The Bucket List

Ever have that one thing you want to do before you die? If you had one day left on Earth, how would you spend it? What would you do?

I've been reflecting a bit on my weight loss journey, and why I decide to start in the first place. If you read my very first blog post on December 23, 2011, you'll see that I've had a few people close to me pass away, and most of the time it had to due with heart-related/health issues. Some were young, some were old, but all were taken too soon.

Because of my health and where I was or wasn't going, I've done some reflecting along this journey. I've grown, and my thinking and knowledge of items such as nutrition labels, high fructose corn syrup, cardio workouts, etc., all related to my health, have grown leaps and bounds.

Just as a very close uncle, who passed away at the ever-young age of 46, I saw myself headed down a dark and lonely road, littered with health stumbling blocks and speed bumps. I had my nephew to live for, my partner in crime as I like to call him, and now a beautiful and vibrant niece, all who I want to see graduate from college, marry their sweetheart, and be productive members of society. I knew, though, that if I continued the way I did, eventually it would be that after I surpassed 200 pounds and eventually 250, it could have been 300, then who knows! I wouldn't be in the position I wanted to be.

Recently, I got on the topic of bucket lists with a friend; a list of things someone wants to do before they die. Lets face it, our days are numbered, and as I've witnessed in the past, you never know which one will be your last.

I have a running joke that I want to "check that of my list." Several items include (or have included) zip lining (check!), get debt free (in progress!), meet Brooks Laich (someday...), hit my healthy weight range (!), and have kids (someday, don't rush it). The list however, is ever-growing.

To even think at my age (I am young, just not THAT young) I'd have a bucket list, not something I'd normally consider, but again, life can be too short.

I believe that one day, the list may be completed, but to do that, life changes had to be made, on my part, regarding my health and the choices I made.

I can honestly say I've come a long way, and even have checked a few things off my "list."

To date, I've lost 79.4 pounds.

To go? 20!

The 100 pound mark is, after all, on the list...

A Mini-Milestone

I've been sick for the past few days, keep that in mind, but I can honestly say my appetite hasn't suffered. Unless it's the flu, it usually doesn't. Ever. (#omnomnomnom) ;)

I've been in a baking mood lately, thank you Fall, which normally proves dangerous. (Future Blog to come!) Between Pumpkin Bread, Pumpkin Muffins (The 2 point Weight Watcher recipe), Oreo Truffles, or Mini Peanut Butter Brownies, it's been a little rocky... I'm not ashamed when it comes to baked goods.

Normally Weigh In days aren't until Wednesday morning, but I try to monitor through the week whether I'm up or down, to see if I need to kick it up a notch or not. Cut to the chase, this morning I weighed in at 174.8, down from 175.4 last week!

Give me a sec to take it in.

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOO! Happy dance! :)

This is the first time in my weight loss journey I've been below 175!!! Sick or not, I'm so excited!

I firmly believe that mini goals are the way to go. It was the first thing I leaned during this big life change. Of course in the beginning, I knew what I had to lose. 105 lbs total to get to my healthy weight range. ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE.

My first thought? "There's no way. Absolutely none. You're nuts if you think I'll reach it."

I started out with the goal to lose 5%. I lost that in the first two weeks!

Next up? 10%, or 25 lbs. At that time I was ecstatic to lose 25, a I just didn't think I could ever do it. I would be thrilled to have 25 gone! That initial 25 lbs, turned into 35, 40, 50, and so on until I hit 75!

In order to seek results, you must have goals. If you don't obtain a goal, don't mope and pout. Ask yourself why it didn't work; give yourself feedback! That is some advice I can give that I only learned through this process, and it hasn't slowed or stopped! I've exceeded my "dream" of losing 50 pounds, and I've just adjusted. Now I want to hit that 100 lb century mark!

But I'll be honest: After getting back from vacation, my goals have lacked, and so has my weight loss. Before vacation, I had set off to lose 10 pounds, and it didn't happen. I was at 180, and wanted to be at 170 before I left, but I was able to shave off 5. Better than nothing, right? Since I've been home, I haven't had much goals in mind, and I've struggled. Currently I work full-time, have a part-time direct selling business, and oh yeah, I started school again in pursuit of my degree. It hasn't left me much time to think about my weight loss, but I am still counting calories, and definitely watching what I eat.

I've thrown the idea around of getting a gym membership, or possibly a trainer, as I'm nervous as heck around gym machines. I need help. I've never used them, always have taken classes, but it's a goal to be toned. I wish I could waive a magic wand and lose the jiggle, but wouldn't we all?! And let's be honest, just running, or just doing Zumba, or just walking isn't necessarily enough to stave off that jiggle. My behind needs a boost, and that goes along with my arms, tummy, thighs, and so on...

Bottom line: No matter where you are in your journey, set a goal. That goes for life too. You never know what you'll be able to achieve if you don't have a dream or goal in mind!

“I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”

-Jimmy Dean

Crash and Burn

I'll admit it. I actually lost weight on vacation. I'm shocked!

The only way I think it was remotely possible, with a lack of tracking, is all of the walking that occurred. To get downtown and back was about a 45 minute walk, if not more. And I thoroughly enjoyed it! I may be a country girl at heart, but there's something about a city I just can't pin down.

What happened after coming home and having a few days off before work, well, please refer to the title of this post.

