Going "Au Naturale"

...and before you think I'm going to bare anything, stop right there. Nooooooooo way will that happen. Not with me.

As I've said before, I'm currently training for my second half marathon, in addition to the Ragnar Relay Cape Cod. (...while in school, searching for an internship, working full-time, working part-time. I do sleep. I swear it.) But in my recovery experience from my first half marathon (AKA: 'Satan's Wrath'), and the fact I'm starting my longer runs that span over an hour, I've started to research and scope out a refueling plan. This is the fun part, at least I think so, since I get to eat!

...and yes, on long runs, runners get to eat. It's a 1/3 part relief, 1/3 part prevention of bonking or "hitting the wall," and 1/3 part chaotic coordination and realization of not having enough hands.

For the Mini, and even in my maintenance (lately, weight-gain) phase, or "continuation of living," I've been trying to introduce and focus on increasing more natural foods and minimal-ingredient choices in my diet. Well, it's worked as I feel better physically, however I've gained about 9 of my 115 pound loss back, in addition to an inch on my waist. It's frustrating me currently (a pain in my ass and thorn in my side), especially when I've been trying to focus on watching what I eat. In that same breath, I'm also trying to focus on being happy, eating a cupcake if I I want it, though after working hard for it (through running, workouts, etc.). Oh, the conundrum.

(Translation: I want to eat THE ENTIRE PAN OF BROWNIES and not gain an ounce. Funny how that hasn't worked.)

In my quest for mid-run fuel, I'm hoping to go the 'au naturale' route, or at least natural or more raw foods to help sustain me, versus using goops, gels, chomps, etc. I didn't have the best experience with what I used last year, though I believe I was rather dehydrated and not replacing fluids as one should. To put it mildly - I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. (Also: I'm a dumbass. When they say don't change up your routine on race day, don't change up on your race day. Rookie mistake.)

I've thrown around a few options, including supplements from a nutrition store, using chews or gummy blocks to get me through again this year, but I want to avoid processed sugars, manufactured ingredients, etc. Thankfully, I've found a few options or ideas for "natural" fuel through Runner's World and...

...Pinterest.

All truth.

I'm not only looking for 'Hey Girl' memes, folks. (But this one did make me laugh... Just passing on a smile, and Ryan Gosling. *Swoon.* You're welcome.)

Uh. Yes.

I'm totally digressing, here.

Typically, if you're only working out for an hour-ish or shorter (75 minutes per Runner's World), replacing "fuel in your tank" isn't needed until after; however, since I'll be pounding out 13.1 for over two hours (goal: sub-2:30 and laying a wet-one on the famed "yard of bricks"), I will need something. Last year, I refueled around mile 9 to push me through, after completing my lap around the track, and it seemed to be the boost I needed.

...but in my quest for suggestions to give a more natural fuel source a shot, I've found a good article on Greatist outlining options other than just the "typical" choices.

Wait.

Gummy Bears?! Twizzlers?! Mini-marshmallows like my mom used to buy for hot chocolate?!

I like training. Training's fun!

Now, before I get my hopes up, I'm not planning to opt for those, though I have considered throwing a gummy bear or two in my "fuel tank" for reward. On the list, though, is dried fruit. It didn't smack me in the face that I could use dried fruit, as it's low in protein and fiber, until last night. (Fellow runners will understand the importance - there is nothing worse than having a ticked off tummy, running toward the nearest port-o-let, not the finish line. I'll spare the rest.)

What I'm in search of is something like dried fruit - fuel that's low in protein, low in fiber, high in carbohydrates (since that's what your body is using to run for so long - it's suggested for every hour running, you should replace 30-60g of carbohydrates), with some sodium included, (you sweat out salt, too) but lower in calories. Dried fruit isn't the best in calories or sugars, but after running for 2 1/2 hours, that isn't really my concern; completion, survival, success and quick recovery is my concern.

While visiting my mom last night back home briefly, we were discussing her latest finds at Trader Joe's, one of her favorite stores. One of her if only I could sneak them out purchases was dried apricots. I LOVE dried apricots, and used to eat them quite frequently as a kid.

