Me, being the super-fast, agile, elite runner (hint: sarcasm) that I am, I’m bringing up the back of the pack. I purposely over-estimated my start time at 13:00 min/mi, placing me in Corral W, or the 5^th and final wave of the race. I’m due in my corral by 8:30a, however I’m sure I’ll be there much sooner, too excited and nervous for words. Wave 5’s start time is 8:45a, with the last runner or walker due in by 12:48p at the finish.

I plan to (no brainer) stop to kiss the ever-famous yard of bricks at Indianapolis Motor Speedway, however my fear is that when I do I will, A.) break cadence, (it happened Saturday with a “pit stop” and I had a hard time finding my groove for the last half of my 9-miler), B.) not be able to get back up, or C.) both.

My goals for the day are pretty plain and simple for someone running their first half-marathon, with the exception of the last:

1. Finish. (Preferably in under 3 hours, but I’m not pressuring myself on timing. I just want to finish.)

2. Don’t die. (I have a friend who is a nurse working the medical tent for the race. I love you Erin but no offense, I don’t want to see you Saturday. I know you will understand!)

3. Stay off the trail bus. (The trail bus runs at 18:00 min/mi, gathering up those who either are too slow of set timing regulations or those who cannot finish the race, in order to clear the course to resume normal traffic operations after the Mini in Indianapolis.)

4. Pucker up, butter cup! We’re kissing bricks! ;)

I’m going to need all of the luck and determination I can get to get through this. It’s not an easy feat, but I’m excited none the less. The course is packed with more than 80 bands and forms of entertainment, as well as a spirit competition occurring at the same time, with several cheer squads from high schools across the state. I’ve been told (shoutout and many thanks to@DJDaveSnow) to make sure my ear buds are out of my ears before I enter Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Bagpipers, yeah!

In the end, I’ll have a shiny new medal to adorn my beautiful plaque on my wall that says, “Celebrate every mile,” given to me by a dear friend (I still miss you Robin!) before she moved.

In addition to the medal, I’ll get a free beer, chocolate milk, plenty more freebies, a lap around the beautiful IMS (on foot), and the dirtiest kiss I’ve ever had plus a post-race party; but it’s much more than just material things I can touch or hold. It’s the sense of accomplishment, knowing that my drive and determination have paid off, that I can proudly say I went from 250 lbs to a half-marathoner in less than five years, and the fact that I can do anything I put my mind to. That means much more to me than you’ll ever know…

Blogger’s Note: I want to thank Mr. K himself for being my rock of support through training; the laughing about “coming to Jesus meetings” and “pit stops,” holding me while I’ve cried over a knee injury or foot issue. He mentioned last night how proud of me, and that all I could do was apologize for being so stubborn and “determined.” It’s what makes our marriage tick, I suppose?

I'm Only Human

I've fallen off the wagon.

Actually? It hit a bump, threw me off, backed up, and ran over me.

What can I say? I've ate like total sh*t lately. I've tried to clean it up, but I feel miserable. And guilty.

I really have tried, with good intention, but ya know that little thing I always mention about my stress eating? Times it by a zillion in the past few weeks.

I feel horrible. I feel disgusting. I'm stressed, emotional, and a total wreck, and I've ate like it too.

Not only have I used the excuse that "I'll be running tomorrow/tonight/next week/God knows when so have at it sister," today we laid my mother in law to rest after an incredibly stressful three weeks; three weeks I hope to never repeat again in my life.

So how bad has my eating got? Try six cookies for dinner Sunday night to the point I had a bellyache and couldn't sleep. What did I eat tonight, when all intents were to make a huge/yummy/leftover-veggie salad? A slice of banana bread and a split blueberry muffin with loads of honey butter.

I keep saying, "tomorrow is a new day," but for some reason, I don't believe myself. I've cheated myself, not only with food and calories, but I've made myself feel this way; the guilt, shame, and embarrassment because I've "let myself go." (Granted, I know it's only been three weeks, but come on. It's a slippery slope, folks.)