It's been awful. While in Canada, I got back on the soda train, a horrible way to be. I hardly drank water, as it was just easier and cheaper to choose otherwise. While back at work, I've been chugging Diet Coke down, 32 ounces at a time. I know it's not healthy. I know the caffeine is causing me jitters and headaches again, while causing me to retain water, in turn packing the pounds back on. I know the Aspartame in the Diet Coke is NOT good, but like I've said before, if I don't avoid pop, it's all or nothing. Not the good all-or-nothing.

The thing I've learned about 2 years into my journey, is that you can't let a crash and burn week get you down. It only makes your weight loss journey derail, and potentially end up in a big ball of flames. Or a much bigger pair of pants. You're choice.

Bottom line: You have to pick yourself back up!

I may be imagining things, as my husband says I am, but I feel heavier, see pounds creeping their way back on as I look in the mirror. But again, I have to pick myself back up. That's how I fell off the wagon before.

So starting tomorrow:

1.) NO MORE POP! Diet or otherwise. I purchased extra bottles of water, as well as Crystal Light drop-in packets to help when water gets "boring."

2.) Count and track everything. THIS MEANS EVERYTHING! None of this, oh those fries won't hurt if I don't track them, crap. It's total BS. They do have calories, ya know.

3.) Move more. A friend once told me, "To lose weight, eat less, move more. It's that simple." Or as my Opa would say, "Seine so einfach." (It's that simple!)

No more crap. I'm turning into Drill Sgt. Ashley. This is my plan, and I have to do this. I've got 30-ish more pounds to lose! If I'm going to lose it, I can't BS around. I'm unhappy with the way things have been. It's been said that if you're unhappy, only you can change it. I'm hoping to do just that.

No excuses, no regrets!

Preparing for the Getaway

As I'm sitting here pondering my upcoming vacation over a grilled chicken (no mayo) sandwich and side salad, I am starting to panic. It may be trivial, or downright idiotic, but I'm freaking about my upcoming vacation.

It should be a relaxing time, right?! I mean, it's vacation! How could I be stressing, you ask?

A while ago, my husband and I decided to take a trip. Being the hockey fan I am, I/we (mainly I) chose to take a summer road trip to Toronto, while stopping in Niagara Falls on our way home for a night.

As a born and raised US citizen, that poses a slight problem: US cell phone service + Canada = Insane International Roaming Charges.

Insane Roaming Charges = No Data, just limited phone calls/text messages

No Data = No Food Tracking on My Fitness Pal

See my issue?

I'm not the greatest eater when I don't track. It's on. That's really all I can say. I eat everything in sight, thinking one day won't hurt. One day turns into a "week off," and on and on, until in no time I've gained 10 pounds. That's what happened the last time I took a "break."

I know it may sound slightly crazy, and yes, I probably am worrying more than I should've, but it's a concern, as I've been off the wagon before. I know how hard it was to get back on.

Tracking is a fabulous habit to have. It's been proven keeping some sort of food journal holds you accountable. It's helped me lose what I have. I can't do it without tracking anymore, therefore this will be tough. Tracking is second nature to me.

Say a prayer. It is vacation, and I know this is a life-long journey. A week won't kill me right? I just have to accept the "feedback" and move on.

I'll report back in a few days!

Thinking Heavier

First of all, I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but I believe I can finally say (by hopefully not jinxing myself) that the plateau has broken! I’m back to the 75 lbs down total with 5 pounds more to go before my vacation goal at the end of the month! I’ve also had several ladies at work notice I’ve lost more weight, too. :)

As I’ve stated before in previous blogs, with weight loss, everything shrinks. Well…almost everything.

My hips, waist, thighs, etc, are all instances where I’ve lost weight, but I’ve also lost in more peculiar places. (Example: ankles, calves, neck, ring finger, and so on.) Unfortunately, the only thing that hasn’t shrunk is my thinking.

It’s hard to explain, but when I am out shopping, browsing aisles of clothing, or thinking of an activity to do with your friends, I still think with “limitations.” I still think I’m 75 lbs heavier, and in no way would I think that I could squeeze into that dress or go kayaking, for instance. I can move more, as well as move easier. Whether I’m running up more flights of stairs without getting winded, or running around the backyard with my niece and nephew, I can keep up. I can certainly hold my own now. But it’s more than that.

I get frustrated sometimes, as I still haven’t hit that “comfort zone” while branching out and trying new things. It may just be my natural shyness, but it’s a little rough when I want to push myself. This doesn’t just come to clothes or feeling better about myself in a dressing room mirror, or when out with friends; I’ve always dreamed of ziplining or doing other things that I couldn’t do 75 lbs ago. But it’s disheartening when the first place my mind ventures to is: ‘There’s no way you could do that. Not at your weight or size.”

I automatically think 75 lbs heavier. I reach for the XL, when I just need a Medium. I discount myself when I have the opportunity to zipline. I’m still worried about walking around all day in our “vacation” city, when my knees and feet can handle it just fine now with no problems.

It’s all about mentality, but I’m afraid my mind hasn’t caught up with my body yet. I’m not complaining, as I’ve put in the hard work, diet, exercise, and everything else in between to get me where I am. I’ve made the sacrifices, but I’m still working on the motivation to keep it going. I feel better, but I also trip and stumble.