(Please note: I've tried using pitted dates before to run with, but dates are not my favorite dried fruit, nor are they easy to handle during a run. Hands get sticky, they stick to my teeth, it's just not pleasant. I want something "pleasant.")

While scoping out her score, I flipped the package of dried apricots over, and...

Would ya look at that?

Just the nutrition I was looking for to get me through!

In a choice of dried fruit, between apricots, mango or pineapple, apricots win, but I would mind mixing all three in to individual servings for race day. They sell dried fruit at our local bulk foods-Amish market (it's THE best to visit if you are ever in the area), so it's easily attainable and dividable. And consumable. ;)

Dried fruit is super portable in a ziploc, something I can carry in my belt during my half in May, or in throw in to my carry on for my trip to Boston the week after. I already like to throw them in a bag with almonds or other yummy ingredients, stashing them in a pocket or backpack when I head to the race track.

Easy. Peasy.

What hasn't been easy? Maintenance.

One can easily look at the MyFitnessPal weight loss counter up to the right on the page and see I'm no longer at 115 pounds down. In recent weeks, I've really struggled, especially today after stepping on the scale to see a number I had not expected. That's why you're getting memes and GIFs for this post. (I'm secretly trying to brighten my day with humor. I'll surf the humor board on Pinterest after this for a quick laugh.)

I haven't been able to find a "happy medium" - that magic number of calories burned versus calories consumed to maintain a constant weight. I've gained 9 pounds since October, and I'm starting to get frustrated in that I haven't been able to stay consistent, even if I've kept my caloric intake on most days around 1500-1600. *Exception here or there on run days for rewards. I'm definitely not eating over 3500 calories per week.



Nothing has worked.

I've buckled down on measuring food, cut calories consumed thinking I'm eating too much, increased calories consumed thinking maybe I'm not eating enough. The only thing I haven't done is work out more, as I'm already tapped as it is with half training/running. For a few months, strength training was involved, so I just blamed the gain on "muscle weight," however in the past few weeks, I've slipped off a bit, only running three times per week. But 9 pounds?! I'm not sitting here eating Ben & Jerry's for dinner like I used to.

Bottom line: I just want to find that happy balance of activity and food consumed. I want to have a good relationship with food, and to live. I haven't, and in the process, I feel like I'm failing, even if that's truly not the case. The weight is going back on just as fast as it came off; I'm going in the wrong direction.

Whoever said maintenance was harder than the actual weight loss was easier than maintenance (to which I had mocked them saying, 'Yeah, right.') - you nailed it. I'm sorry I even questioned it.

But in the search of that happy medium, I have a new toy. My loving husband knew how badly I wanted the Fitbit Charge HR, an activity band that not only calculates calories burned, steps taken, stairs climbed, etc. - this one includes a heart rate monitor to more accurately track what I burn in activity. I wanted something I could wear daily, an activity tracker that can better assist me in maintaining health, yet push me to be better. So far, so good, however it's pointed out how sedentary my work day really is.

So in this, I'm throwing every idea in the book, including increasing activity or scheduling an appointment with my doctor to see what my next course of action should be. I'm also considering seeing a nutritionist to help out, and to help me find that balance of happy with food.

In the meantime, positive vibes are much appreciated. I'll keep plugging away as I always do. I'm so very thankful I'm even able to be on this journey. Many are far less fortunate than I am in whatever may be going on in their lives, I'm lucky and know that I am blessed for this experience.

If I could just be blessed with a bit more patience... (Don't laugh Mr. K.)

"You'll never know if you don't try."

...I know, mom. And I only hope you're proud of me for living through your quote. I wouldn't be here in my journey if this isn't what you said when I told you I decided to lose weight. :)

I wasn't actually planning to submit anything when I first saw Brooke from Brooke Not On A Diet's retweet this morning of Shape Magazine's call for women to submit their weight loss stories.