Yes, I've gained weight. Has it been much? No. Just 1.6 pounds, but I feel miserable. I can just tell the difference.

So my goal for this next week? Clean it up.

I'm not saying no more sweets, just sweets in moderation (not inhaling at the site of goodies). I'm a firm believe that moderation is okay; you absolutely cannot deprive yourself because it just makes it worse. I want to be able to have one or two sweet treats a week, but limit myself, as I know I feel much, much better when I'm eating better (in addition to running and working out).

I feel better about myself when I feel healthy. Since feeling better about myself was my resolution for 2014, I want to focus on it again. Get away from the crap, if you will.

In addition to all of the craziness Mr. K and I've faced in the past few weeks, one positive note is that I've kept with my half marathon training, as it's been a way for me to let go and de-stress. I've kept on schedule, and things are starting to take shape. I'm actually doing it! Ha! Who knew?!

I have officially ordered my second pair of running shoes, going with Brooks Ghost 6 again (which I love!), after finding out I should have replaced them a loooooong time ago. No wonder I've had calf soreness? #facepalm

While testing out new shoes (I also love the Newton Gravity's!) by running up and down the sidewalk like a madwoman running through town, I also picked up some nutrition to start giving it a shot. I'm at the point to where my long runs are now six miles or more lasting longer than an hour, and after running and bonking during 5 miles last week, it's time to start testing out what I like, what makes me sick, and what just won't work. This is a whoooooooole new adventure, folks.

Here's what I went with to test out first:

The gels are freaking me out a little, as I'm not crazy about the texture anyway, but I also picked up chews and sport beans to give them a shot. It's all about experimenting, seeing what works, what fuels me longer, and what just won't do.

In addition, this week's scheduled long run Saturday is 6 miles. At first, (because I'm a total dork and can't count on one hand to save my life), I had thought I was supposed to run a scheduled 10K or 7 miles this week. Well, that's next week. But conveniently, a local high school is hosting a 5k run/walk and 10k run, benefiting one of their student clubs. Why not, right? I do plan to take some nutrition with me, as I want to test it out at about mile 4 or 45 minutes in to running, whichever comes first. (It just won't be a gel. I don't want to get sick in front of people I know!)

I've also reached out to a few runner-friends and acquaintances from the community who I know have ran half marathons or full marathons before. I've had lots of wonderful advice shared with me, including tips about nutrition, tips about the Mini itself, tips about not eating Bengay (when thinking it's an energy gel, tips about getting clothes from clearance racks to shed/donate to charity when dressing in layers the day of the race, while also making sure I shed my earbuds shortly before entering Indianapolis Motor Speedway to hear bagpipers along the route. Knowing cheerleading squads cheering your name (listed on your bib), bands, bagpipers, and amazing volunteers will line the entire 13.1 mile route, while participating in not only one of the biggest half marathons in the nation, causes me to have instant goosebumps. You name it, it's all been passed on to me, and I am extremely grateful for the wealth of information leading up to race day! With this being my first half, I'm nervous, as expected, since it's pretty much fear of the unknown. I'm trying to do my best to prep for the race, and even though I'm nervous, I'm also very excited.

Closer to race day, I'll also have more information available, usually about the week before, regarding social media, race details, maps, etc. I plan to register both my Twitter account and Facebook information so that family, friends, and acquaintances can follow along during my race via automatic updates from my bib chip. What did we ever do before technology?! (This makes me geek out because I can't wait for you all to share in my progress too!)

In addition, I've also set my three personal goals for the race:

• Finish. (AKA: Don't die.)
• Stay off the trail bus. (Picking up anyone over the required 18 min/mile pace.)
• Kiss some bricks ;)

The 500 Festival Mini Marathon is officially just 50 days away and counting!