I don’t think it helps much that I don’t see the change. I obviously see myself every day in the mirror, but I still don’t really notice I’m smaller, unless I hold up a side by side picture of myself. I see the numbers on the back of my pants, sizes on my shirts, or numbers on the scale get smaller, but I still just don’t “see it.”

What I do see, though, is that I’ve already done what I formerly thought was impossible.

Clearly, I need to change my thinking… :)

And then there's days like this...

I absolutely hate cravings, though I've joked before, I crave worse than a pregnant lady. We have an ice team 'shop' in the student lounge at work. It's a huge diet distraction.

Not All Goals Are Created Equal

Weigh in was this morning, and I'll be honest, I'm a little surprised, mostly as a Cake Batter Flurry was involved, but I am down 2.6 lbs from last week! I am so excited! So far that's roughly 74 lbs lost total, but I'm not done yet. My first goal I ever set in this journey was to hit the 100 lb mark, but it was a TALL order. I thought that'd be reaching the impossible, but I'm closer than I'd ever imagined.

I've always been a believer in setting goals. If you hit it, celebrate! It's an achievement, and you did something you should be proud of! If you don't meet a goal, find out why, what didn't work, and how you can learn from it. Regardless of how big or how small, possible or impossible, set one! Goals don't always have to be big. I NEVER, EVER thought I would hit the 50 lb mark, let alone be possibly hitting the 100 lb mark.

I started small. My first goal ever set was 5%. To lose 5% of my starting body weight, which equaled about 12.5 lbs. From there, it was 10%, or 25 lbs. At 25, I was feeling better, could move more. Hell, I could bend over and tie my shoe without too much trouble! (I cried i was so happy. Seriously.)

Imagine carrying 2 ten pound bags of potatoes, plus 1 five pound bag around the grocery store. How long could you take it before putting them down? Now imagine that 25 being attached to your body. For me, losing 3 sacks of potatoes was huge!

Once the first 25 was off, I focused mainly on 5-10 pound increments, not the oh-my-gosh-I-have-100-pounds-to-lose thought. I'm the person who gets lost (or more appropriately freaked out) over big pictures. First week of each new semester in college, I would lose it over seeing 5 class syllabi and what I'd have to do in 16 weeks. I had a few coming to Jesus moments each first week. Once I settled in and took it one day at a time, I was good. Same with my weight loss journey. I still get caught up in the thought that I'll never hit the 100 lb mark, but I've come this far. Besides, it's for life, not a quick fix!

This journey hasn't been easy, and no, I haven't dropped the weight as fast as I had hoped, but the bumps in the road have helped me grow as person. In looking at the big picture, I've still lost 75 lbs, that being plenty more than my initial goal.

To say I've met my goal would be an understatement. I've met them, but as my goals are met, achieved, and celebrated, more are set. I want to keep going.

Again, this is NOT a quick fix, this is for life. My life, and my will to live a little longer than 75 lbs ago.

As Promised...

I went shopping! Ok, so that's not really a big deal because I didn't come home with anything, but I ALWAYS fear the dressing room no matter how much I've lost. It always seems I tend to try clothes on when I feel the fattest, or else the dressing room mirror makes me fatter magically!

As I said, I didn't bring home these two dresses as the last time I wore a skirt or dress was my wedding day almost 3 years ago. I'm more of a hockey tee, jeans, and flip flops kind of girl. I'm just not comfortable in them without a good pair of Spanx. That's the main reason I don't wear them more often, but I'll get there one day! :)

So without further adieu...

Dressing Thinner

I went to get my haircut a few nights ago, and through my total weight loss journey (and gains), my hairdresser has witnessed everything. The good, the bad, and the horribly ugly of it all.

I’ll give you a little background to the relationship. Where I’m from is a small, rural, Indiana town surrounded by a sea of corn. Population 1,000 on a good day. (I promise there is more than corn in Indiana. Local tourism joke.) Anywho, I go back home to get my haircut, as I just don’t trust many others with my hair. (I also sneak in a visit with my Mom, too!) Farmland is only about a half an hour drive away from where I live, so I usually just tend to make appointments, and after, visit my mom.

I’m a home-natured kind of girl. I used to have a dream of being a teacher. As soon as I could get out of college, I wanted to move to downtown Nashville, Tennessee, live in an apartment right next to the river, and teach in an intercity school. Not Farmland, Indiana, to say the least. Looking back, I don’t think it would have worked for long, as I get homesick rather easily. Even now I find myself longing to get back to Farmland, just to walk around the neighborhood where I grew up, or downtown to the general store for nickel candy, and I only live across the county! Anyway, where I grew up, everybody knows everybody. It can be a double edged sword at times, but I wouldn’t want anything less.

I’ve known Judy, my hairdresser for a long time. I went to my Senior Prom with her son, as well as my twin brother and I graduating with him. She’s seen my brother’s family grow from the very beginning, and to this day, my nephew only trusts Judy to cut his hair. (Sound familiar?) She did both my sister-in-law’s hair and mine for our wedding days. In typical beauty shop fashion, she knows what goes on in our lives. I tend to spill more than I should, but that’s beside the point.

She has seen my complete transformation through my weight loss journey. Again, as I said in the beginning, I went from my high school weight, to my “love chub,” to my shrinking frame, all in about 9 years. Yeah, I was happy when I was bigger, until life smacked me in the face with realization of being morbidly obese. (Side note: that phrase still rattles me every time I hear it.)