Would you like to be featured in the magazine with @babnotonadiet​? Send your story to youinshape@shape.com.
— Shape Magazine (@Shape_Magazine) May 9, 2014

I'm a little uneasy with the fact that I may or may not have to pose in a bikini. Do I hope to some day? Yes. Confidently? Double yes.

...but Brooke has inspired me; inspired me enough to run in just a sports bra and running shorts last night, loose skin, nerves, and all. I'm sure it'll be the talk of church come Sunday, that I was out running in "next to nothing," but honestly - my husband was ok with it. (As curt as it sounds - his opinion is really the only one I care about when it comes to something like this. Wow. I really am growing up, huh? Ha!)

But as one of my favorite persons of all time and a favorite blogger too, Dacia over at My Roots To Grow, mentioned this morning in her blog post, I'm not really out for the promotion of my blog, or to "sell" my story. I honestly don't have much time to promote my blog as much as I would love to, with working full-time, racing stuff on weekends, and school mixed in. However, I do want to share my story so that others can be inspired. That's the only reason why I chose to even form this blog to begin with, much less submit something to Shape.

...and the fact that I'm still petrified to rock a bikini, gulp, in public, freeeeeeeeeaks me out. But I have several folks who have already said they will go bikini shopping with me if needed. I can't even begin to thank each and everyone I'm surrounded by, who continue to give me support and encouraging words either personally or via social media.

So, without further adieu, here's what I submitted to Shape, along with the photos I attached, in response to the above tweet:

 
For me, when I set out on my "weight loss journey" about four years ago, I didn't plan to lose triple digits - 116+ pounds total now - I just wanted to be healthy (NOT skinny). Cardiac health issues run deep in my family, and I've watched my Opa (German for grandfather) go through at the time 4, now 5, heart attacks, all due to poor diet in the past. Throw in personal insecurities, bullying trauma and virtually no self esteem left over from high school (and the fact I couldn't wear fashions I wanted to as a young twenty-something because I had to shop in the "older lady section" of a department store) I knew something had to change. It was just time. On my wedding day in October 2009, I tipped the scale at 250 lbs., morbidly obese but in denial. About 6 months after I married my husband, I knew something had to change, and I joined a national weight loss program, only setting a goal to see where losing 25 pounds would get me. Never did I ever imagine that it would lead to my healthy lifestyle change. I've chronicled the good, bad, and ugly through my blog attheemotionalride.blogspot.com, covering all things from the highs of completing my first half marathon last month after taking up running last summer, to the struggles I still deal with in the dressing room mirror at the mall, and everything in between in hopes to inspire.

The past four years are very hard to summarize in just one email, especially the feelings I have battled and triumphed over, while only hoping to inspire others to make a change for themselves, and for the better, while also bettering my body for having kids some day in the future. I knew that if I wanted to have children, to prevent a high risk issue, something also needed to change. My husband and my mother have been my rock the entire way, cheering me on or holding me while I cry and let go of feelings from the past. What the four years have given me is enough confidence and drive to accomplish what I love, including my first ever half marathon in Indianapolis. I'm truly, finally happy, while also "finding myself" in the process.

Though I've reached and surpassed my goal of losing 100 pounds, my journey continues everyday with my struggles of food, but also toning and continuing to maintain what I've worked for. It's a lifelong journey, not a "quick fix."

Thank you for taking time to read my, albeit short, summary of my weight loss journey. I have attached some pictures showing the progress I've made.

My Before vs. After/Current Progress - approx 115 lbs difference.

I can usually count the seconds it takes someone visiting my office to either, A) double-take, B) ask if that's my sister (nope, I have a brother), C) ask how much weight I've lost, or D) all of the above.

 

For the first time in my life, inspired by Brooke, I bared midriff while running in just a sports bra & shorts. It was both nerve-wrecking AND freeing.

Completing my first half marathon, not expecting to ever have the opportunity when adding it to my bucket list, tipping the scales at 250 lbs. But I did.