The Peanut Gallery

I've been meaning to write this blog for sometime, addressing one thing in particular that absolutely drives me up a wall during my weight loss journey. But let me first say that I appreciate all of the support my friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances learning my "story," and anyone else who has cheered me on in hopes of becoming a "better" me. It's still extremely humbling to know I have such an amazing support network behind me, and to this day, it still feels so undeserving. I can't begin to thank each and every one of you for all of the support, cheers, and positive thoughts you've given me, but I can say this: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. :)

Now on to the post.... (Deep breath, Ash.)

The "Peanut Gallery."

It happens weekly; the questions about my weight loss I get are almost predictable, but it has been four years.

"How much weight have you lost?"

"How are you doing it?"

"How do you stay on track?"

"You must work out constantly?"

...and then my favorites (hint: sarcasm ahead):

"I bet you don't eat any cheeseburgers, do you?"

"Oh, another salad today?"

"Are you sure you don't have an eating disorder?"

"You mean you actually ate a carb?" (Yes, someone actually has asked me that, to which I replied, "I eat them everyday." *Smile. Walk-away.*)

"When are you going to stop losing weight?"

The last one has honestly been nails on the chalkboard as of late for me, with several folks asking/commenting, or telling me I've lost "too much." Just as a close family member suggested I had an eating disorder at Thanksgiving because "I've lost too much weight and need to stop," I'm starting to hear those words again from several, and I can honestly say they cut just as deep as the comments I had when I was "fat."

I know I should be comfortable with myself enough that I shouldn't hang on to these words, however it's hard. It really is.

But I want to make this very clear: I eat. I eat a lot. And I eat to fuel my body.

No, I am not starving myself. (I couldn't. I, A) am trying to be smart about what I'm doing, as I want to be healthy, not skinny, and B) really, really love food that much.)

No, I'm not working out every waking moment of the day. I have a life, and I like to live it, even if school is taking away from "social time."

If I know that I'm going to have a large meal (or one that might test my calorie maintenance "limit" for the day), I run. I run to eat. And when I mean eat, I mean eat. I can still put food away, and I'm not ashamed of it.


...but I can tell you what is happening: I'm losing inches, as my goal now is to maintain, but tone. I have quite a bit of loose skin, stretch marks, cellulite, or any other fun things that comes with losing 110+ pounds. It's not pleasant, I don't like it, but I'm working to improve myself so that I am happy with how I look, and who I am as a whole. I have not lost any weight on the scale number-wise, and honestly, I'm shifting my focus away from it. I will not let food or the scale rule me, as I want to be able to share the ever-amazing Mississippi Mud Pie I did yesterday with a close friend/former coworker and not feel bad about it. (It was delish, by the way. I don't feel bad about it, either.)

...and I really don't want you, the reader, to take this post the wrong way. Please, don't. I'm not trying to come across as selfish, but the words about being "too skinny" cut just as deep as when they were about being "fat."

Bottom line: I am not starving myself for "image." I promise you.

So I will leave you with this:

Be happy. Be healthy. But most importantly, be you. (And be happy with "you!")

Ready to Ring in 2014

Last year, to kick off 2013, I set a resolution of hitting my weight loss goal of 100 pounds, while entering my healthy weight range for the first time since who knows when. It certainly still doesn’t feel as if I’ve arrived at my “destination” of healthiness. Hell, I still feel I eat like garbage, or that I could be doing more than what I currently am regarding working out, cardio or strength training. But the only thing I can really think of is, “Wow. I finally stuck to a resolution. How ‘bout that?”

I’m honestly always at a loss for resolutions. I hate setting them. I never stick to them. (Except for last year’s, but who really does?) There’s always the, “I’m going to work out more. Go to the Gym. Eat better,” resolution, but I’m already living that as best I can. I could’ve gone with the, “I’ll go to more hockey games,” but my husband shot that down. I thought about being more “carefree” but who am I kidding? I wouldn’t be me without worry.