I guess this brings me to my point. During my hair cut, Judy and I were talking about fashion, the comfortable and uncomfortable, and the troubles we had finding things we liked that fit AND flatter us. I mentioned during the conversation, I always wanted to be that professional office worker in the latest blouse, pencil skirt, belt, heels, dressed stylishly professional. I love the pencil skirt look, but being the motorsports-obsessed hockey fan tomboy, the last time I wore a dress, much less a skirt, was my wedding day almost three years ago! I have a super-cute skirt I purchased a while back, but haven’t been able to bring myself to put it on as I’m more of a t-shirt and baggy pants kind of girl. It also doesn’t help that due to my weight loss, I have the “pouch,” or “apron” as some call it. I absolutely despise it, and I know it’s going to be the LAST thing that comes off! (Of course, right?) It prevents me from looking good in a pencil skirt, and also prevents me from tucking my shirt in when I probably should for a more professional look. Judy’s reply, after discussing our “pouches?” “You need to stop dressing 70 pounds heavier! Go shopping for goodness sake! You can look stylish, still be comfortable, and dress for your new size.”

Now, let me say that, no, I am no longer wearing my size 19 work pants with a belt, hoping that I can pull it off with a shirt that covers the waistline, while I don’t show God and everybody my underoos. I’m now in a 14, with no belt holding my britches up. (Ask some of my former coworkers. It was almost at the point of intervention because I didn’t want to buy new pants.)

So this brings me to a newer, more personal goal: I want to dress “70 pounds lighter.” I want to be that girl that everyone in the office looks to for style advice or the latest fashion (within reason, of course). I may be a tomboy, but I do still like to be girly (sometimes). Afterall, I can only make my hockey tee look business casual for so long and get away with it!

(At some point, due to confidence and self-esteem, I MAY try to gather some courage to post pictures of the new looks. No promises.)

The Mini

My mom thinks I’m half nuts. (That’s debatable, but we won’t go there…)

The Mini, as it’s known to us locals (hehe), is a half marathon/enormous event that takes place in downtown Indy each year. It draws thousands upon thousands to run it or walk it. The route takes you from downtown Indianapolis, out to Indianapolis Motor Speedway, around the track, and back, while taking in several of the best sites the city has to offer.

The Mini has been something that has always been on my bucket list. I think it’s the coolest thing since sliced bread, as being an avid race fan and Hoosier, it’s seen as something that kicks off the best month in all of Indiana (and maybe the world, in my opinion), May.

I’ve always wanted to run the Mini, but never been in any shape to. I’m not saying I’ll run it, as I’m just not a runner, but the call was put out on Facebook by a friend of mine, another avid female motorsports fan, that she wanted someone to do it with her. She has walked it before, with no preparation and quite a bit of soreness, but wants to do it again with training. We’ve both agreed to walk it next May (2013), as it’s my first time. I’ll be honest, I’m scared as hell.

I’ve never prepared for something like this. I know it’s just walking, but its 13.1 miles worth of it! I have walked 5k’s before, and can walk 2 miles at least a night without fatigue. I have a long ways to go, but I think it's the closest shape I've been in for something like this. (That's not saying much, though.)

It’s a goal I have my eyes on. I just pray this doesn’t turn out like my New Year’s resolution, as I’m still 2-3 sizes away from single digit pants with 7 months to go. It’s something I have to put my mind to, but as my mother always reminds me, if I get an idea in my head I can do something, I won’t stop until it’s done.

“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination, and hard work.” – Colin Powell

Emotionally Trainwrecked

Ah, emotions. As humans, they drive us. With me this is no different, especially when it comes to eating.

According to the Mayo Clinic: “Emotional eating is eating as a way to suppress or soothe negative emotions, such as stress, anger, fear, boredom, sadness and loneliness. Both major life events and the hassles of daily life can trigger negative emotions that lead to emotional eating and disrupt your weight-loss efforts.”

Yep, that sounds about right.

My mother always tells me without fail, how much I wear my heart on my sleeve, whether I think I’m hiding my emotions or not. If I’m having a bad day, she can tell. It’s supposedly written all over my face. I might as well wear it on my plate too.

I’ve always been one to take out my emotions with food. It’s the only way I know/knew how to cope. Emotional eating, and bored eating too, is something that helped catapult me to 250 lbs in no time flat. When I’m overwhelmed or stressed, I get into that “I don’t care” mood. I’m like a train that’s jumped the track heading for a platform full of people.

That brings me to yesterday. After a few weeks of no pop, I caved. Twice. With Nutter Butters attached.

I tried to “stop the bleeding” as a friend put it, but I didn’t care. Two nights ago I came home in a foul mood from work. Again, I didn’t care. Went to grab Mexican food that night with my husband and completely jeopardized a whole week of hard work and almost 3 lbs. of weight loss. I came up short and only lost a pound and half. I knew, and I told myself before we left, don’t do it. Don’t go, just eat at home; it would have been cheaper anyway. I knew it was going to be bad. But in my stubborn, half-minded haze, I asked, “who cares?”

So this brings me to some tips. This is probably more for me than it is to you, the reader, but emotional eating is something I desperately need help on, and want to be able to curb the crash during those, “I don’t care” moments.