                                                                                                                                                                 

Do I honestly think something is going to come of this? No, honestly I don't. I'm sure there are plenty of other women out there that have better reasons than me, have a more interesting "hook" than my story does when deciding to take their life in their own hands to make a change for the better, and definitely deserve the praise and recognition. 

But regardless, for all of the love and support I've been given, thank you. For those who've said I'm a warrior, an inspiration, a driving force, or a reason to decide to lose weight or change their lifestyle, that humbles me incredibly, because I never ever thought I'd get this far, much less influence or inspire someone. 

I truly thank each and every person in my life for allowing me to accomplish this.

Can't I Just Stay Healthy? Pretty Please?!

The Universe's answer?

No.

I've never been so aggravated and upset this week, and this honestly tops the irritation I had knee surgery. Why? Because I'm 6 weeks out to the Mini Marathon, SIX, and I have my hotel reserved, goops bought, new shoes, outfit planned, etc.

I've been pretty much bawling my eyes out all week.

So what happened?

I decided to push my scheduled runs off by a day, since Monday night I didn't get home until 9:30. I didn't exactly want to be on the treadmill running 5 miles until 11:30 at night so I decided to go to bed, push it off until Tuesday, and use the gym at the university I attend. I did just that.

While running my scheduled 5 miles on Tuesday night, something in my right foot (totally different leg than the knee I had operated on) started to hurt. My first reaction was, "Ok. Just see if it's a muscle spasm. Run it out. Push through"

Ha! Yeah... Right...

At mile 4 I couldn't take it anymore. I had a pain in the top of my foot, a little off center, that started to throw my running gait off. The only thing different I had done was bump up the speed a bit, however it was only by .1 or .2 of MPH to where I was at 5.5. I was able to maintain it for 4 miles, so why at 4 did my foot start to hurt?

I've done the usual - RICE (Rest, Ice, Compress, Elevate), while also downing Ibuprofen and using Rexall like it's going out of style. I'm trying to keep it loose, by rotating my ankle, flexing it every so often, etc. But I've narrowed it down... I think... (Because I have MD after my name; didn't you know that?!)

It's either one of two things:

1. Stress Fracture
2. Tendon/strain/muscle ache

I really, really, really, really, really it's the second option, as the only way to heal a stress fracture is to stop and let it heal.

With 6 (SIX) weeks left until the Mini Marathon...

You have got to be f*cking kidding me.

My thought process is this - that if it were a stress fracture, I wouldn't be able to walk. At times it hurts, at times it aches, at times it doesn't. That leads me to believe it's more of a muscle strain or tendon issue.

I'll be seeing a doc tomorrow to see what I should probably do, but honestly, I'll take a Cortisone shot for one in the foot, please! Just let me get through May 3 healthy, unhurt, with a medal around my neck. That's all I ask for. Normal programming resumes after... Or at least, healing and recovery.

In addition though, I wasn't mentally prepared for my 5 mile run that night - I just wanted to get it over with. I've been noticing, with longer runs, I haven't been as excited as I used to when I was just running 9 miles per week on average. I was happy, running a 5k here or there for the fun of it; now I'm afraid I might be getting a little burnt out with running. It's more of a chore than a stress-reliever, if that makes sense?

I have such a stubborn and determined drive, that I will not let this cause me to fail - I'm stronger than that, but this bump in the road has really knocked me on my ass. It's a blow to my gut, steel ovaries, and ego as I honestly sometimes forget I'm not Super Woman. I just want to get through this half marathon, complete my dream, and move on.

But with six weeks out to the Mini, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever achieve this...

I honestly feel like I'm failing.

The Peanut Gallery

I've been meaning to write this blog for sometime, addressing one thing in particular that absolutely drives me up a wall during my weight loss journey. But let me first say that I appreciate all of the support my friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances learning my "story," and anyone else who has cheered me on in hopes of becoming a "better" me. It's still extremely humbling to know I have such an amazing support network behind me, and to this day, it still feels so undeserving. I can't begin to thank each and every one of you for all of the support, cheers, and positive thoughts you've given me, but I can say this: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. :)

Now on to the post.... (Deep breath, Ash.)