Mr. K and I were discussing what we thought our resolutions could be for 2014, just random conversation during the 45 minute drive home from Christmas celebrations with my family. After about five minutes of giggling, serious tones, and several, “Are you really going to stick with that?!,” I thought to myself, “I want to be happier with  myself.” So I ran it by him. He adamantly agreed.

I’ll be honest, even after losing 110 pounds, I haven’t been able to actually look at myself in the mirror and feel satisfied or happy with what I see. Mr. K hears it all the time, especially in the past few days after gluttonous feasts on Christmas goodies (and tooooooooooo many cookies to count). I haven’t felt exactly my best, and with surgery and not being able to run or really workout (my words, I could’ve worked out but I used it as an excuse), really put me down for the past few months. I try not to focus on the negative, but I still find it hard, especially on days I feel “fat.” (And lately, that’s been more than not.)

I don’t know where the negative thinking really comes from. Is it negative feelings caused by emotional scars from past experiences? Am I just not confident enough with who I am? (That’s improved drastically in my twenties, though. I used to NEVER go up and talk to anyone I didn’t know. Now? Hell, no problem! I’m one of the friendliest and approachable girls you’ll meet!) But I only ever want to feel good about myself, and if that means letting go of negative thoughts, the past, whatever, I’ll do it. In 2014.

So that’s my goal, my resolution. New year, new outlook.

Just as I was thinking and browsing Facebook on my lunch hour today, Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat., and also one of my favorite Twitter/Facebook/all around rock star friends, posted this bit from Mind, Body, Green, and I think really hammers home what I’m hoping to accomplish with my resolution for 2014. (You have impeccable timing, Dacia!) Here are a few highlights I personally want to improve upon most:

ü  2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

ü  3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

Anyone that knows me, knows this may be the hardest. Thanks to Mr. K, I’m known as “The Planner.”

ü  5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

Bahahahahahaha! Ok. Better.

ü  8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

ü  10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

And the two I feel are most important overall:

ü  19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

ü  20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!

…and speaking of celebrations, this morning’s physical therapy session went amazingly well, with my PTA saying, “You won’t be here long.” Testing the waters and pushing my luck at four weeks post-op, I asked, “When do you think I can attempt to run?” …and she said…I quote, “You can run whenever you’re comfortable. Just take it easy, and know that you may be sore. Ice and Ibuprofen are still your closest friends.”

Wait. What? I CAN RUN AGAIN???

Of course, I definitely plan to take it easy. I can’t go out and run three miles flat with no problem. There will be problems if I even attempt it. I haven’t ran since mid-October and we’re approaching January.

So what’s my plan?

Currently, it’s cold. I don’t like cold weather and unless it’s 45 degrees with no wind but plenty of sun, I won’t run outside. I do have the dreadmill, and that’s where I plan to start, beginning Couch to 5k completely over. From scratch. Week 1 of 9. I am hoping that I can stay on pace so that come February, I can start in for half training, using a run/walk plan a Twitter friend passed on to me. At this point, I don’t know or even expect to be able to run the entire Indy Mini, I’ll need to walk some, but I just want to complete it. That’s what’s on my bucket list and at the end of 13.1 miles, just crossing the finish line will be sweet enough. Thinking about it gives me goosebumps, and if I want to run the entire thing, there is always May 2015. Or the Air Force Half, or the Flying Pig, both in Ohio in Fall 2014. We’ll see.

For right now, I’m just focused on completing Couch to 5k again, getting myself back in running shape to around 9+ miles per week average. From there, who knows?

The sky’s the limit. I know. I still can’t fathom losing the equivalent of a person, let alone running one mile, or even three, in one sitting. But I’ve done it. So now, I’m setting sights on 2014, and pray that it’s even better than 2013. If it is, I won’t know how to act!

Thank you for continuing to read my posts, as well as giving me support! It means the world to me! So, Happy New Year! I hope that 2014 brings you many blessings! :)