Below are some helpful tips included in the article, “Emotional Eating: Feeding Your Feelings,” by Heather Hatfield, posted on WebMD.com:

· Recognize emotional eating and learn what triggers this behavior in you.
· Make a list of things to do when you get the urge to eat and you're not hungry, and carry it with you, according to the Tufts Nutrition web site. When you feel overwhelmed, you can put off that desire by doing another enjoyable activity.
· Try taking a walk, calling a friend, playing cards, cleaning your room, doing laundry, or something productive to take your mind off the craving -- even taking a nap, according to the Tufts Nutrition web site.
· When you do get the urge to eat when you're not hungry, find a comfort food that's healthy instead of junk food. "Comfort foods don't need to be unhealthy," says Wansink.
· For some, leaving comfort foods behind when they're dieting can be emotionally difficult. Wansink tells WebMD, "The key is moderation, not elimination." He suggests dividing comfort foods into smaller portions. For instance, if you have a large bag of chips, divide it into smaller containers or baggies and the temptation to eat more than one serving can be avoided.
· When it comes to comfort foods that aren't always healthy, like fattening desserts, Wansink also offers this piece of information: "Your memory of a food peaks after about four bites, so if you only have those bites, a week later you'll recall it as just a good experience than if you polished off the whole thing." So have a few bites of cheesecake, then call it quits, and you'll get equal the pleasure with lower cost.
· Lastly, remember that emotional eating is something that most people do when they're bored, happy, or sad. It might be a bag of chips or a steak, but whatever the food choice, learning how to control it and using moderation are key.

In the same article, Jane Jakubczak a Registered Dietician at the University of Maryland, is quoted stating that “75% of overeating is caused by emotions, so dealing with emotions appropriately is important.” Obviously my emotional eating is a work in progress. A major work in progress. I never really understood the point of tracking your hunger during the day, along with the food you eat, but it makes sense. Hopefully these tips can assist you as much as I hope. We aren’t perfect, and I certainly know this is one area I want to focus on.

“Concentrate all of your thoughts upon the work at hand. The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus.” –Alexander Graham Bell

The Shrinking Woman

When I started in April of 2010, I would have never of dreamed I would get this far, not by a long shot. My first goal was to just get 50 lbs off of me, to get back to 200. It seemed so daunting. I’d been there, never thought I’d get over it, but wanted to get back to it. It’s the weight I held when I met my now-husband.

But I can proudly say, I’ve blown past 50! I’m up to 70 now, with 30 to go. I want to hit that 100 lb mark so bad, but have lost my way in some aspects, and am running after the wagon. (See previous posts.) I do have to admit though; I’ve been cracking down, disciplining myself. I’ve started to move more, like I used to, and that seems to help. Official weigh in is on Wednesday mornings, but I like what I’ve seen both yesterday and this morning from this past week’s achievements.

But this post isn’t about the numbers, it’s about inches, and then some. A family member/personal fitness guru/Zumba Queen (I still miss your classes, Lisa!), once told me, “Even if the numbers aren’t there, check your inches. You may not lose numbers that week, but you will see inches come off.” Boy is that true!

I know that with weight loss, you shrink. Duh! But where you lose inches can be some of the weirdest places, and I’m seriously not kidding. For instance, I’ve always had fat fingers. I think my class ring from senior year is a 9 1/2. When I got married, my ring was sized at 9 3/4. Recently, I had to get my ring re-sized to an 8. AN 8!!! (Never in my right mind did I think my fingers would ever be an 8!) And I will be honest; I think I’m going to have to get it re-sized again, soon. I didn’t want to get it resized half way through, to wait until I’ve shed what I wanted to, but I couldn’t take it any longer.

I’ve also found my ankles and wrists have shrunk. I used to not be able to wear ankle bracelets, or had to make sure to find the type that had extenders attached. I ended up donating a pair of cowboy boots I could perhaps wear now, as they wouldn’t zip up around my ankles of calves. (I’m regretting that decision, as I loved those boots and never in my life thought I’d be back to the point I could wear them again. Hindsight is always 20/20.)

This brings me to the too-much-information portion of this post. Just a little warning, as I’m not sure I can put this really any more delicately. When I say everything shrinks, EVERYTHING shrinks. I’m at the point I’m going to have to replace my skivvies… again, and I’m okay with it! (My drawers are saggin’ and I’m always up for shopping!) ;)

Regardless of whether it’s TMI (Too Much Information) or not, it’s an amazing feeling to find clothes that fit again. If you recall my very first blog post, part of my turning point was not able to find anything cute to wear to work, and it really ate away at my confidence and self-esteem. I left in tears that night, and it was time I did something.

I’m nowhere near where I want to maintain, but at this point, I can’t complain. I’m healthier than I have been in at least 6 years (and even at a lighter weight before, my diet was downright awful). It’s been a huge life change that I’m sure I haven’t realized the full impact of just yet.

This whole journey has opened up so many figurative doors (and windows to climb out of, if needed); it’s building my self-esteem and confidence back up from a somewhat depleted state, it’s helped me run and play with my niece and nephew with no problems of keeping up, but most importantly, it’s helping me find me. In all of the gains, the slip ups, the “feedback,” there are also losses, non-scale victories, and triumph. It’s a really rewarding experience. I just have to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize.