The "Peanut Gallery."

It happens weekly; the questions about my weight loss I get are almost predictable, but it has been four years.

"How much weight have you lost?"

"How are you doing it?"

"How do you stay on track?"

"You must work out constantly?"

...and then my favorites (hint: sarcasm ahead):

"I bet you don't eat any cheeseburgers, do you?"

"Oh, another salad today?"

"Are you sure you don't have an eating disorder?"

"You mean you actually ate a carb?" (Yes, someone actually has asked me that, to which I replied, "I eat them everyday." *Smile. Walk-away.*)

"When are you going to stop losing weight?"

The last one has honestly been nails on the chalkboard as of late for me, with several folks asking/commenting, or telling me I've lost "too much." Just as a close family member suggested I had an eating disorder at Thanksgiving because "I've lost too much weight and need to stop," I'm starting to hear those words again from several, and I can honestly say they cut just as deep as the comments I had when I was "fat."

I know I should be comfortable with myself enough that I shouldn't hang on to these words, however it's hard. It really is.

But I want to make this very clear: I eat. I eat a lot. And I eat to fuel my body.

No, I am not starving myself. (I couldn't. I, A) am trying to be smart about what I'm doing, as I want to be healthy, not skinny, and B) really, really love food that much.)

No, I'm not working out every waking moment of the day. I have a life, and I like to live it, even if school is taking away from "social time."

If I know that I'm going to have a large meal (or one that might test my calorie maintenance "limit" for the day), I run. I run to eat. And when I mean eat, I mean eat. I can still put food away, and I'm not ashamed of it.


...but I can tell you what is happening: I'm losing inches, as my goal now is to maintain, but tone. I have quite a bit of loose skin, stretch marks, cellulite, or any other fun things that comes with losing 110+ pounds. It's not pleasant, I don't like it, but I'm working to improve myself so that I am happy with how I look, and who I am as a whole. I have not lost any weight on the scale number-wise, and honestly, I'm shifting my focus away from it. I will not let food or the scale rule me, as I want to be able to share the ever-amazing Mississippi Mud Pie I did yesterday with a close friend/former coworker and not feel bad about it. (It was delish, by the way. I don't feel bad about it, either.)

...and I really don't want you, the reader, to take this post the wrong way. Please, don't. I'm not trying to come across as selfish, but the words about being "too skinny" cut just as deep as when they were about being "fat."

Bottom line: I am not starving myself for "image." I promise you.

So I will leave you with this:

Be happy. Be healthy. But most importantly, be you. (And be happy with "you!")

Post-Surgery Update (3 Weeks late...)

Well, I survived surgery, and I'm surviving in the midst of recovery. (Bonus: I also survived Finals week post-surgery with two A's, and I didn't kill anyone in the process. Oh, thank you Lord!)

We're going in to Week 3 post-surgery and things are progressing, you could say, after knee surgery. We're not progressing as quickly as I'd hoped, but if I had my way, I would have been running on the treadmill the day after surgery. Not exactly realistic, (I get that) but I'm getting there.

Week 1 saw much frustration for me, and I wasn't exactly my happiest I've been. I couldn't walk normally until about the Friday after surgery (and thank goodness I did; meeting new folks and attending a motorsports tradeshow wasn't exactly business-like if I had been limping around). Physical therapy, began two days after surgery, has had its ups and downs. The first appointment brought me tears and frustration, thoughts of never being able to walk "normal" again, let alone actually running. I didn't hurt (I never actually did hurt), as everyone still asks me if I'm in pain. No, it was more stiffness; lack of movement, or as I liked to refer to it as "dragging a peg leg around." Measurement and comparisons of range of motion were aggravating, however it set a goal for me to meet; something I could work on and gain back. Hope wasn't exactly lost.

It was explained to me at my first PT appointment, that a normal person's knee should bend at around 120 degrees, my right bending 145 (overachiever, I know). My left, the one in which I had the scope and meniscus repaired, only bent at 94 degrees two days after surgery. With prescribed exercises though, by the second appointment,  I was bending at 118 degrees, much improvement from the appointment before.