Working For the Weekend

Ok, well slacking for the weekend. (Everyone sing a long!) ;)

Weekends are the pits for me. I recently changed my weigh in day to Wednesday because Monday's just never seemed to work out too well. That was probably a bad idea on my part, but I feel that Monday's weren't a great "fit" for me (no pun intended, or maybe?).

Today was no different. I work at a local community college, and every year they have a car show that is usually pretty successful, raising money for automotive program scholarships. (This year however, let's just say I'm still soaked to the bone and cold. It'll be a miracle if I'm not side-lined by Tuesday with pneumonia.)

I love concession stands. From fair food, a racetrack, or car show; from nachos to pretzels, cheeseburgers to candy bars, I'm all for it. It's not just all for my hips, belly, or thighs.

Today was no different. My morning started out with a team meeting of volunteers and the show committee across the street from campus at McDonald's. I grabbed an unsweet tea and sausage biscuit (430 calories total), and thought, I can do this. I CAN do this! Then the hot chocolate came and since I used half of my calories for the day, it was all downhill from there. After that, it's award-winning pulled pork, potato salad, cookie, popcorn, more popcorn, and dinner at a fast food restaurant. Yeah, I did it. I BLEW IT!

Part of my problem is if I see that I've used the majority of my calories or points for the day, I just say screw it. I'll start over tomorrow, but that's not a "healthy" way to think. It's downright awful and irresponsible of me. I allow it to happen way too often.

I know many say that we only have one life to live so why not have that cookie or slice of pie? I'm not gonna lie, I LOVE this rule! My great aunt, (my ornery grandfather's sister; you get the picture, orneriness is hereditary), always believes that every meal ends with a dessert. Let's just say she's my favorite aunt, and this is part of the equation... :)

But being the realistic one, everything is ok.... IN MODERATION!!! That's what I've learned, but with me, moderation is not fully in my vocabulary yet. That's where a lot of my issues lie with my Weight Loss Journey that I need to better focus on. But I firmly believe learning and education is a life long process, one that with both my weight loss and a more active life style, I can live out for a while. :)

“If you're respectful by habit,
constantly honoring the worthy,
four things increase:
long life, beauty,
happiness, strength.”

-Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta

Looking Back

I'm having one of those "fat moments" this very minute. A vulnerable moment when no matter what you do or don't eat, you feel like a swollen whale. It's an esteem killer.

I'll be honest: I feel so disgusted with myself, what I look like, and all I've wanted to do was get back on track. I feel like I've failed.

This week's diet hasn't been on track. Far from it, really. I've been under quite a bit of stress this week: it's been incredibly busy and hectic, and with that, I eat; I eat a lot. Last night I rode 8 miles, but only after consuming a Rallyburger and fries because I was so stressed. They rang my order up without fries last night, and I recall specifically saying please give me fries, I need it. I rode last night because I felt I needed beating myself up and sort of punish myself for what I ate. I felt so guilty and I still do today. It's a huge  moment of weakness.

So with that, I'm going to leave a gem of hope. A picture of my before, and middle of my weight loss journey. The mere weeks before I plateaued. Maybe it will help me find the motivation to buckle down again.

After all, I'm letting myself down. I'm failing at my goals.

Giving Up

Ok, not in that sense (don’t freak!), but I’m giving up on a love that’s spanned years.

Pop has always been such a crutch that I crave constantly, but I’m done letting it rule me. At least for now. :(

Pop was the first thing I gave up when I first started the plan long, long ago. I had such great success with it, was able to regain focus and start the day, sans caffeine. It was a great feeling!

But let me give you a little insight: Pop has been the one thing I’ve stuck with for most of my adult life.. It’s something that once I pick it back up, I fall right into the bad habit and can’t stop. I love Diet Coke, and I know deep in my heart giving it up isn’t going to be easy.

Today I’ve already gone through 10 cups of water (about 5 bottles). I’ve been drinking it like a fish. When I first gave up pop, I used to flavor my water with fresh fruit (lemon or frozen berries), or the Crystal Light or Kool-Aid packets, etc. It gave me a bit of a change up from just plain, old water, which can get a bit boring, and if you let it, can make you stray.

But as some friends recently pointed out, pop isn’t good for you, even if it’s the calorie-free diet variety. It contains High Fructose Corn Syrup (the jury’s still out on that), Aspartame (again, research still being done), as well as sodium, which we all know too much of can lead to a variety of heart related issues, just to touch on the surface.

If you think about it: depending on who you ask, the human body contains anywhere from 65-90% water. Clearly it’s obvious you want to replace what you use with water, not sugar filled soda.

Not only is in an unhealthy habit for me, it’s something that will help me out in the long run. My husband used to get his day started with 4 Mountain Dews. It seemed we bought it by the pallet each week. I was never much of a fan of Mountain Dew, but since it was in the house, I drank it. One year though, he challenged himself by giving up pop for Lent. (We’re not Catholic, but it gave him some sort of timeline/span for him to be good.) He did it, and then some! I can’t begin to explain to you how dependent he was on his Mountain Dew, but I am so proud of him! He still opts for water, bottled or tap, or mostly tea (which half the time it’s sweet, not a great idea…). It’s helped him out so much!

But I want to be like him. I want to give it up, even though I’m a little late for Lent. (Easter, after all, is next weekend.) But I want to be healthy. For. Life. Giving up something to better my health, and myself, shouldn’t just be limited to a certain time of year.