During Week 1, I also had my follow up post-op appointment with the surgeon. Things looked so good that I was officially released from their care that day, and that I could resume "any activity as I saw fit." Hmph. Hooray! But that was a bit of a loaded statement...

Week 2 saw many improvements, including being able to walk "normally" again. I attended one of the biggest motorsport trade shows the Friday after surgery, and managed rather well during, however the day after, after being on my feet for more than eight hours, wasn't exactly the greatest, and resumed limping again. Add in ice and rest, I was walking again normally within two days. Yeah for progress!

I'm currently in Week 3, and things have started to progress much better! I'm still a little swollen and sore around the incision sites, but I finally have my range of motion back to the full extent. I've started slight weight-bearing exercises, while also starting a scar massage each night to break up any scar tissue that began to form. In physical therapy, I've been reintroduced to the elliptical and bike, hoping to build on aerobics again. I was also told I could run again this past Sunday, just not pushing it too far for too long, dependent upon how I felt Saturday after using the equipment. I decided against it, as I didn't want to put myself too far, potentially reinjuring whatever could've been fixed (even if the doctor said I couldn't damage anything further). I just don't feel like I'm quite ready.

Diet-wise, things took a nosedive this past weekend, as we celebrated Christmas with my grandparents and family. My Oma constantly has sweets and cookies abound, and let's just say I could've easily ate my weight in cookies. Actually, it was more like, I did. I've tried to clean things up again this week, but Christmas isn't easy on my waistline or diet. I know I'll get back into a routine very soon, however it's still hard, especially since I give in to food-temptations really, really easily. This too shall pass, right? Feedback. It's "feedback." But even with "feedback," I'm frustrated with myself, however I know I can't be perfect. I wasn't for three and a half years, but still lost the weight with time.

I am hoping (read: praying desperately) I can run again soon, as I feel time is starting to get away from me regarding training for the Mini, my first half-marathon. At this point, for me it's going to be walk, run, or crawl to finish, however I want to be smart about it and try to run as much as I can before, but not killing myself in the process. I plan to start Couch to 5K all over again, and that will take about 9 weeks if I don't progress any quicker than when I first started running. I really should be running 12 total miles per week by February to start training comfortably for the Mini, however February is 2 months away, and I feel I won't be able to get through C25K quick enough, especially since I haven't reintroduced running to my recently-repaired knee. I know it will take time, but I've said before I'm not the most patient person. The doctor said I could start running again in 4-6 weeks, and if I feel up to it, it sounds like it will happen soon. I plan to actually cross-train and start adding in weights again, as I did right before my surgery, while running. That should help regarding muscle development and getting me back in to running shape quicker. At least I hope...

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay positive. As many have said, "You'll have good days and bad, but just be patient." I've definitely had both, but so far more good that bad, which is highly positive! Patience isn't my strength, but I'm learning, though.

I want to wish Dacia over at Run. Ride. Repeat., all of the best of luck in her recovery as well, as she bounces back from (a much more invasive) surgery. She's been such an inspiration for me, as well as becoming someone I'm lucky to call a friend. I wish you all of the best, my dear! You'll be rockin' it again in no time flat, and I'm so proud of you in all that you've accomplished!

I also want to give a huge thank you to both my husband Brandon, and my momma Jill. They've been my sounding board through all of this, and have definitely heard me at my worst while lifting me up to be my best. Without them, I wouldn't be where I'm at in my journey, and definitely wouldn't have made it through surgery and this far into recovery without their support. I also want to thank Brandon for making me a hair appointment just two days after surgery so that I could have my hair washed and styled before we went to lunch (aka:when I first saw daylight again). Getting me out of the house, as cold and snowy as it was, was definitely the boost I needed to get me through those first few days. (And I felt like a new woman by just having my hair washed and styled.) It's the little things he does for me that makes me so thankful and grateful I have him.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! I hope it's fun and food-filled while spending lots of time with friends and family!

More updates to come soon... :)