So here’s to a new journey, I hope, pop-free!

(I can already see the McDonald’s Large Diet Coke running after me in the drive way.) :’(

The Gain

There is nothing more disheartening, nothing more of a blow to your motivation and self-esteem than a weight gain, and I am experiencing that right now. This isn't my first rodeo, but it still sucks.

I weighed in last week at 180.6. This week? 183.4. I thought I was on the right track by losing (finally) and was hoping to hit the 170's again soon. No go, apparently; my body thought differently.

I can sit here and fill this blog with excuses, (I know the possible reason) but I can't let that damage me and knock me even further off track. I cheated. I cheat a lot. (Confession time.)

It stinks because I'm going the opposite way than I want to be. I hit 175 at my lowest weight, and I've wanted to get back there and maintain it ever since I gained to about 185+. The whole goal is to get to 150, if I can. I'm losing hope, not weight.

I know each week I may maintain or even gain, and that I can't be perfect. Even those who have shed more than me will tell you you can't always be perfect. And to help curb cravings, you have to have an iron clad will to want to beat them.

Food temptations are everywhere. The birthday cake at a friend's party, the office cookies or cupcakes that always seem to be sat down right behind you, the ice cream shop down the street, vending machines, or the simple "going out" meal. All are temptations to blow it. But if you have the right tools and research, as well as determination, and are able to "just say no," you're well on your way!

But you also have to pick yourself back up when it's not the best of times. That's where I come back in. I have a huge problem with just saying no. I think, "one won't hurt." (Ever hear that from friends too? Yeah, me too.) But one can add up if you do not track it or count it, and I cheat, a lot. It's where the majority of my problems gaining come in. But for both you and I, you have to make sure you have a positive mind about this!

A Weight Watcher Leader once told me, "This is not where you fail or jump off. It's feedback from your body. You have not failed."

Just because one week isn't the greatest or "perfect," you have to recover. My Oma asked me when I first started the plan, "You do realize this is for life, not just temporary?"

So if you're like me, this isn't  temporary. This is for life, and if you need a little motivation, think of it this way: You didn't gain overnight, so it won't come off overnight. It's ok if you stumble a week or two. It isn't the greatest, but you must pick yourself back up!

Stay positive, it's feedback. For. Life. :)

Back To Basics

Ugh. The basics.

A Twitter friend of mine always tells me if something isn’t working in hockey, go “back to the basics.” I’ve somewhat adapted/implemented that with my weight loss program.

I knew my former program wasn’t working anymore, so with the help and recommendations of friends, I did just that. I knew that on the old plan that I started with, calories were counted along with fat and fiber. I could guess just by looking at a nutrition label about how many daily points it’d be, within 1 or 2. After the plan was changed/morphed, the 70+ lb loss came to a screeching halt. After taking “time off,” gaining, getting frustrated, losing some to gain more and so on, I decided to go back to the basics.

I knew the “new” plan wasn’t working, at least for me. I recognized that fact. I’ve had many friends it’s helped tremendously with great success, but it just didn’t work for me any longer.. The “new” plan took calories out of the equation, and mixed carbs and protein in. Let’s be honest, I’m a Carb Queen. I can’t NOT live without breads, pastas, etc. It’s just not me. I was always told that you can have what you want, as long as it is in moderation! (There’s that ‘M’ word again. Dun, dun, dunnnnnn…..)

So back to the basics I went. I have since started a new plan as described before, which primarily counts calories, and only calories, and so far I’ve had good luck. I say so far, as I’m still battling with motivation. I still have the weeks where I just feel like eating everything in sight and then some. But the weather has helped tremendously, I’ll definitely admit it! It’s been an unusually warm winter, and an early Summer (not Spring!), so with that I’ve been getting out and riding my bike and running again. I started this past Saturday with 8 miles, 4 with a tailwind, 4 with a fight home. Last night I made it 10, but I hope to keep improving as I go, as well as build muscle (shorty short weather in around the corner, afterall!). I can’t think my Twitter friend enough, as he has helped me more than he probably knows by applying the “Back to Basics” thinking to many aspects of my life, including my weight loss journey, and it seems to be working.

Thanks, friend! :)

The Buffet (dun, dun, dunnnn...)

Ugh. The buffet.

That’s all I have to say and I can hear the blood-curdling scream from a horror movie in the back of my mind.

I am currently mapping out what I’m going to eat at a Chinese Buffet across town on a Post-It. I’m meeting some family in from Indianapolis to grab a bite to eat, but I’m going to be honest: Buffets scare the daylights out of me.

As I’ve said before, I have a horrible “portion distortion” problem, and tend to eat until I want to vomit. I’m so full; it’s sickening, gross, and uncomfortable.

But here’s the catch: I’m trying to be responsible and be honest with myself. It’s where and WHY I’ve got off track with my weight loss. I tend to cheat the system and think I’m getting away with it. I think if I don’t track it or write it down, no one knows, not even myself and that it’s calorie free. (I can smell the bull brewing.)

So here’s a word of advice, and this takes a TON of discipline (none of which I have):

Map out what you are going to eat ahead of time… AND STICK WITH IT!

I tend to do this if I know I’m going out to eat. I hate doing it. I feel like a fool for doing research about what I’m going to eat, but if you want to get serious, and be honest with yourself, it will help ease you knowing you have a plan. It won’t be easy for me, as I love Chinese food and I tend to turn into a zombie at the sight of any yummy food. That zombie-feeling is what makes me nervous. I know I didn’t get to 250 lbs overnight, but I also know that I don’t want to go back. I want to be healthy, and that takes dedication and discipline.

So no cheating, no regrets or… Know cheating, know regrets.

Wish me luck! I’m going to need it.

Zero Is Not a Size

I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA as of late, but this blog post will take a lot out of me. It delves into some long-time emotions I’ve had since childhood that I only share with those I truly trust. Only those closest to me and around me really know what I’ve been through, but maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to discuss it openly. But that’s not what this blog post is about. This post is about some comments recently made by Chanel’s head designer and creative director, Karl Lagerfeld.

Allow me to climb up onto my soapbox:

Let me first preface this by saying I’ve been a long-time fan of fashion. I’ve been through the label-hog stage of life, and I truly love Chanel, Coach, and fashion in general. What girl doesn’t? But it disturbs me tremendously after reading comments made by Mr. Lagerfeld this morning in a story posted on MSN. In case you missed it, here’s his quote regarding singer Adele:

"The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.”

I am truly disappointed with Karl Lagerfeld, as this isn’t the first time he’s given such a horrible back-handed “compliment” to a famous female. I absolutely love Adele. She is gorgeous, fashionable, and extremely talented. She, in no way, deserves a comment like this, though I understand everyone has a critic. I also understand the fashion industry is rife with stick-thin models with ribs bones poking out all over their bodies, but is this the message you want to send to your children? (Critique much, Ashley?)

Girls everywhere go through enough pressures in high school: to be academically superior, to get into a great university, to worry if they made Varsity whatever, who they’re seen with at the prom, what clique they belong to, the newest fashion and brands of the moment, etc. I had tough times in high school, and it was extremely painful. I have a tremendous amount of emotional scars because of it, but it’s made me stronger.

But, in my personal opinion, and I’m sure other women and girls, there is nothing worse than being referred to as “fat.”

Adele is a gorgeous girl, and I will say it again: an amazingly talented singer. Absolutely by far, one of the best my generation has seen or heard. So why in the world would Mr. Lagerfeld target her and call her “fat,” I’ll never understand it. She has more talent in her left pinky than he will have in a lifetime. Yes, he’s paved the way in the fashion world, and set a tremendous amount of trends, but I have yet to see him use a size 8 model in any of his runway shows. Hell, Marilyn Monroe was a size 16! She is one of the most iconic figures worldwide, and was gorgeous as ever and yet Mr. Lagerfeld chooses the girl who most likely battles some type of eating disorder that puts her body through hell, just so she can star in his next show, not set an example for women and girls who need a role model or someone to look up to.

I’ve been through these pressures that teenage girls face everywhere. I will never forget the time when my father took me to a grocery store while visiting another blonde-haired, well “endowed,” skinny girlfriend of his in Ohio and stating to me, “I’d like to show you around the grocery aisles. You really need to start eating a little better.” I was 15. At 15, I read between the lines. I felt like he didn’t want to be spotted with his “fat” daughter.

I understand healthy eating now, and what I should have been doing diet-wise, but I was NOT by any means overweight or fat, and at 15 that’s the way it was implied. I was involved with Color Guard and Winter Guard year round for 6 solid years. My season never really ended, we just took breaks. I admit I wasn’t the most athletically inclined, and I’m still not, but practicing 3 times a week with contests and shows year round for that amount of time, I was able to maintain my weight just fine. I’m sure I could have melted the pudge away if I did eat healthier, but I was just fine with the way I was. I was mostly happy. I wasn’t the skinniest girl in high school, and I am not now, nor will I ever be, but to a 15 year old girl, what message does that send?

Body image is everything these days. I’ll admit I still deal with it horribly, more than someone somewhat unfamiliar to me would ever know. But when I began this weight loss journey, the first commitment I made to myself was to be “healthy,” not “skinny.” What spurred, or at least helped give me the motivation, were days I’d leave several department stores in tears because I couldn’t find something cute, stylish, or comfortable to wear. It was always the elastic pants in the (pardon me for lack of better terms) Old Lady section of the store, never the cute, brand-name destructed jeans or the cute, flirty top I saw in magazines and on posters or advertisements. Things my Oma would wear, not me.

I’ll never forget One Tree Hill’s episode in which Brooke Davis hosted a fashion show for a new line with her “Clothes over Bros” company (and I can’t believe I’m using this in my blog. Serious research, huh?) Millie, her assistant, modeled a gorgeous, fashionable shirt that said “Zero is not a size” to close out the show. I firmly believe this, and I hope Mr. Lagerfeld one day realizes this, though I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ve heard of these types of comments from him or others in the fashion world for that matter. It’s very unfortunate and close-minded. But I firmly believe there needs to be more education and information out in the world regarding eating disorders, confidence, and self-esteem issues that young girls face every day, and it needs to be more prevalent in their lives.

I’ve been there, and I certainly know the feelings all too well. Someone needs to be an advocate. Someone needs to step up.

Because I firmly believe, “Zero is not a size.”

Happy New Year!

I did it! 31 insanely-craving days of NO CHOCOLATE!

So instead of raising a glass, I'm raising a Kit-Kat! :)

Happy New Year!